ramble

another night gone..i didnt cut..binged but didnt purge...sooo will see how long i can go without eating..completely forgot what i was talking to myself about last night as i was going to sleep and i really did want to remember but i forgot still..maybe it will come back to me when im not thinking about it so much..gotta go to work well gotta get ready for work..at least its not raining anymore..still kinda down and what not..still not sure what to do about this weekend..

hmm im ashamed of what goes on in my head..decided that on monday but didnt bother picking up on it until last night..if i did what i keep seeing in my head i would have been dead a month ago..but im not for whatever reason not that it really matters..its just as bad thinking about it and not doing it

and i remember what i was thinking about last night...before i went to bed i was looking through some of my older posts here..since i just thinking of time frames for what ever reason and my blog is almost 2 years old..4 months shy of my having it for 2 years..hard to believe really but the dates are right there and im not making it up..but i was reading or glancing through some of them last night when i just kinda noticed that i dont really go back and reread what i write..it doesnt matter where im writing it or why since i do write a couple different places..although this one just gets everything..guess i like it best..or it may just be because yvonne reads the other one and i dont want her knowing im crazy...but anyway..i dont reread what i write..last night just glancing through stuff from a year ago and looking at the titles and pulling up the interesting ones was enough to make me cry without really getting into what they were about..it wouldnt take long to pick up a pattern in my writing if i wanted to waste the time doing it..but what i write is just really sad most of the time..and it hurts rereading it..if im reading what i wrote after i write it then i have to acknowledge i wrote it..i have to deal with it and know that it was really in my head..if i write it then i was thinking about it or have thought about it..i would have to remember and i dont want too..i do think i like the fact that im so good at hiding what i feel and not having anyone know..but thats because i dont talk and i dont give out emotions easy..but its different when i write..i dont read it and in a way no one still would know what went on in my head..not a lot of ppl have the link here and its not like its read that often and not by me...

today was a really long day..