lost

all day long ive been thinking of everything i wanted to write about when i got home and now that im home i cant put anything into perspective anymore..ive had this page open for almost two hours and im just starting to write because i cant put it off any longer..im worried ill keep getting sadder and sadder and cut..ive forgotten what the pain feels like and im starting to really want it..not particularly cutting pain but just pain in general..feeling a bit dead and nonexsistant with everything..i dont know..to many things running through my head making me wonder what exactly it is im trying to do because i really dont know..its funny how some people have there whole lives planned out and i can barely plan a day at a time..i dont plan a day even, i just know what i have to do and do it..tackle things as they come up..i feel so disorganized all the time..everything is messed up to me but im so organized and pulled together to everyone else..i really wish sometimes that i could kill that image of myself but its so annoying..i cant break down because everyone thinks i have this perfect life and i can handle anything without thinking twice about it..no one would last a day in my head..i dont think it would be possible for anyone but me to stay in my head and even i get sick of myself on a daily basis..i was thinking today that maybe im not crazy enough to need help..maybe i should be doing things by myself because i can push all this junk away and get through everyday stuff with some sort of normalcy...im so jealous of people who do know there own stories..some of them i read but most of them i skip and have no intention of reading becasue its not fair that they know their life and i dont know mine..then im just stupid and guilty for being jealous in the first place...i dont want there life but i dont want mine either..maybe i deserve all of it and deserve to suffer big time just for the heck of it.. weird how much ive come to depend on this blog to get things sorted out..no matter how stupid or trival i might think something is i can still come here and just write it all down without worrying if ill be in trouble or called stupid..not counting what i say to myself about what i write...why is it that i see no problem at all with wishing i would die or making myself hurt just because i can get away with it and no one else gets hurt ..why is it that i cant see myself ever being truly truly happy and at peace with the world ...even though it seems like things are coming together for me..im graduating and have a job..ill be moving and in a way starting over some place else..anyone in there right mind would be happy with the way things are going but im not..not really..im way to scared..i keep looking for approval from other people to let me know if i can be happy even just for a little while..i told the other case workers today that i had a job and was getting ready to graduate and they said they were proud of me and that it was good ..and for a little while i was proud too..it was ok to be proud if it comes from someone else..its completely wrong if it just comes from me and it comes without any real reason..ive had a headache for the past few days..really bad today but i didnt ask to leave early even though i wanted too..i didnt take anything for it either until i got home and at times i just wanted to stop moving and cry my head hurt so much..and i dont know why it wont go a way..i took excedrin when i got home and it did help..still not feeling great overall..maybe im getting the flu or something and that would suck since i cant go to the hospital if im really sick..and with the semester pretty much over i cant start missing a million days..just my luck i will be sick..im just annoying accurate in the worst ways..i found out last week that i have to do a reflection paper..indepth and all that good stuff in the next couple weeks...since its due after thanksgiving and i keep trying to think of things that i want to write about and im not coming up with anything good..since its a self reflection i dont think it will be incredibly hard because writing is not a skill im lacking in if you could not count grammar..but the paper im not worried about i just cant think of anything to write..i dont really want to write a reflection of anything..im sick of reflections..i spend most of my days reflecting about something..just another way to analyze everything i try hard not to think about ..reflecting is not the problem..i reflect fine its harding it over thats the hard part..talking falls into that category too..im fine with writing most of the time even if it is a disorganized mess..jumbled up half thoughts that dont really make sense and the million and a half miss spelled words but its still my writing and whats in my head..and even if i never ever look at it again it will still be mine...maybe i should stop writing...never write another word again in my life about myself..stop digging myself into this huge hole of things ill never say but think about all the time..if i write it then obviously ive thought about it..and since i write about pretty much the same few things all the time ive given them a lot of thought..once its in writing its as good as said anyway..but its not like im lying i just picked to ignore what i write the same way ignore whats in my head...its not fair that i have to hate myself...im feeling really childish right this minute..i want to be mad but i have nothing to be mad at..i want to cry or scream or hit something but i just cant...and im considering just going to bed to escape everything right now...ive picked my fingers apart in the past couple days...dont know whats making me so nervous but the skin around most of my fingernails ive picked off..one started bleeding today in clinic when i was just sitting there picking and picking at it..completely intent on getting it off and i did and it completely started bleeding not alot but it makes me nervous knowing my hands are looking so horrible right now...they get infected so easily too...maybe i should put peroxide or something on them..bandaids are out because well i dont have any and because having bandaids on ilke 7 fingers might raise a few eyebrows..its hard not letting them get infected since im forever putting my hands in something ..but somehow it still hapens and for a couple days its hurts doing anything but i manage..tell myself im not complaining and it will be ok..sometimes i think the sadness will eat me alive..hiding seems like a good idea..going away..disappearing..all for the same reason..worried about disappointing people when truly im not sure any cares what i do or dont do as long as im not doing anything illegal..it cant be that hard to go away..i do it all the time without really doing it..no idea why things are suddenly looking incredibly dark and empty..empty and dark..maybe its just feeling alone i dont know..hard feeling like there is no where i really fit in...im not happy enough to fit in anywhere and if i get any sadder i might as well be dead..i could just fake the heck out of it..i do fake but since i spend so much time by myself i guess it doesnt matter..i want to go to bed for a lack of anythign else to do but im not sure i want to sleep..dreaming is bordering on being really creepy once again..and me and staying awake doesnt go together at all..i suck at not sleeping and i suck at sleeping..its been a while since ive done a 12 hour sleep..and im starting to drift off a lot guess im done with wahtever it is i was writing about for the day..