thinking..worrying.whatever

so im thinking i still need a new hobby just to keep myself distracted from everything i think about...i have told people that i have a job and ill be moving and overall everyone is really happy for me..only one or two who actually asked if i was sure i was doing the right thing and if i really wanted to be so far away..but oh well for them..its not like i didnt look for a job closer to greenville because i did and it was a pain..this job really does work out and maybe i need to go and just see how it is, its not like i have to stay if i dont like it but ill be there until may if i like it or not.ill be back in june for the camp and then in aug if i need to make changes i will...but thats farther down the line of things i need to think about...lately the most pressing issues are not knowing what is going to happen and how hard it is finding an apartment and if ill be able to take dusti with me and then of course what im going to do about therapy..the dusti and therapy things are constantly going around in my head because i cant figure out a way to make them work..i dont want dusti to become a burden on anyone and she is mine and i dont know what i would do without but im not sure its far to keep her and only see her a few days a week..less over the summer..but giving her away isnt an option..i dont want to ask mommy to take her again because yea she was fine and safe and taken care of but its not the same as her being with me..its just different leaving her with someone else for huge amounts of time...i cant ask yvonne to take her when now yvonne will be loking at moving too..so dusti goes with me is what it comes down to and so that brings up another issue..finding apartments that accepts pets isnt the hard part..ive checked places online..im starting to narrow down price ranges and all that good s tuff..but good grief the pet fees are killer..i know so pets seriosuly screw up apartments but not all of them! $300 for a one time fee for a cat i just dont see the point of..still i know if i want dusti i have to decide how much i can and cant pay overall..and if i find a place with huge pet fees ill have to work my butt off over christmas break and save all i can and stll not move until january..im thinking waiting and moving when i have a couple paychecks under my belt is way more sensible than just moving now when i know i dont have the extra money for the security deposits and extra rent and fees and getting utilities squared away..ugh i had forgotten about all of this stuff..the therapy and soon to be lack there off is another big deal..as much as i dont like going and spend most of my time studying the very interesting patterns on the walls and floor..i just kinda know i dont need to stop completely now..even though i know i was okay and managed okay while i was there over the summer, i dont want to bet i will be okay this time when i dont really know..i want to be ok and i hope i am but what will happen if im ok there but will have to leave some day..it will be just like it was when i left over the summer..i was ok there but it took less than two weeks before i was back to my usual stuff..i cant expect to just let things disappear or find new ways to ignore them as much as i might want too..ill still have to go home sometimes..ill still be expected to do things..and i would really really like to stop wising i owuld die..i dont know what triggers my moods most of the time..and i can go from ok to not ok really fast..and i also know that when i had to do the medical forms for over the summer i know depression was put on there but ie forgotten what else..i know eatin disorder wasnt one cas i kindly left that out of the convo when i talked to the doctor at the health center..i dont know why it was so different over the summer and i dont know why it worked so well being there..and that is so not the truth..i do know why or have some idea of why but im thinking about it right now..but i keep going back and forth as usual on what i want to do..i want to stay in therapy but i dont want a new doc..i played with the idea of just driving back to greenville every couple weeks for appts like i do now but 2 hours of driving bores me completely..and six hours is a long drive..i just want to be ok and im not really sure i know how to do that in a way that doesnt hurt afterwards..im just not really sure what i should do..what i need to do ot whatever..somewhere in my head i keep saying ok therapy isnt the biggest thing to stress over and going doesnt mean its the end of the world..bt i still dont know what i want to do about it..the more i think about it the more confused i am...i worry that somewhere along the line someone will end up hurt by some decision ive made and now i just cant decide on anyting and be comfortable with it...geez im even worried about driving up there with mommy if she helps me move..then i tell myself not to worry so much about what ppl think of me and laugh at myself in my head for even getting that thought..but if it was possible it would be nice..it would also be nice if i would stand up for myself and find out im not a complete dork and that im not a bad person..all this stuff that i want is just filling my head with no way to go anywhere..who would want to hear what i want when they keep changing..i just want the basic stuff..i could settle for being happy and liked but not loved...im back to having endless lists of things in my head that i need to do..at least it wont be any trouble leaving the apartment lease wise considering never renewed are lease in the first place for this semester..its hard looking around and starting to seperate whats mine and what isnt..i have to seriously get rid of a lot of my clothes..if i dont wear them im not taking them and well there goes most of my clothes..some ill keep just because but most of them are just taking up space..i have to go through and really throw away a lot of stuff..or donate it or something..ill find out on monday what my grades are for my class..i found out i have one more paper to write..a self reflection kinda thing about my time in the social work dept and how its gone and what i learned..that kinda stuff..im not really worried about it but im once again putting off doing it..im worrying about work stuff and suddenly knowing im not going to be at the hospital nymore to help is scaring me..but now its in the form of what will the do without me..knowing that they got on perfectly fine before i was there and they will be fine when im gone but still it hurts..knowing im leaving and then moving so that i cant even drop back in whenever i wanted too..i wonder if ill ever see them again..if ill ever talk to them or see any of the kids i worked with..and i dont want to leave ..i want to stay forever and i want to be mad at the hospital for not giving me a job..im gonna go out on a limb here and say im thinking i have a little seperation anxiety..but my allergies are seriously killing me and im gonna go to bed before i wake the house up clicking the keyboard keys..