annoyed

what did i ever do to anyone at all to make things so freaking miserable for me...its been decided im moving and this time i just dont really care..im to upset to cry this time and its more of just being like ok fine..where exactly do they think i have money hidden at so that i have to fix there stupid mistake and then pay more for it..i dont like it and i just dont like that they can screw up and im the one who has to pay to fix it..so ill let my lease run out but im looking for another apartment starting now..well starting the other day since i asked around the office for apartment book things since i was going to be moving..so now i have to borrow a lot of money from mommy that ill have to pay back in a few days..im off of work for now and i dont think ill be making it back before lunch..the way things are going now i dont think ill make it back after lunch either..im waiting for a phone call from mommy and then ill be able to figure out what i have to do..

i found out yesterday that the kid causing a lot of problems in our group is going to be going home today...right up until i found out he was actually going home i wanted him to leave..but as soon as i found out it had been done i felt really guilty for asking them to look into it..but then i think of all the things he has thrown at me and how he stomped on a 4yr old and i dont feel so guilty anymore..if he had gone of the rafting trip we are taking tomorrow and then done something to really hurt someone while we were in the middle of a river it would have been bad and that company wouldnt want us to come back...so for the best he is going home...
the session is almost over..camp is almost over..its been a really long and draining summer..nia was right the second year is harder than the first..a lot harder ..i was thinking last night about what i would say as my reasons for leaving if i had to get a new job..it was interesting because its like well i had kids who threw stuff at me, hit me, completely curse me out and tell me im mean and evil and hated them..etc etc and then i had kids who i saw again and got to work with saw how much they had grown up and matured and remembered what we had worked on last summer...its weird how the small stu ff can suddenly become the big stuff..but oh well..the semester programs are running into trouble because no one wants to work for the program manager..and they were stupid and fired jim and now theres no one to work..all the perspective ppl are saying no..not many of the summer ppl are planning on sticking around for various reasons..and its like ok theres a problem somewhere and linda needs to figure out what it is..im staying only because i said i would and after i talk to jon and things dont change ill let linda know im leaving too...but it will really suck if things dont change because i liked the semesters i just dont like being treated like i have no idea what im doing and picking up the slack of the manager and being blamed for everything that goes wrong..that isnt cool and im not doing it again for another 4 months...its not like i have to stay..i want to stay but i dont have to..i want to stay in aspen and i was talking to jim about the new life school and whether i would want to work there..i dont want to go to the boys school though..maybe ill even try my luck at one of the other programs and move out of state..i dont know..if at all possible i want to stay in aspen though..but i think ill start looking into some of theiir other programs and see which ones i like...but now i have to go

i just want to scream

hmm before i get started on my rant for the past couple days..i would like to mark down in history that today i was complimented by linda on my being calm in stressful situations..that aside i just dont even know where to begin ..i know ive learned all the restraints but its always with the assumption that i would just know it and never really have to use it..ive helped in restraints but never done a complete one on my own..but thats all changed now lucky me...im with the boys again and its the youngest group of boys they are so small and so cute..they are 8 and 9 and for most of them this is the first time they have been away from home..but overall they are just cute kids..but as in every group there is one kid who just makes things a lot harder than they need to be..the first day he freaks and starts breaking stuff..he threw rocks at us ..he destroyed my harry potter book..the one i just bought and he ripped pages out of it...im still upset about that and im not sure it will be going away any time soon..he had to give me the money to replace it but that book was all i wanted and had just bought when he decided to get back at me from telling him to stop something and messed it up..so anyway got through that...next day he freaks about something else and throws a waterbottle and hits another kid in the head..overturns a flowerpot and completely stomps on a 4yr old...i saw it happen and dont think ill ever forget him picking her up and throwing her on the ground and then stomping her in the back..so i did my job and pulled him to the ground..that i didnt like and i still dont..it makes me so mad thinking of him and knowing he didnt care..he hurt her because he was bigger and she was in the wrong place at teh wrong time...he has no remorse..i dont trust him i dont want to be around him..but he isnt going to be sent home at all...today he was restrained again by me because he tried to trip some kid on purpose and it was just because he was mad and wanted to hurt someone else..i couldnt believe he did it like just reached out and grabbed this kids ankle and laughed as he fell...he could have been in a lot more trouble..i grabbed him and moved him..but its like why do we have to be stuck with him..yea we got back and gave linda the whole list of things that he did and he was left to sit in front of the office to think it over..but seriously i dont get this kid at all..he is so smart and he does things like this?! y? i just dont know what we are supposed to do..i hate running to the office for help with a kid but seriously ive done everything im supposed to do to calm him down or talk to him or get him to do his consequences..and it doesnt woork...its killing my energy..right now all i want to do is have the summer end so we can move on and do something else..im tired of the summer stuff..its to crowded and way to overwhleming with all the noise and activity sometimes..i dont get how it can be so bothersome sometimes and i cant handle it but then sometimes i dont care at all..maybe im just to tired..ive been called mean and evil to many times to count..ive been told im hated and its like are you kidding me? ive had ppl i work with stand up for me and its like ok maybe im not mean..and i do try hard not to take what they say to heart but it gets hard...but hmm on to other stuff

kinda annoyed that ive been single staffed with 8 kids, one of whom is in need of a lot of extra help..and its like are you seriously telling me that you are pulling my costaff off of trail to do airport runs and leaving 2 staff to 15 kids? ugh its so annoying and tiring...in a million and one ways..im upset that i was left to work with the one person i really didnt want to be with and it stayed that way because no one else wanted to work with her and so i was left with her..its annoying..and it makes me wish harder for summer to be over and done with..i dont get her at all either and its like she spends so much energy trying to put on a good face for the office staff that its kinda sickening...i dont have enough energy to be that fake and its just ugh i want to tell her to give it a break..if you stay the entire summer that should say enough..but she tries to hard to seem like the perfect counselor..and she treats me like i have no say in some things..ive been here longer and i know how things go...its not a matter of whos better or not..its who can deal with everything thats thrown at them without cracking in front of the kids..and keeping their best interest at heart..i guess its hard seeing how much people can change depending on who they are around and who they are trying to impress..

all of the work stuff aside im thrilled to say i was a spazz and forgot about a couple bills i was supposed to be paying..and now they are late..still trying to figure out the loans stuff im supposed to be paying back and then all the fun reg bills..life is just a bunch of bills so ive decided once again..life is grand..but i was in walmart the other day and found crayons for 20cents and glue for 20 cents and got a new planner..maybe it will help me keep track of things better..i dont know if it will help or not..found out mommy is redoing the life insurance stuff on me..fun..i have to turn in the health insurance stuff..boo..and im losing track of everything right now so i guess im done

hate it

most of the time i dont really care about swimming at camp..id rather not be wet and have to be stuck blow drying my hair..but then some days i just really do want to go swimming and i cant anad it sucks..i have to plan for swimming because i have bathing suits but i dont let anyone else see them since i always swim fully dressedd..but its just a hassle and i hate all the stupid scars right now

sitcoms

wouldnt life be fun if it could be based off of sitcoms? any problem could be fixed in 30 mins...and hours if its really big..families somehow magically manage to be able to relate to each other no matter how big or stupid an issue may be..there is always some one there that magically has a answer to everything..when i was big into watching calliou all the time i thought about it then..that was like the perfect little cartoon family ..it still is but i dont have time to watch it as much anymore..but for all the shows i do watch that are sitcoms the old ones like boy meets world and step by step and family matters and a different world..everything has an answer..i wonder why things cant really be like that all the time ? and i guess if it was nothing would be as challenging or seem as important maybe..but maybe if it was like that then the world wouldnt be so screwed up..

im really really tired right now..like seriously all my energy has drained out of me..all the energy of being around the kdis are gone since they got to go home today..but this session was so much better than the last one..it was a good group and i was sorry to see them go in some ways..but glad in others..they were draining and i really didnt appreciate it being implied that since we had a good group then we didnt need the extra help when it was only 1 staff to 5 girls..and it happened a lot this session because of staffing issues and ppl quitting..so all the groups are understaffed and staff are pulled into different groups on a daily basis and it sucks because then there is someone how has a group of kids and they are the only one there...its not fair and without days off for days at a time its like we dont get a break...its easy to see why ppl in this field are so burnt out..there arent enough new ppl coming in and the old ones are used until there is nothing left...and yet i stay? why is it that i stay? and its funny when i say i live in my own little tali world but its partially true i guess..i dont do the things that would get me in ttrouble and i help where i can..i dont assume things will go as planned because thats just asking to be disappointed..yes i get stressed and tired and so very frustrated with the kids and with staff but its like..this is a job..what did i expect? this is a summer camp for now no less and its like ok umm have you ever seen an organized summer camp? when things go as planned then good but dont go in expecting everything to be perfect..your setting yourself up to be let down...i came back because i enjoy it..becasue it was listening to the kids say they have learned and grown in 3 weeks and want to come back..and it being told by parents that they appreiciate what we do and what we have to deal with..heck one set of parents asked if i would go home with them just to keep working with their daughter! i wasnt expecting that but its what i like..and then its the other staff ive grown used to and enjoy being around..i like that no one really cares i say its my birthday everyday and so they tell me happy birthday..no one cares if i wear the same clothes three days in a row because there is no time to change and no energy to bother..no one cares when its downtime and i pull out a coloring book or play with bubbles..only at camp can we have food/water/whipped cream fights and its an event for the day not something to get in trouble for..no one cares that i talked my group into washing my car and they volunteered for the job!!..only the ppl who work here can really understand the stories we talk about and the issues we have to deal with on a daily basis..no matter how small or stupid we have to deal with it...and then it was seeing some of my kids from last summer and seeing how much they have grown up..and become so much better at handling themselves..so i came back..and will again if i can..i like being here..i like the atmosphere and some how i manage to stay out of the politics of what goes on .. im not admin but im treated with the same status most of the time..and i know if i was offered a admin job i would have to say no..being in the office makes me crazy..the phones never stop ringing and i never volunteer to answer them..but i enjoy the kids regardless of being called some really bad things i still enjoy them in the end...

hmm all of that aside im glad for the couple days off..i need to recahrge..i need to be in the real world for a while..or pretend im in the real world at least..ive finally given in and agreed to go and see the new harry potter movie tomorrow morning..that will be the only treat for the time off..after that its laundry and more laundry and cleaning the apartment..ive slacked off big time with that and should be ashamed of myself for letting things get so messy..but its just i come and go with no real time to clean stuff up..i want to go and get a library card but im a little nervous about it..dont know why but i am...right now im just feeling really unfoucsed and trying to do to many things at once..

although ive finally gotten around to comprehending why it is i need to be held responsible for some thigns i do..with out someone there to check and make sure im doing it i wont do it..ill keep putting it off ..and putting it off..and agreeing to do it but still putting it off..its been 7 months and i have yet to do what i agreed to do before i left arran in dec!! before i graduated..and ive completely let it all slip on purpose yes but still...in school i was checked on heavily and now its just me and i dont really care it seems..i dont care enough

hmm

today is one of those overstimulating days and im getting a horrible headache and ive been single staffed for the better part of the last 4 days and i dont even get off again for another 4 days and im just ready to scream im so agitated and have absolutely no escape for now...im ready for the kids to go home.yes its been a great group overall but im ready for them to leave just so i can have a day off..an then its harder becasue a lot of the activities they are supposed to be doing gets cancelled and i cant do anything but try to keep them busy..and then they start bickering and arguing and having to call the dumbest issues ever on each other and so its just hard and tiring..i dont like it being implied that since i have the small group and they are good for the most part that it is perfectly ok to leave me with me group alone for days at a time beecause i can handle it..they seem to forget that being by myself means its just me and then and i cant get a break at all and i ahve to deal with all of there issues and everything..the other group we share the cabin with does help me out a lot because they have 3 ppl to our 2 ..so hopefully the next few days will pass without to many things going wrong and so that we can get them out of here safely...im just not feeling well and really overwhlemed right now...almost started crying this morning when one of the girls completely blew up over nothing and i told her i didnt want to talk to her anymore just to get away from her but then i had to deal with the rest of the group still..its just been a long long day i guess with no end in sight...hmm yesterday was the medieval fest and it was fun and all had somoe gross things thrown at me and got pulled out of the dining hall but i was completely pissed off that the sight group decided to start a food fight at the end of dinner and i was just standing in the doorway minding my own busniess and i get covered in mustard..that upst me and im guessing that outfit is completely ruined now..i cant even get time away to go and wash my clothes and it will stain horribly..im just getting a little tired of being ignored by the sight ppl..i prefer base and now i know why.its like we are on different planets now and if you didnt become friends during training then there is no time to even think about it now..we are kept to seperated and so the little rift that is always there between the two groups keeps growing..and now all the groups are horribly short staffed and ppl are just being pulled out of programs and put into other ones and then no one is happy and its harder to work with everyone..lots of work issues going on...so yea right now im just waiting for a break and thats about all..i just want some time to myself..

need to write

im starting to get really nervous about everything...a lot has to do with money and then it goes to work and then to life and then home and dusti and the list just seems to be busy right now...since the hike all ive done is pick at bug bites until i have most of them bleeding right now..its really hard because it did take until i was driving home tonight to even realize that ive traded posions once again..yea i havent been cutting but ive been picking bugbites all summer..im decorated in bandaids and i dont have any satisfaction at all until i make one bleed..and then of course everyone tells me not to scratch and its like ok..i tell the kids not to scratch and really mean it..it just really sucks becaause im not trying at all but i want them to try?! yea gotta love my logic at times...im tired and worried and just i dont know...money being my biggest worry right now..adn now i just kinda realize i shouldnt have done a lot of things and it sucks but everything is once again falling behind and its so stupid..and its my fault and i just cant figure out how to make any of it right no matter what..everything will bounce and then ill just have to spend even more money to fix it all..i think ill have to give in and move home in dec/jan..i just cant figure any other way out of things ..and it just really sucks..but i see no real way around it...home home home..just thinking about it makes me really want to cry or scream or run away..running away sounds good...run far far away and hide for forever..except then what would i do? cant run forever right? i dont want to be at home either but it looks like thats where im going..as much as i want to be by myself i just dont see it working out and being able to afford anything at the same time..where will i keep all of my stuff? what am i going to do with dusti? so many things are juts going back and forth in my head and i dont know how to deal with any of it..i keep seeing what little freedom ive gained going down the drain..and not coming back..ill be completely disconnected again..and the beck and call of everyone else once again..i have a killer headache and feeling really sick from binging as soon as i got home..i dont want to do what i really want to do...id really like to say i havent been cutting but scratching got a little of the same effect..i didnt stop i juts changed it again as i usally do..how much do i suck right this minute? its the same old thing and its like a lie i guess to even try and stop it..i dont have to asnwer to anyone right this minute so why dont i juts do exactly want i want to do without worrying about it? because im stupid and feel guilty over the smallest things..doesnt matter if it was my fault or not..if i was in on it and it is even remotely wrong then its supposed to be my fualt juts so i can come to terms with always being in trouble for reasons i dont think ill ever really understand..trouble is trouble is always attached to it...so why dont i just do what im expected to do and get it over with..but maybe

changing the subject

i dont think i have an entirely complete grip on the real world...how is it that suddenly i have ppl getting advice from me when i cant even remember most of what i do..why do things have to change..why cant i stay in my own little world and never come out..why is it that im so jealous over the most basic of human needs and hate myself so much for it..i dont need anyone at all ...but then i have yvonne who is a really great friend but i hurt her feelings because i wont talk to her..i think i hurt everyones feelings because i wont talk to them..but i dont know what to say and i hate talking about myself because im dull and boring and no one would want to hear anything i have to say..but then i have a lot of the ppl i wok with who take the time to say hi to me and ask how i am whether i give them a real answer or not..and i dont want that to go away either.. i try hard to be polite and nice but i think i fail miserably at it all the time ..and i think im just getting depressed again..

jumping subjects again

art was a lot of fun today..i colored a picture with a lepruchan in it and a pot of gold and it was full of colors..pretty ones..and i seriously talk to myself when im coloring..and then i made a wrinkled picture and got to paint overthe whole thing..and then i made a note box for the cabin and all the girls made their own and we can give them warm and fuzzies and it was a lot of fun..yvonne gave me a henna tattoo that really didnt show up well on my skin but it was still kinda cool having it on my hand for a while..and their is a kitten at camp..a little white fluffball named charlie and he is such a cute kitten and i really want him but i know i cant take him...dusti is still my favoritest pet ever and i would never just dump a kitten on her and leave for a week at a time..so no kitten for me

hmm why cant life just be simple and easy..guess it kinda just sucks for me that i cant remember when things were ever simple or easy

the hike is over

so im back from the hike and after a shower that took about 30 mins im starting to feel normal again!! woohoo for me...but overall this was the best hike we ahve ever done..we finished at 11:30 this morning and that was after making all the kids wake up at 5am and that was just painful in so many ways..i also no never to go without a sleeping bag again..its wasnt horrible but it would have been a little more comfortalbe...but im not one for sleeping outside and really being comforatable and its prolly good that i know that already..so it was so surprise when i woke up like 50times a night because i heard something or i was just freaking out and couldnt get to sleep..no bigi deal...but our girls rocked the hike big time..we did the whole 24 miles and on the 2st day even we did 5 miles in 3 and a half hours! talk about surprised! it was the coolest thing ever and oh so exhausting..each day we made it to our campsite by 5pm and that was even after having to stop for an hour in the lightening storm on the 3rd day...if we hadnt of stopped then we would have made it by 4 or before 4 but it was still really cool..that was the best we had done ever in the 5 times we have done the hike..maybe it really does get easier everytime...only saw one snake and a bunch of frogs and snails and slugs...the kids got to go swimming two nights in a row but i didnt since i didnt really pack a lot of extra clothes...we did have a campfire two nights though but had cold smores on the last night because of the rain and all the wet wood...but i had to hike in the fornt of the line the entire way and so maybe i dont really hold anyone up hiking at my pace..my pace got us done in plenty of time and i know i worked my butt off but its still just somewhere in my head that i could have worked harder..weird and stupid i know but oh well...right now im feeling ok..just tired and my feet really really hurt...there were no huge issues on our hike though..tons of bug bites and stuff but nothing major..some of the kids freaked during the lightening storm and i was scared to but its like ok do i calm them down or do i run for cover and worry about myself for a min..first one won out of course and so i calmed down the ones closet to me at the time in the front of the line and just talked to her and reassured her as much as i could that it was just a storm and it would have to stop at some time...i couldnt really say im afraid of sitting in the middle of a thunder and lightening storm too and i cant spare the energy to talk to someone else...but it was ok we all got through it in one piece but it really is major scary sitting outside with nothing but a raincoat on in pouring rain and really loud thunder and lightening with 7 kids and one other adult...funniest thing on the hike was the night me and the two CITS were trying to hang the bear bags..it was so funny and a lot of fun..like we were trying for a tree that was majorly to high and when we kept getting the wrong tree we tried for a different tree and then we started trying for a tree that was covered in branches and leaves that we couldnt get the water bottle to go through...and it was like projectile waterbottles flying through the air ! but we kept missing and it was still a lot of fun..like one of the CITs almost peed in her pants she was laughing so hard..and then the other counselor came and it was like ok the fun has to stop now...and its sucks a lot but that really is what it feels like..we were having plenty of fun just the three of us and then she comes and its not fun anymore..and she just kinda takes over...hmm i dont mind working with her at all but its like she changes when we are around the 'offical' ppl i guess and it sucks..because its like a control thing and suddenly im not really there anymore and she just tries to take over..so trying to figure it out...but there are only a couple weeks left in the session and then we are done and starting another session...lots has gone on in the work world and its like wow how much has i missed! ppl are quitting left and right and its like whats going on?

day off

as ive been laying here doing absolutely nothing and watching cartoons and law and order and then more cartoons and then watching pans labyrinth again and now im back to cartoons lol and inbetween all of that ive checked email fifty times and checked message boards and read and played on neopets and webkinz..yea its been a full day .. and im incredibly bored...i think ill try to take a nap before getting ready for work tonight and also i think im off again tonight because we are leaving for our hike tomorow and they try to give the staff the night off before the 4 day hikes..so hopefully i do..if not its not a huge deal but i hope so...i wouldnt mind getting one more night in a real bed..and i need to pack for the trip anyway..before going back to work i am going to look for a raincoat..im finally giving in and going to buy one if i can find one at walmart and its not expensive..if not then ill have to order one from sierra or campmor..i like those prices anyway ..im trying hard to plan for going to the movies when we are off next week..cas it will be after the new harry potter movie comes out and everyone really wants to see it! im trying to be patient!

i read the davinci code recently..finished it a few days ago and it was a really good book...it makes me really wonder about the ppl who spend their lives searching for things like that and how far ppl are willing to go to protect information and things..i havent seen the movie or anything yet but as usual the book of course will be much better then the movie...i was really disappointed in the blood and chocolate movie..i love the book and ive read it a bunch of times and i was so excited about hte movie and i saw it with henry while i was at home and it was just a huge disappointed..i cant even say it losely followed the book because it didnt! ugh but the way they changed was majorly cool..me and henry had our age old convo about whether vampires were better than werewolves and everything..he wants to be a werewolfish and i want to be a vampire minus the whole blood drinking thing..but anyhoo i really should like to buy that book..and i got a borders card so hopefully getting new books wont be such a huge deal..and ive learned that there is a build a bear in the mall thats alike around the corner..and i refused to go inside because i would have bought something and i cant...but it was really cool finding it and know i know its in the mall and ill have to be brave and take a trip to the mall by myself when i can to get one..

hmm nothing else interesting to talk about..i dont think

nothing to important

just nother day i guess..kinda feeling depressed kinda not..randomly dealing with wanting to cut or hide..feeling majorly tired and drained..im going to bed soon but im off and that is good at least..until tomorrow evening and then im back to work and on thursday we are actually leaving to go on our hike..not interested in going so soon but i have no real choice in the matter...i just want to get it over with more than anything..im ok working with the person im with now but i would have rather worked with anyone else..she is bossy and just rude to a lot of ppl she doesnt need to be rude to...normally when i go on my day off i worry about my costaff and this time i just dont care..and i dont know what it is about her that bothers me but i need to figure it out..yea ill be able to work it her and will but its not as much fun as it could be i guess..

so

im working with the girls for this session and im working with the one person i dont really feel like i know at all..yea ill work with her and be fair and everything but i would have preferred things turned out differently...i would have preferred staying with the boys..but oh well..just feeling tired and uninterested big time