saying im confused is the story of my life..i live in a state of confusion that just kinda doesnt go away to often..but anyway...great news for today..i got my present from jenny and that really did make me feel better about things since i was really incredibly alone when i got home..and it was a nice surprise..i knew it was coming but i dont know time frames for getting mail from israel..but its here and so very cool...ill find something really cool to send her for christmas..gosh weve talked for a couple years now..maybe three..and of all places to find a friend it was on an ed board..and i was thinking of that earlier and for all the times i say i dont have an ed..doesnt take a genious to figure it out..we have talked about it more than once..and i always just forget it or misplace what i was told..but anyway talking with jenny is cool since she always manages to make me laugh when im feeling sad...
finished my presentation today..it was horrible but i did it..you could so tell i was nervous..for half a second i think i forgot how to talk i was so scared...but its over and done with..they got candy out of it for listening to me ramble for 30 mins..im not even sure anyone understood anything i was talking about..ugh and of course everyone was in class today!! but still its done..that was my last big assignment..im literally done with my work ..a few small things relating to my intern but otherwise its all done..what am i going to do ?! im going to lose my schedule soon and i dont want too..deep breath and skip this for now
so a lot of my confusion is of course coming from therapy today anyway..its taking me forever to process and save or throw away..funny i describe it like that..i have things i deem worth remembering and then there are things i ignore and half throw away until im asked about it again..but i just dont know anything right now..things are very very quickly going into things im not sure about..more than my usual things im not sure about..and i really am worried i will try to kill myself the way thigns keep changing on me..not cool really..i cant really pinpoint what is throwing me off so much right now..something is just yelling at me to notice it and some how im missing it ...maybe it will be clearer tomorrow..i did have my paintings with me but wimped out and didnt show them..but thats ok i guess..maybe another time..
yvonne didnt come back today so we didnt go to the store...disappointing and i was mad at her..i am mad at her and im trying hard not to be...even if it mattered i would tell her anyway..ill tell her that it doesnt matter and its not a big deal..when it was..i was looking forward to it all weekend and she didnt even come back..yea im feeling really important..anyway i went to the grocery store anyway and picked up a couple things the house needed..and now im not sure i even want to go back again..maybe ill not eat this week..i dont know
am i really trying? am i really doing anything at all? one thing was right i guess...im tired of all of this
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