wondering

how is it that i h ave to try to be happy? i dont know why it is ive even been so sad lately..but you shouldnt have to try to be happy..it should just be there and for me its not..i have to work at it..and its not fair..made ot back to school..almost hit something because the car cut off while i was turning..but still made it back in one piece along with dusti..spent the afternoon and evening with yvonne..we went shopping and out to dinner..got dessert first and no real food...just dessert and appetizers..and we even went to toys r us and i got another life game because it was on sale an my other one is in pieces..we played three games and its barely past 9 and it feels so much later..im so tired..but i was ok until i got sleepy..i tried hard to be happy for yvonne cas she was sad allen went home..and i tried hard not to let to many other worries get in the way..i was close to my usual self i guess not quiet like i really want to be..but still its hard..knowing i really will have to move and start packing an all this stuff im trying hard not to think about ill have to think about ..cant find a way around it anymore and ill have to start soon just so it doesnt become to overwhelming..i got jumper cables too today just because i guess it makes me feel better having my own in the car just in case..when i got back tonight i did go and start the car jhust to make sure it started and it did..i waited until the lights went off to make sure they were staying on and draining the battery..dusti is really happy to be back in the apartment..funny i can tell that but she is..no idea even how to explain how i know this...because i spent time with yvonne today ill be up early tomorrow to go to campus and work on my paper and all that fun stuff..tomorrow night ill work on getting addresses put on announcements to get them in the mail on tuesday and go to the bank and therapy and then work..i even remindered to ask janet about it last week..not sure she remembers but i asked an im just going in a little late not missing a whole day so it will be ok. its not really a busy week but its one i dont want to let end..there really is no going back now..ill have to graduate and walk across the stage an start living in the real world..and i wont say i dont want to since im trying hard to be positive about all of it..im not completely against it anymore but im not thrilled about it either..no sense rushing on this stuff..it would creep me out to much if i did..talked to mommy a little while we were at dinner and she told me to have fun because i had been working all break and until she said it i didnt really notice ..but i did end up working all break..everyday was something else and i didnt really get a break..everyone expects something out of me and its more prominent at home..more so now with granny home..home health stuff is a waste of money big time but who am i to complain..maybe i just saw them on a off day but they did nothing! i did more than them and i had to do everything they were getting paid to do..waste of time really i guess..not looking forward to christmas break at all now cas mommy wont be there.. and ill be the one stuck with granny most likely..along with cooking and babysitting and suddenly there just doesnt seem to be enough hours in the day at all..things are really starting to crowd in on me it seems..not enough time to do anything..i keep meaning to ask mommy about my moving out of greenville..logic is just waiting until jan but packing everything before that..more logic is its a waste of money to pay rent on an apartment i wont be in anymore after dec..but then where will my stuff go? more time if i wait until jan but paying rent on two places is stupid...could rent a place for a month for less and bills would be better..but i dont know what to do..will have to think of something though..as always