thinking

today hmmtoday has turned out a lot better than expected...i got a 95 on my second process recording..my teacher took me to lunch and then paid for me..not planned but her class wwas cancelled and i was just looking to waste time in her office for a while..but it was really rather nice going out to lunch with her..she lelt me order anything i wanted! and i told her that her driving didnt scare me but being in her truck freaked me out because it forever looked like we were riding the curb and it scared the heck out of me...but it was fine i got back in one piece and didnt die although i told her she was going to give me a heart attack..i told her i would drive her truck next week!! no idea if we will go anywhere but it will be fun..i went and saw valerie and told her all my news and told her bye in a way..we talked about a lot of stuff that has happened..well some stuff that has happened and of course i told her i was scared about moving and starting over ..i think everyone is learning im scared of moving...well some people know..but everytime i try to talk about it some of it becomes a little easier to deal with..we talked about suicide and whatnot..of and how well my grades have gotten..on a semester to semester basis they are ok..overall they still suck majorly...but still it was good going to see her again..i told i couldnt just leave without dropping by.. but it was a good thing to do i think..found out i won a prize from the health fair i went to and have to go and pick up tomorrow..and my car is still starting for me..and i get to sleep in tomorrow morning..today has been a really good day..even though in class we talked about starting to terminate in our placements and that made me sad..dr. bunch got the days mixed up and i got scared like i think i stopped breathing scared because i thought field ended a day earlier than i was expecting! i had to look at my calendar and once she fixed the dates i was ok again. but just that moment left me ready to cry for no reason..an maybe that is adding on to my stress about everything..i keep saying i dont want to leave knowing i have too..i keep trying to hold off the inevitable and not let it happen..and the more i think about not wanting to leave the more i worry about actually leaving...im leaving everything..not just my placement..im house and ecu and even therapy..i couldnt take it slow like a normal person and do one thing at a time..nnnnnnnnoooooooooo i get it all taken away at once it seems like..all within a month and then im starting over..and it still scares me so much..ive written about it and written about it so much i should be able to handle it by now but i cant..it just feels more andd more like i cant handle it..i worry about what ill start doing when it all becomes to much...i want to think about moving and starting over in a good way but doing that brings up my lack of friends and how i dont want to drinking way to much again and going out..i had my fun with that and now its over..but with my schedule how will i have time to make friends or meet new people or anything outside of the people i work with...i just dont know..the more i play with dusti the more i dont want to have to leave her with someone else..i know she will be taken care of but its not me and it just wouldnt be the same..more and more i think of what im going to do with all my stuff and where im going to live and how things will work out..why does change have to be so hard and confusing and why cant i deal with any of it. it does not make me feel better knowing ill end therapy and wont be able to stay safe enough to stay out of therapy..i might be a lot of things but unfortunately i do happen to know myself enough to know if left alone to much i will quickly go back to being really suicidal..and the difference would be that now i dont have someone there checking on me..i wont have my teachers any more to just go an be with..ill really have to take care of myself and do things without anyone telling when i need to do something..ha ill be an adult a real one and im not really sure i like that idea...who would be dumb enough to trust me in the real world?! im a nutcase at times..