just the same

why do things have to be so confusing and sad..maybe im just making all of it confusing and sad and that makes it all worse..cas i know its my fault and i dont know how to fix it..if i stopped long enough and thought about it i guess i could remember something from therapy that might help but right now i everything has gone into hiding and i prolly couldnt find anything i really needed..work was just long today..long and drawn out and i was so ready to go by like 3..slacked on getting other work done but ill have stuff to do tomorrow and still ahve to stay all day prolly..i would leave early but not by alot..around 4 though..supposed to be getting bad weather tomorrow here too and im really hoping its ok when i have to leave..its bad enough driving when its starting to get dark..but anyway..same old usual worries running around in my head..while i was feeling dead today i looked up apartment stuff and actually found some that looked ok enough to check out..felt stupid for thinking gas and electricity were the same things..no idea why i would need both or maybe im just missing something..all of it still scares me though..i dont want it to because being scared makes me worry im making the wrong choice about all of it..and that maybe i should stay here and just figure something else out..but im not sure i want to stay here..i want to be on my own.. im getting tired of everything and maybe a change of scenery will be good..maybe all of it will be good and i just dont know it yet..i just worry because i dont know what ill do once im really by myself...i barely remember when i started college and what i worried about..the dominate thing was being paranoid completely of mommy just turning up somewhere..freaked everytime i saw a van that looked like ours for the first year..that i remember but not much else..cutting and purging where big problems then but they worked for whatever reasons..and now it helps but not as much..no idea why i dont just stop then but anyway..once im by myself whats to say i wont start doing all the same stuff again? im not big on being by myself for to long in a bad mood..how can i trust myself to stay safe at all when there really wont be anyone there to check on me and make sure im doing the important stuff..like getting out of bed or eating or something else equally mundane..how much does it suck that i cant even get myself to believe i wont try to kill myself once im gone..i cant even believe i wont do it now..here i guess i know what counts as getting help and what will happen if im that stupid..i dont know anything about what sc is like and what would happen..not that i would call anyone anyway but still..incase i changed my mind or something what would i do..all of it sucks..cant believe im dumb enough to have any of this in my head anyway..had ice cream for dinner..wasted a lot of money today and on something as unimportant as food..considered purging now but dont really want too..took a while to decide on if i wanted to go and get more..decided against it but eating has moved back into completely off the wall..spend most of the day not eating and then once im off o f work all i want to do is eat for a couple hours and then stop again..guess the good part still would be not purging but since i think about it enough i dont know if it really counts as not doing it..picked up my razors from work today..dont realy remember why i took them out of my bag in the first place and at work but i have them again just to have ...the new cuts on my ankle arent bad and havent gotten to the really itchy part yet..but im guesing ill get to scratch the heck out of them in a couple days..maybe ill spend the weekend sleeping ..dont know yet if yvonne will be going home or not but i guess ill come home tomorrow and find a note..i do want to go and see the nativity story but lacking money kinda..best to wait until i know all the bills have been paid..so ill just spend the weekend in the house most likely..not going home..waste of gas..nothing to do around town that i want to do..dorthy asked if i would come to the hospital on saturday so maybe ill do that if i wake up on saturday in an ok mood..still dont know