now that im freaking out over my tv show i guess ive calmed down enough to write again..
guess it wouldnt take much to figure out im off tonight..not happy at all anymore..i just want to scream or something..but since thats just not gonna happen ill just rant and rave in my head and never have to worry about anyone hearing me..why cant things ever stay ok and just be good and leave me alone..after weeks of worrying and stressing and everything..i was finally feeling okay about everything even just for a little while was better than nothing..and i thought things would be ok and i dont know everything would just magically stay perfect..stupid mark number one for me..i talked to mommy today and reminded her that she promised to pay back the money she owed me so that i would be ok to pay the next months bills...of course i then find out that it might be happening like it was promised..what the heck am i supposed to do about money for bills..money for food..money for anything ..all because i gave her money i needed..and i gave it to her cas she said she would pay me back..she was suppsoed to pay me back..and im left being the stupid one...im left stuck without money because i was nice and didnt say no..im the freakin stupid one.. i knew better..i knew better and once again i did what i didnt want to do..and now i dont know what to do..younger brother needs money for school and he will come before me..darnit its because of me she is going on a trip for christmas..i paid for that plane ticket..i did it me..and i didnt ask for anything!! nothing .. im a stupid push over..im a slacker and a wimp and deserve all of this mixed up mess with no idea out of it..i dont want to go home on wed..i dont want to see her or be around her..but i have to go..if i dont babysit i wont be able to pay for anything at all..and even then ill have to go home everyweekend just to some how make ends meet...just feeling so stupid and worthless..ive done everything im supposed to do and i still get screwed over
im going to bed before i do anything stupid
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