ramble

since i cant sleep i might as well write...not feeling to good right now..kinda sickish but not really..guessing ill feel better in the morning though..hope i do anyway..its getting cold..welp it is cold and has been all day and the wather station says its supposed to be staying cold for a few days...i hope it does since im kinda tire d of it being so hot in november..its supposed to be snow weather but if not snow ill have to settle for the temps dropping...i kinda want coffee in all its grossness..i dont really know what im feeling right now..kinda out of it mostly sad..on the edges of falling asleep and just havent yet..maybe ill bore myself and think of math problems..nah thats torture..i could try to calm my thoughts down a little and actually see if it helps..i still remember the mindfulness stuff..dont use it as often anymore only when im really going on my thoughts are on a caf high that i eve nconsder doing it..tonight its not going to fast just kinda i dont know..im thinking i need to stop trying to analyze whats left of my head..my brain might fall out or something..already im thinking of ways to get out of going home..not that it really matters considering when i stopped by last time there was all this junk stuck in my room..cant even get in there anymore really..where in the heck am i going to be sleeping?? how is it that of all 4 rooms upstairs she picks mine to store junk in..and the fact that everyone keeps taking my stuff doesnt make me happy either...im pretty sure wayne took my tv since i couldnt find last time..after i told him to put it back when he moved my tv and put another in my room..its not fair..if i had done it i would have been in loads of trouble..and for some reason it juts doesnt matter that everyone can move my stuff around and no one gets in trouble...why should it matter i guess..im not the important one and im not doing anything worth mentioning..im not really holding my breath for anyone to show up to my graduation except mommy..everyone prolly already has plans..i forgot to order announcement things earlier and so it will be my fault if no one shows up anyway..what difference would it make anyway..im depressing..i need a new hobby..i need to pay more attention to which letters im typing and spell more words right..im really quickly heading into a mean mood..i think it would be easier being someone else..pretending to be someone else..i wish often enough but i dont have anyone i want to be..ill settle for someone who just isnt me..if i could trade any one of my traits for something else which would i choice to give up? lack of talking is the first thing that comes to mind..thats a stupid question. i cant trade anything so no point in pretending..i dont know what i want..not sure if i ever did..sleep seems to be the only escape..ok second..thought of cutting first but im tired and dont want to bother looking for the handy razors ive been carrying around all week..i suck horribly right now because if i fall asleep obsessing about cutting ill wake up still thinking about it...i thought about it this morning because every little thing is bothering me and i cant keep a normal mood to save my life..its just constantly back and forth..happy and sad..ok and sad since im not really sure im ever completely happy..im just ok..and right now im not ok ..bed it is...im a boring person and whose fault is it that i am? this one really is my fault..its not anyone elses..so much for taking responsibilty and i pick the stupidest times to start remembering why it is im supposed to take responsibilty..for some reason im really thinking im screwing up this whole thing and not making much sense at all..bed it is before i give myself a worse headache