if i wasnt breathing im not sure id be noticed at all..


yea i guess thats pretty much all i wanted to say..

all day long i run calories through my head..i know than i thought i did..imaginary menus, what i can have and what i cant have..i look at all the stuff in the cabinets and dont want any of it..i already know how low i can let my cals get for the day before i get dizzy..i was dizzy last week from not eating and ended up eating anyway...i know staying under 1000 is possible if i want it..i can stay under 500 if i want to suffer..under that isnt really cool for me and my spaciness goes to a whole new level..but 500 to 1000 is good..today wasnt a good day eating wise..tomorrow will be better i guess..tomorrow ill be busy at least

insert some wasted time here..sidetracked watching a movie and looking around online since i wasnt really sure what i wanted to write..but movies over now and i still have an hour before heroes starts..

not sure what im going to do..i should go and clean up while i have some free time..not counting that most of my day was full of free time i just didnt do anything..im a slacker and should be killed..

what is it that makes a person really try to kill themselves..i dont know..i dont remember really what i was thinking about the last time i was really suicidal like beyond caring what anyone had to say suicidal..hmm its been a while..and playing with a lighter is prolly not cool right this minute..what happens when you blame the wrong person for stuff that happens? maybe there really is no one to blame. i know i blame myself for stuff thats not a huge secret or anything but if i know im blaming the wrong person then how come i cant stop doing it? sure its easy and occasionally entertaining in the worst way but its still wrong i think..maybe im just completely used to the idea that im the one wrong and im the one that has to be punished for stuff..and whether i did it or not is not the real question..im scared of how different things to will be really soon..what would happen if i called linda and told her i changed my mind about the job and didnt take it so i could stay in greenville..everyone would be mad at me or disappointed and wonder why in the heck i was stupid enough to say no to a job..what if i get there and dont like it or suck horribly at it.. and insert some more wasted time playing with dusti

and i give up on writing tonight..its taking forever and im jumping around big time