nervous breakdown

maybe im having a nervous breakdown and just dont know it yet..not like i have anything to go on but maybe ill just wake up one morning and completely freak...i dont know..its been a really really weird day..so so paranoid about my car now ..always wondering if it will cut on or turn off now..now that i actually have jumper cables ill prolly never ever need them...it worked fine today..didnt cut off at all..drove fine well as fine as my driving goes..went to therapy and asked for valium ..not that i got any or will get an actual prescription either..i cant even figure out what im going to do with the last one i have..i know exactly where it is without looking for it ..as soon as i think about it i can pinpoint where its not and im hiding it or anything but im not sure i want to take it either..but if i dont take it them what am i going to do with it..the more things start to freak me out the more i want to take it just because it will make me sleep completely for a while..when i took it last time i had me sleeping in less than an hour..not that i was incredibly active when i took it but whatever..i want it as muchas i want to cut or purge but i just look at it and cant decide...and because i want it so much i already know i wouldnt ever be able to trust myself with a script for more than one..i wouldnt trust myself with any of those meds...and i dont want to have to take them but i was thinking about it today after it came up in therapy and my initial thought is always no..because i cant be trusted to put it simply and its just easier not having the temptation there ..mainly i guess because given enough time and stress it wouldnt take much to talk myself into overdosing..i dont take meds correctly now and those are reg tylenol and what not..so just kinda better not to have any unless im like completely off the wall or something..guess its prolly a good thing i know that..sucks big time but i know it all the same..and no one in their right mind knowing my rather small history would give me valium anyway...nice to think about but no..beyond the med t hing i was thinking about my anxiety levels today and its just really ahrd explaining how nervous and scared i can get and then stay that way for a good while before it even starts to lessen..i can tell in my writing and i know when i am but no one else really could unless i said something about it..and it just sucks because once im completely nervous or anxious or scared about something i really cant be helped...i just dont listen to anything or dont believe anything...and its weird that it happens in the times when im by myself ..timeframe wise im not in therapy or really talking to anyone for that matter..ill write and drive myself up the wall wondering about all of it but more likely than not i dont really ask for help..how can anyone help me when im like that? its one of those constantly moving becasue sitting still makes it all worse...i dont know..maybe meds would help..maybe they wouldnt ..but for the sake of addictions and what not ill hold off on getting on anything..and of course lack of insurance helps with that decision too..right now im not really really anxious about everything but im nervous about everything that is happening..and it gets worse when i stop and think about it because i try to remember that im supposed to let it happen and then let it go..but as soon as it starts i get scared and of course start pushing all of it away..im gonna develop a nervous twitch again..but at least the jumping eye thing has stopped...ok gotta change the subject...accept that your scared..no i cant..your a waste of time..a lot of time lately has gone into telling myself to calm down before i freak out ..not that it helps but its a distraction for the time being i guess..calm down and think about something else..and why does cutting have to be the next thought?! why cant i get a break..cut this morning..dont need to cut again..cutting has changed and im not sure i like it anymore..the shame of doing it is still there but now more guilt about all of it..like im supposed to be better and im supposed to stop and i havent yet and so i just suck more for doing it..i dont do it a lot anymore and that too was brought up in therapy..and i really dont know when all of it changed..i mean i still do it but not as much or as often..it has been a really long time since ive done anything on a daily basis..b/p is back to be once or twice every other week..cutting is getting back to 2 or 3 week time spans..and even when i do it its not horrible..havent burned in forever..i dont remember the last time but its been more than 6 months..but since i havent stopped it doesnt count as getting better..its like im just delaying the inevitable..and ill do it eventually and one of these days ill get around to killing myself but i dont know when ill do it...not even that worries me since i think about dying so much...a lot of things i dont even notice until its brought up..i dont give myself credit for a lot of stuff and i dont think that will change..im not sure i do want it to change really.why give myself credit for anything when idont matter at all ?! would be a waste of time and effort really..i really have no idea what im going to do with myself when i leave..i really really dont know..and still leaving makes me want to cry and im s cared i will cry...really really soon..bet if i did have a breakdown no one would notice..i could prolly get away witih killing myself and no one would notice at all..this being one of the few times i would scream not to be left alone and ill be more alone than ever..just kinda works out that way i guess..ill do my usual stuff and be dumb enough not to really die..and be ok because it wont matter as long as no one can see what ive done..so i guess that makes it a win/win situation..could be a win/lose situation but ill show up at my graduation and be happy...completely forgot i hadnt been taking my vitamins until i brought it up today..i was starting to scare myself i couldnt remember if i took them or not and then wouldnt take them anyway cas i wasnt sure..how can the days run together so much..my lack of memory skills should really be questioned..it took me an hour to rmemeber what i did at work last week..and i was only there one day..didnt do that much and i couldnt remember! i cant remember anything i did the week before that..and if i do start to remember something i dont know when i did it..i think my head as a leak or something..everything just slips out and i dont mean it too..early childhood has been wiped out..i should stop trying to remember it..but all the gaps i have no idea what im doing with all my memories..mindfulness came up again and its not that i dont do it..ok no i dont do it ..hardly ever..sometimes it helps me calm down enough to sleep but thats kinda the only time i really remember to use it..my lack of staying present is bothering me a lot right now...sometimes i could swear im paying attention to whats going on around me..and then there are times when im doing something but im so not there at the same time..its really quote hard trying to explain that one..not that ive really tried but thinking about it makes me sound completely crazy..its like taking daydreaming to the max and then not remembering any of it..i know i wasnt paying attention to what i was doing but i wasnt paying attention to what i wasnt doing either..if im not in my head where in the heck am i going? it cant even be described as an outter body experience if im not going anywhere! im just not there anymore..weird i guess...but the problem comes up with why im not paying attention i guess..if im forgetting everyday stuf then im not paying attention to anything..andd not remembering stuff is one of those things that makes me really nervous..its really hard hearing yvonne talk about being little and i dont remember anything about when i was little...there arent really pictures of me little anywhere..one album im in and im not allowed to even touch it so its not like i would know anything in there anyway..im not feeling to happy at all right this minute..confused about all of this stuff..and now i am worried about how ill be able to handle anything for the next two weeks...i dont know what to do