since im just laying here half hiding under the blankets losing focus on everything as pain meds kick in..figured i might as well write before my head explodes..im getting rather morbid in my old age..wasting time thinking up new ways to day..keep telling myself i hate you..randomly remembered i still have a valium and now i want to take it..went through the whole list tonight..thought about puring didnt want too..did binge but just didnt purge..thought about cutting and didnt want to settle for that..back and forth between the two because i cant decide as usual..and that was about an hour ago while i was watching tv..couldnt decide what to do with myself so im just laying down now..listening to the silence..trying to stay warm enough so that my blood doesnt start to go weird and freeze or seomthing..im sleepy..maybe since tomorrow is saturday ill be able to sleep later than 6..i set my alarm and its a waste of time..i wake up at 5:50 in the morning afraid ive missed my alarm and ill be late..considering im leaving a full hour and a half early for work i worry ill be late..i dont even have to leave that early and i juts do now..i wake up before my alarm..prolly because my dreams have gone all weird..but at least im not the one being killed in them.sometimes theres a person who ends up dying but its not me..so just all around new weird stuff that i dont remember when i wake up so its prolly a good thing..tomorrow if im feeling better ill work on my presentation..well if im feeling better ill clean if im not ill juts slowly finish piecing together my project..i want to go away..something keeps scaring me..i dont want to do my presentation on monday..and i will even if it kills me..i want to get it over with so i dont have to worry about it anymore..i dont want to keep thinking about graduating..i dont really want to thinik about anything..i want a way out but there isnt one ..ill just be forced to suffer forever..or however long ill be able to go talking myself out of doing junk..if i write about it at least then i can remind myself how stupid some of it is and how obvious it can be that it wont work..or i can just talk in circles and not really say anything because im not really sure where the real issue is hiding at..i think i do that a lot..talk around stuff because im not sure how to say it..or maybe i really have nothing to say..maybe im just i dont know..to many maybes in the my world..