realistic

maybe i am looking at things from the wrong point of view..i have been spending a lot of energy worrying and being nervous about what is going to happen when i guess i dont really know what is going to happen..all i know is that i have a job that starts jan 2..that is not going to be changing at all and maybe i need to stop working so hard to figure out a way to make it change...moving can and will be a hassle..looking at everything i have in my room lets me know that..but moving is also the chance at getting away i want so much..i can be whoever i want to be..given eventually i will have to make my way back to therapy just to make sure i dont kill myself but overall im not suicidal all the time and working and being the real world i really will be able to do what i want to..be who i want..within limits cas im not about to go and decide i want to go sky diving or something..small steps right?! maybe making plans on what i have to do will help with lessening the overwhelming feelings..i dont know but its worth giving it a try...not like driving myself up the wall has made things better!!..like shopping for new stuff was fun this weekend..knowing ill be getting my own place and being on my own completely does have some levels of excitment...still its really scary though..but maybe knowing it wont go away until it happens means ive just got to deal with it and work on getting around it without ignoring it..yes ignoring it just keeps it in my head all the time...so yea maybe i need to finid a new way of looking at things

see i do listen in therapy

had therapy twice today .. im tired ..well once was actually with my doc and then i went and saw my teacher who is a therapist and who has known me since i started in the program and was the first who found out about the s/i..and still talks to me..we are going out for ice cream in a couple weeks!! dr bass who i saw in the hall way told me i need to come and talk to her about moving..my teachers are happy for me..mommy is even ok with my going away..so why cant i be comfortable with it?! better yet why cant i allow myself to be comfortable with it

starting to get a fuzzy head...time to eat considering i havent had anything but pretzels so far today and that was early tis morning and then got sick anyway i was so nervous lol..i knew better than eating and did anyway since its always the same thing..before the appt i freak and am nervous and slighty sick..afterwards im fine..im just weird like that..but i do have some stuff to finish in the lab and then i can go and grab some dinner and head home for the day.