nothing

sometimes i think if i scream loud enough ill be noticed..if i scream at all i might be noticed.. i dont know..maybe i like not being noticed more..prolly not if i brought it up in the first place...feeling a little fuzzy right now..my fault for b/p..wasnt even planning on doing it...work was a fairly easy today..not much to do and it was fun having cindy back i n the office today..i will really miss the two of them when im not there anymore..the nurses were talking about going away gifts today..its really sad knowing ill be leaving..i dont want to leave and for some reason i had myself thinking everything would be perfect and i wouldnt have to leave..i could stay and keep things the way they were and nothing would have to change..im gonna go out on a limb here and say im not a big fan of changes either..im not a big fan of most stuff so it seems...but its really only a week and 3 days left..a bit closer to 4 weeks to graduation..its not looking fun or exciting at all..its scaring the heck out of me..why cant things change one at a time and not be grouped together..if i would look at it correctly i would notice there are weeks inbetween all of them but i keep doing the big picture thing and they all end up bunched together...everytime i think about it i want to cry but i dont.. i make myself think about other stuff instead but the other stuff doesnt really go away anyway if ive been stressing about it for like months...i dont know..not graduating isnt an option..and moving isnt an option anymore if i want to go back to taliworld..but im starting to doubt all of my choices..maybe there wrong ones to make and maybe i should make different ones...i dont know..i worked on my self reflection today and got incredibly sad when i started writing about the teachers that have influenced me.cas i do have two but talking about dr bass and prof dunn makes me remember the meeting i had to go to and how i never ever want to have to do that again..i was scared to death that day and the weekend before..and so upset with the two of them..but still its all over and done with and ive stuck with the contract thing for the most part..it still bothers me about the suicide part of it and i dont tell them anyway..i dont tell anyone so its not like they are being left out but i would really rather my teachers did not know i was suicidal ...way to weird and i jsut dont want them to know..i dont want anyone knowing really...and since its been a while since cutting my wrist im not incredibly worried at the moment..im still working on getting out both saturday and sunday so that maybe i wont end up feeling so alone..since i did b/p today im guessing i really dont need to be alone but since i am ill do something each day to get out of the house just for a little while..so tomorrow im talking myself into going to the movies..i really want to see flushed away since im waiting to see happy feet with riley and harris..i keep trying to talk myself out of it but i keep reminding myself that i really want to see it..so ill see how it goes tomorrow and i really do hope i let myself go...i finally figured out what it is that creeps me out so much at the hospital and its not the doctors like i thought it was..im fine with the doctors and residents..i dont mind them and the ones im used to i love talking to and being around..its the psychologist that creep me out..and im only around them a couple times a week at the least and i just always get so nervous and scared..i swear they are going to look at me and swear im crazy and that i have no need to be anywhere but im the hospital..i wear my sweatshirt all the time and not to cover my arms but because im so cold all the time.but as a second fact it is to cover my arms..and its not a secret that i walk around the hospital freezing and im truly cold there..i think im the only one feeling the air but its cold..and now that ive noticed its the psych ppl that creep me out i try hard not to be around them much but they are always so nice for the most part and that makes it worse..i know they really have no interest in me and they arent going to be working with me on a reg basis and it shouldnt matter so much but it does..

talked to nia last night and she said the doc she talked to yesterday was a jerk and that she wasnt suicidal..what a pair we have turned out to be..im taking her word for it that shes okay and ill be home next week and we will hang out or something then..still its hard not being home and getting a call like that...im worried ...im not feeling big on the liking myself these past few days..i stand in the mirror and tell myself that i hate you just incase i start to forget...more and more things are starting to bother me and get on my nerves and im feeling anxious without really knowing why..i was thinking of s/i'ing this morning..just to calm down and get a grip on things..im trying hard not too..binged instead but didnt do anything that hurt..how i do this weekend im trying not to think about..planning for tomorrow is enough...and even that plan has changed and changed and changed again.. i get so nervous because i cant park to save my life..on a good day i can make it in the space..more often than not i end up on the line and not fully in the parking space..its so nerve wrecking and i know it shoudlnt be a big deal but it is..like i have to prove im an ok driver..although a bit catious im ok..and since my car randomly cuts off on me anyway i really have to be paying attention to things..

went to bed at like 8 last night..slept all night too considering i had to be up at 6 and proly would have slept for longer than that if i could have..sleeping worked last night for keeping me from doing anything but i cant sleep 10 hours at a time either..i would really miss like most of my day..and i thought my sleeping was getting back to normal..but last night i wasnt really feeling good either..the weather is being stupid but at least its cold again