i dont remember ..just stupid stupid and more stupid

i dont know why i dont remember.. and i dont know why it matters so much all of sudden..i just dont get why i have such huge gaps in my memory from when i was a kid..more than huge gaps..years are gone..where exactly do i start remembering things?? most of it isnt even remembering there just ideas of things that have happened..things ive been told..not really memories..i know i went to school, i lived in a house, i was in the city until we moved, i know mommy added on to grannys house and we all got to camp out in the half built den, we played hide and seek all over the place while they were adding on, i know the stupid things..the ages are off and all of it just skips around so much..funny i can refer to myself as being dead before i was 8 but i dont know why i came up with it or how..how do you even die but still be alive..im pretty sure im not dead in any matter of speaking..and if im not a zombie then im guessing im pretty much as alive as i can get..i barely remember what i do on a week to week basis if i dont write something down about it..all of it just turns into vague refrences of things ive done..there isnt a time line just ive done this and this but i dont know when..i dont know who was with me or what i was wearing most of the time...its just scary not being able to remember stuff..maybe i dont want to remember it or maybe i forgot all of it on purpose i dont know..guess thats one of those things i dont know enough about to bother remembering..and it doesnt bother me all the time just weird days liek today when im wasting time not doing homework reading message boards and ppls stories and i feel bad that i dont know mine..i should kow it consdiering its my life..i know im incredibly boring and everything but give me something better to go on...it makes me really nervous and worried when i just keep trying to remember stuff i cant and then i just make it worse because what i do see doesnt make sense at all..it makes me think im crazy or just making stuff up to fill up space in my head..but i dont think ive ever really talked about being little with anyone..i dont remember being little ..and i know you dont skip years..how can more than half of my life be missing from my head? its not like it has anywhere to go anyway..and forcing myself to try and remember just doesnt get me anywhere when i dont know what it is exactly im trying to remember..i can barely get through my daily life now so why make it worse trying to deal with forgotten stuff..and it just doesnt feel right that i cant remember..im guessing i wont really like what i cant but maybe it would better if i did remember it at least.. my whole life could be this made up story about some other person and im just thinking its mine..maybe i dont have a life maybe im not here im invisible and forgotten..nothing makes sense...i know there arent a lot of pictures of me as a kid..i know because ive looked through the ablums mommy has at home..im only really in the one about me and nicole and even then its not really about me..handfull of pictures scattered through other books..but ive seen my birth certificate..once but ive seen it and its not even the orginal because mommy lost it and swore i took it and had to get another sent to her..so my birth certificate is seriously lackign in information..just my name really and the seal thingy ..no foot print or hand print or parents name or anything..i have a fake birth certificate..that would be interesting but its mine i guess..even if im not allowed to have it..im not allowed to have anyhtingg..maybe iwas abducted by aliens..maybe i was drowned by fairies..maybe i could fly..ok that would have been a lot of fun but prolly not since i randomly dont like heights much..flying really isnt my superpower of course anyway..whats the point of being in reality when i cant remember any of it..at least if im making it up then its mine to do with what i want..sometimes i worry that ill get so caught up in another person story ill start to think its mine when its not..just my luck i havent found one that rings any bells..still lost dealing with own and not really dealing with it..just thoughts and feelings of being bad and evil and not good enough..and fair enough i was told all this stuff but i cant remember when or why or what happened before..i just know how it ended..most likely me in some sort of trouble i dont remember getting myself into in the first place..but just that it was my fault and even if i dont remember it had to be bad..but when i have someone ask for the reasons for why i think all this stuff i just cant come up with anything.. theres nothing to come up with..and i dont know just really isnt working anymore..more likely than not i just say i dont know because i dont want to answer..and i still get asked stuff and i just automatically start going through this whole list of possilbe answers and taking out the ones i cant say or dont like or i just worry that all of them will get me in trouble and dont say anything until someone asks a different question..what will happen when im left by myself to long and i really do convince myself that i should die and actually tried to seriously kill myself..more than just taking a handfull of pills or cutting my wrists..what would happen if i ended up in the hostpital because i was stupid and let my head get away from me..suicide is suicide even if it doesnt work..trying is enough to screw you up for a while..i dont need anythign else to screw me up im doing just fine on my own thanks..i worry now that ill convince myself to try and die..the closer it gets to december the worse it is..i was ok before october came along and now its november and literally everyone is counting down to graduation and all i want is for it not to come..it just makes me incredibly nervous and scared..everything just has to change at once..and it cant be one thing at a time..i dont want to grow up..i havent grown up..im just stuck somewhere between being and adult and a kid..childish adult..funny cas everyone tells me im matter and responsible and all this other bs thats justa bunch of lies to get me to agree to do stuff..i hate who i am and i should die but i wont because i dont know..for now i wont i guess..but saying i wont and trying are two different things..saying i wont doesnt stop me from thinking about it all day long..obessed with death and dying and pain and just screwy stuff that if i stopped and really thought about would creep me out..i dont even like walking through trees at night becasue it creeps me out..i wont walk behind buildings on campus in broad day light with yvonne if i think its to creepy..but i can spend half of my day wondering what it would be like to die..yea that makes a lot of sense..im a hypocrite..i can tell someone not to give up and do other stuff when they start wanting to kill tlhemselves..but i refuse to listen to anyone when i want to die..actually i just dont tell anyone but i will at lealst look for someone to talk to about regular stuff..but i just dont really mention the oh did i mention i want to die..it would make me seem crazy..and all of this after i was so mad at susan when she tried..the thoughts dont c hange.they dont go away they just go into hiding for little bits of time until something else happens that reminds me of how much i suck..its not fair that i have to spend so much energy reminding myself that i have to stay alive and i dont have any good reasons for doing it..i would just suck at trying to kill myself..it wouldnt work..i would be in trouble..and maybe no one would notice..i could bleed to death in a crowded room and no one would notice..would be interesting but still incredibly stupid on so many levels...besides i find some comfort in making myself suffer for what ever reason..and because i know i can hide it until its way to late to help..if yvonne knew half of the things i thought about she wouldnt let me out of her sight for anything..i might as well be locked away in the hospital if i bothered telling what i thought about...not thats its bad or anything but its just not listened on the good things to think about list..suicide and care bears just dont go together..yvonne wont curse around me..well she tries not too..she thinks im naive or innocent or whatever..i say im naive but i know more than im given credit for i guess..a lot of stuff ive never gone through and so it would make sense for me not to know it..but somethings people just assume ive never done for the heck of it ..a nd im pretty sure i havent done most of the things ppl my age have done..i stopped going out after talis graduation party..considering i was drunk for two days prolly had something to do with it..and being drunk is a lot of fun but being hungover sucks horribly..i now know what it is adderall does and why college students like getting ahold of it..ive never taken them but tali has and other ppl im around occasionally .. but i just wouldnt pay to have it but some ppl need it to focus..its really big around exams and what not but whatever..pills arent really my thing unless its like vicodin or valium..those two i do enojy taking just for the heck of it...nia is on adhd meds, bipolar meds and depression meds im pretty sure last time i looked..mommy has meds for years ago hanging out in her med cabinet and i wouldnt have even found the valium if i hadnt been in there looking for my blades..not that i even expected to find them but i check every so often just to be sure she hasnt stuck them somewhere i can get too..i ha ve no idea what she did with the bunch she took from me..im guessing threw them away but i dont know..she could have hide them somewhere..but she also knows i will go through her stuff if i get the idea in my head..and i dont do it to take stuff i juts want to know whats going on..but i dont do it a lot any more..im sick of finding junk out...its not that important anyway i guess..its illegal to open and read someone elses mail but mommy reads mine.she reads all of our mail..which is why i dont get anything sent home if i can help it..guess im way off from what i started with..im just being stupid as usual..why should i care about any of it at all? why should i bother trying so hard to keep myself alive when i juts go back and forth between being okay with myself and hating myself..more hating than anything else..whats the point of any of it..one of these days i will kill myself i guess..accidently or not its like some future plan of mine..i never thought i would be alive to graduate and i am..but i dont have to be either..i hate the count down part to graduation and the time is short enough now that i do it without meaning too..it just kinda happens and all of a sudden i ahve numbers in my head about it just leads to something i cant stop..i dont want to graduate and i dont think that will change..but i guess somewhere in there will have to start being happy about it so ppl will stop telling me how happy i should be..i just want to tell everyone to leave me alone..dont know how that would work and then ill have yvonne who doesnt know whats going on anyway trying to help..and i do feel bad for shutting her out but i dont want her to know and i dont want her to try and help...id rather no one knew what i thought about..its not worth anyones time anyway..its not important and theres nothing in it..just my craziness and random stuff that never ever makes sense..and if i did tell or talk or anything would it really help?? what would be the benefits of actually using therapy for what it was supposed to be used for?? i would be lost if i couldnt just look at the wall and forget the questions ive been asked..but it doesnt really matter because i listen when i dont want to listen..i remember what i should and proceed to think about it until i can figure it out and make sense of it..but i dont want to be hated by someone else for being a screwup and i try hard not to give away to much information..but i think starting to be a bit transparent..i spend to much time reminding myself not to cry..i can threathen myself without ever meaning to follow through with it but it works all the same..empty threats i remember..1o1 ways to makes a kid to socared to go home but unable to escape it..tell them there gonna be in a lot of trouble when they get home and then leave them with 5 hours to think about it and worry until everything scares them..doesnt matter if mommy forgot what she said or not..threats a threat and once you seriously think your in trouble nothing changes that..besides if she forgot for a couple days doesnt mean she wont bring it up again and again just to make you worry more until you would rather just go ahead and be hit just to get it over with..were you abused as a child? no. then why are you so crazy now? you just scream dysfunction and crazy without having any help from anyone..leave me alone..some things are better left forgotten..what good does that do me when i dont remember anything any way?? tell me what the point is in trying to forget what i dont remember..i could have been brainwashed for government experiments and wouldnt be able to remember any of it..i swear im a lifetime movie i nthe making..and i need to stop coming up with stuff before i start believing all of its craziness..no i wasnt part of government experiements..interesting standpoint but no...you know all of this is your fault and saying you deserve it just isnt enough..i wonder if talking to myself makes me crazy...im starting to drift so i guess i need to run out of things to ramble on about and do my homework..i hope i do a horrible job and fail my presentation..ill do horrible in my intern and fail that too..and when i do it wont matter if i tried to kill myself or not because everyone will be to mad at me to notice...no one can tell me what to do right? im supposed to be an adult and that means taking responsibilty for what ive done..so failing would be my fault and my fault alone..now it just falls on me to decide what im going to do