a lot of thinking..choices to be made

i can safely say i will not be awake half the night tonight, im tired, really tired ..but i did wake up with a much clearer head today..looking a bit more forward to the future slightly..realizing that i have a choice in a lot of things and i dont have to do things i dont like or dont want to do..how has it been this long before i even begin to realize that i can say no to something and it is not the end of the world. but its ok..better late than never right.

actually working on a couple of job applications today. things cant change right..if i dont take the steps to make them change...there is a big big worry that well the thoughts will get bad enough staying at home that suicide will just keep looking better and better..so really needing to just do something about that..and if i know already that the job i have now doesnt pay enough to make that change possible then i have to look at other options..as scary as that is..but the worry and stress about money and being at home and two of the biggest issues right now and its just getting worse and the stress keeps my thoughts in a really negative cycle (wow did i actually just write that ) but when i was freaking out about it last week you know i just had to tell myself to stop it and calm down and think for a minute..i tend to ignore logic when im panicking big time..and it was like ok you know this is really easy to fix if you can stay calm and just focus a little bit..and the thoughts were right and made sense you know..obviously the money issue is the easiest thing to fix..and all it means is getting another job..hopefully one close enough to keep the t i have now..but if not then that will have to be dealt with later on..but for now its like ok what do you need to do type thinking..and i let it go all week and just didnt bother or think about it really and then today comes along and its like..ok time to work on those applications..sending them in is a step in the right direction..and if anything comes from it then that will be a good thing..(yes i am incredibly lucid today lol.its been a while )

today

feeling really sad and tired right now..maybe a nap will help but i dont think it will.

made it through the appt today

made it through the appt today. really didnt think i was going to go at all..until i actually made myself get out of the car and go inside and then i knew i would go through with it..talked to the nurse first and then to the other lady that my t had talked to..and i managed to answer all her questions..there were some i didnt want to answer and it took me a little while to get words out..but in the end i managed i think..worked very hard to not drift away..because then i wouldnt have been able to answer so well..didnt look at her or the nurse though :bag was way way to scared to do that and manage to keep talking at the same time..but managed and it didnt kill me although i was pretty positive that it would..and now im so tired..drained really..the stress of keeping myself together and being worried about going to see the lady today..and all the other weekly worries really threw me off this week..i have an appt to see the actual pdoc but its not until the 22nd..so i guess i have time to prepare a bit more..

having major space and no touching issues..and i really think it is because i am wanting a lot a lot and the only way to deal with it is to make sure there is absolutely no touching or anything..again back to the wanting comfort from all the scary thoughts/things this week.. its just really hard having to do all of this alone irl..and so i have all this extra stress and fears and general upset going on and cant say anything at all about it.. it is really tiring and wears on me..a lot

what does it feel like to not be suicidal ?

i realized today that i have no idea what that feels like :( after the lady i was talking to asked me about it..

i dont know what im doing

i will try to write this and stay completely focused.but im not sure ill be able too..

im tired..and it makes me mad that when i say im tired at work with one family, im asked what i have to be tired about..im sorry but for the few hours im with them twice aweek does not show anything at all about my schedule..if i say im tired then im tired..thats it..im not looking for a way to not be tired i was juts stating what i was feeling at the time..but anyway..tomorrow is the intake for the pdoc and im nervous...scared about it..worried really..and im trying to stay calm and not think about it..if i think about it the anxiety will get the best of me and i may not make it to the appt tommorrow without cutting or something..i keep thinking that tomorrow is the day ill be around the pills i took before and i want one..good grief i want one..but i wont take it because i dont know what it will do and i cant fall asleep while im driving or do something else that ends badly..that would be pretty stupid..but really i just want to the numb oblivion..i dont want to think about it at all..i dont want to even realize i have to go..but i know when the time comes i will show up because thats what i do..i would feel more guilty canceling or not showing..i know its something i have to try..and im trying to be ok with that..im feeling craizer than usual today..and i know tomorrow i will just be really off until i get there..the waiting and watching the clock is going to be really hard.. :( i dont know how to make myself feel better at all about going even if i know that it is something that could be a good thing..im afraid i will try to kill myself one of these days and if it can be prevented then that is a good thing..

and well nia is telling me that rob is most likely going to be going overseas and im sorry for her..sad for her ..because without rob she is stuck..and so i can see why she asked if i would consider moving in with her..or moving somewhere with her..but she isnt being as flexible as she could be..i asked her about moving to wilmington instead of wilson and she pretty much said no..and im not sure i want to be that far away from my therapist right now..i really dont..but im trying to stay open minded about it..because moving in with her really is a way out..without spending a lot of money..it would mean changing jobs..starting somewhere new..but not being alone either..but i dont think its fair either that she is so set on where she wants to go and i dont have that same option..im applying for a different job here and if i get it then i guess im not moving with her..but at the same time i told her i would keep my options open and still look for jobs in the area where she wants to go..because there are benefits to being up there and it is a bit cheaper to live of there and i would be closer to ecu again and my teachers there..

with everything that is going on the need to find a better paying job is being more and more of something that has to be done..ive tried so hard to make it work and its just not .. the more i try the more it seems that i come up with more bills..i need more money..its something..its always something else.and without babysitting i wouldnt have made it for as long as i have..and i will miss my ppl i work with..ill miss my job..but i just cant keep it for much longer and expect to keep things going..and so i have to really think about what i want right now..i have to figure out what im trying to do..because now that im adding on psychiatrist services and having to pay for those the lack of insurance is a big freaking neon sign right now..the fact that i have to pay out of pocket means that i cant see the doctor that i want to see..and would prefer to see..and its one of those issues where insurance would have just made it so much easier you know..im sorry but i dont have $200 just laying around waiting to be used for something..and then i have to go to driving school and pay court cost in a couple weeks and thats another chunk of money that i cant really afford to lose but i have no choice..im still stuck paying for the rental and its like thats all im working for right now..is covering the rental and letting all my other bills slip..theres just no way any of it is working right now and it makes me sad..and anxious..and nervous..and im trying..im working..im doing what im supposed to do and its still not enough..and i try you know..because of babysitting i cant take another part time job because babysitting really counts as a part time job and i do make enough so that its worth it..but even that isnt enough some weeks..i live week to week..day to day..wondering what can be put off or not paid for a little bit longer..and insurance and car payments and everything else i have to pay..all of it is weighing on me big time right now..and i dont know how to make any of it better..im tired of trying to really..when i freaked out about it all on monday or tuesday..i had to remind myself that money was probably one of the easiest problems to fix..if i could just focus enough to try to find another job..one with benefits..one that paid a steady salary..cas right this minute my paychecks really are a wait and see type thing..i know my hours..and each week they are different.my paychecks are a surprise each and every time i get paid..and that is probably not a good thing you know..each time its like playing a very careful game of figuring out how to pay bills and stay afloat just a little bit longer..but this is one thing that i can fix..or work on fixing..and it scares me..it really does..but the stress of not knowing and not being able to afford anything is worse..it really is.. :(

another weekend gone

things are hard...very hard right now..and im tired of everyone and just wanting to quit and stop doing anything..the weekend hasnt been to bad though, babysat a bit..hung out with nia and rob..did laundry..messed around with putting music on my ipod..cleaned..yeah that was the extent of my thrilling weekend i know..and tomorrow i really do need to get up and go to work on time..and i have to run a few errands before work..and i hope i stay focused tomorrow morning

.....

i have an intake appt next week to see the psychiatrist..linda called today to help me set it up..and so now at least the intake is set up..and i told her i would show up..but im not sure about the talking at all..but i know meds wont work if i dont tell them whats wrong..but im not sure i can.

im incredibly scared about it...should i freak out now or later? *sigh*

now though i know all of what ive been officially dx'ed with i guess and its weird..it was weird having linda talking about me even though i was sitting right in front of her and had given her permission..it makes me feel crazy to have to see the psychiatrist and the possibility of meds is scary..when i have so much trouble taking pills correctly..and im just worried i guess..scared to go alone..

not really sure lately

empty..i keep trying to figure out something to write, anything at all..and i cant get words for any of my thoughts..im really hoping i will be going to therapy today..and at the same time i dont want to go either..i remind myself that its ok to be in therapy and its ok to need help and its not the end of the world..the fear about it still creeps up on me at times..and then i still want it anyway..my head confuses me ..

trouble connecting to anything right now ..look at all of my stuff and wonder if its mine or why i bought it..i dont like any of it..

going to see nia and rob tonight im told..or i was told last night..mommy mentioned it to me last night to let me know i was going..and i asked her why..i still have no interest in going but it looks like i am..i dont want to go or be social or do anything..i want to stay home

i couldnt throw the razors away..tried..and couldnt get myself to let them go..how completely messed up is that one..

im still upset with my cl that i saw yesterday..it took every ounce of control i had to stop myself from just yelling at her..and im sorry but she just went way to far with her personal hygiene issues and its just gross and nasty now and i told her so..and she is going to get sick if she keeps it up..and shes just not getting it..and im not there to tell her every day to go and shower or change her underwear or any of that stuff..i only get to see her twice..and im sorry but at 22 she should be quite capable of making sure she is being clean when it comes to her period and what not..and she isnt and its just all around frustrating..

and i guess i should start trying to get myself together enough to make it to work..may leave early..i dont know..would think i need to ground myself a bit but i dont know how

hmmm

am feeling rather lost right now..was the same way yesterday for a while when i went to the store..just wandered around for a while because i didnt know what i was looking for or what i wanted..im sure when linda mentioned me not knowing what i wanted she didnt mean that..but i dont know..sad..worried..the usual..

dusti is having some issues and not using her litter box and its pissing mommy off and im waiting for her to tell me that dusti has to leave..but for now or well after today she is going to be exiled upstairs and not allowed downstairs anymore..which is better than mommy telling me that she has to be locked in my room..but i dont know what to do about it..i dont like that she has to be locked anywhere..and i know my options are pretty limited with it being home and well mommys house..and if she says dusti has to leave then i dont think there will be any way to get out of that..and i dont want her to go to the pound or anything like that..so i dont know for right now..im not sure i could manage at home without dusti..

still stuck with the rental

therapy yesterday ..ive been thinking a lot about...trying to come to some decision..any decision..and i need to work on not saying i dont know so much..but also i know linda is right in a lot of ways..the not talking and not looking at ppl will not do anything but make me more nervous with having a different job and being able to function like a normal person..i look at the jobs and stuff online for my state and there are some i want to apply for but at the same time i know im not ready..i cant deal with it..and i know ive thought of all of this before but now i guess im actually thinking about telling linda..shes right in that i participate as little as possible..even though to me it feels like im doing everything i can..but im not when i think about it..i think ive just started to like hearing her talk..and i know that if im quiet long enough she will ask a question or make some observation and then i get to listen..but its supposed to be about me..and i look at trying to fill the hour with stuff about me and it is overwhelming..but at the same time it is completely possible..i always have stuff in my head that i need/want to talk about.and its just getting stuck..and unfortunately..i wont be staying here forever..crap just thinking about being here for another year makes me queasy..but for now i think thats how it is just going to have to be..and i think ill be telling myself this a million times over the next few months..when things are hard and what not..i want to feel better..be better..be okay and believe it..i dont want to be working on all of this still years from now..i know it will take a while.but if i have any hope at all of growing up i suppose then i have to work on stuff now..while i have the chance..and the time..and it scares me..actually trying..harder than i am now anyway..talking..looking at her...and its interesting in that i think looking at her and talking to her will be the hardest thing out of all of it..fight my instinct of looking down and away and not saying what im thinking..

i realize that i dont know what to call any of it..so i guess im not accepting it either ..maybe thats the first step..accept it..give it a name..all of it..thinking in my head isnt getting me anything at all..but i dont think ive ever said it out loud either..

but the other part that is bothering me in a way..well not bothering really its more of just stuck in my head..is that all of it..a lot of what im struggling with is in the past..its already happened..it cant happen again...its not happening now..and it is incredibly straight forward..but you would think this was the first time i heard it..linda said it to me yesterday and it did get me to stop and think...and wonder how it is i never realized that..suddenly its a big deal kinda..and im not sure what to do with it..it is in the past..and its super hard talking about it..but its not going to start all over tomorrow..and it something was going on now then it would be my choice to leave..or stay..not anyone elses..and the issue with the whole trying meds thing..its my choice to do it or not..not mommys and i have to fight myself to not say anything to her about it...i think i just want to be comforted in all the mixed up feelings of not knowing what to do..but i also know that telling mommy would not in any way bring any type of comfort...she would make it worse..and i dont want to have to deal with that on top of everything else..im not doing anything wrong, im not lying..its just not her business or concern..its not about her..its about me and what i want..and i need to keep telling myself that until i believe it..

i guess ive just worried and worried and worried so much that im all done worrying ..about all of it..and i say that today and i know that tomorrow it will be something different..today i woke up thinking about the whole med thing with linda again and wondering what i want to do about it..she says that meds may help with the anxiety and depression and maybe make it easier for me to talk if those arent getting in the way as much..and that part of it i had never really considered..im normally completely against meds because just having them around is not a good thing but then linda already knows that too and i guess it can be worked around..seriously though seeing the pdoc is super expensive..and then trying to afford meds and what not..not good but i at least told linda she could ask the pdoc how much it would be to see her and what the sliding scale would be..and then we could go from there..if it can be worked out then ill consider it.linda said it if the pdoc was a possibility then i could go back to seeing her once a week to put money towards seeing the other lady for a while..and then linda can just help with monitoring the meds and stuff since she sees me ever week..and then i wont have to see the pdoc as often..but im nervous about seeing the other doc and having to do it by myself and talk to her..and im assuming ..or maybe im just hoping linda will talk to her and tell her before hand that i dont talk and wont look at her...but even if she does the nervousness will still be there..wonder if linda would go to the appt with me..but still i have to wait until tomorrow to find out more about that..and then i was thinking last night that i wanted linda to go to the appt with me but i know if she did i would want her to do all the talking and she cant..i have to talk still..and i have to talk..ive done it before but its just always so hard..and i keep thinking i have to stay in control..i have to do all this stuff..i have to stand up for myself and get what i need and stop being so scared..and i dont know if i can..she also mentioned that the meds may help with my focus and staying on task and stuff

like not telling linda what had me so upset the other week...i have to tell her and i was so close and then backed out of it yet again..i should tell her, i want to tell her, but i get scared and dont say anything..and its the same thing..linda is right..we get to a certain place again and again with talking and then i just stop completely and refuse to say anything else..i cant say anything else..and i cant even explain why i cant..it just makes me frustrated and upset that i cant do it..its not fair..i want to talk and i cant..now i want to talk and cant ..

feeling quiet

well i gave in and went and bought a small fan..its just way to hot in my room since i had to switch rooms and lost the ceiling fan..and even mommy has stopped complaining about me having the window open..its was in the 80s today and in the house the heat just gets stuck upstairs and so i was suffering big big time..and it is miserable and makes me really cranky being in the house when its so very hot..so now i have a small fan for the window and it feels so so soooo much better..aat least i wont melt into a puddle anytime soon.

something has made me break out big time..and i hate it..im not sure if its just the heat and its a rash or if its something ive been using on my face..or i dont know..so im hoping it goes away..and since its only on one side of my face im assuming ive just touched or laid on something and had a reaction or something..so i got some different face stuff for sensitive skin and a milder lotion to see if that helps any..

ended up going to babysit for a bit..and getting out of the house was good..a break..able to regroup and just chill out for a bit away from mommy..so am feeling a lot calmer now..and sleepy but thats just because its so late..

..sigh...

ive calmed down...no im not going to do anything drastic..have loads to think about from therapy today..but ill have to write more about that later on...still thinking big time about parts of today..

what am i going to do

somehow i need more money than im making..and now a random credit that i had years ago and never used because mmommy had it is suddenly calling and telling me i need to come up with a lot of money i dont have..and even letting them break it up into monthly payments has me freaked out..because i dont know how im going to get the money at all on top of everything else..and i cant ask mommy for the money because i know she doesnt have it..but im all wiped out completely..and where am i going to find an extra $300 a month..but i dont want this hanging over my head either for another 10 years ..i was under the impression that mommy had taken care of it already but that was wrong..and so now i wonder why my credit sucks and its because i let her talk me into getting all these credit cards and then she uses them.and then the balances are never paid off and so they just keep getting higher and higher and higher and now im looking at a huge balance and no way to pay it ..and no money..and i started thinking..about how ill make the extra money..and you know what has to be stopped for now..and i cant keep therapy anymore..i tried and tried and worked so hard to make sure i had the money to pay for therapy and i cant do it anymore now ..its like everything possible that can be canceled or let go has to be for now anyway ..because im not working enough to cover everything..and i still have the rental..and am waiting out the car stuff..and now i have court costs from today and driving school..and reg bills..and school loans and everything is piling up big time..and im trying and i guess im just not doing a good enough job keeping up with everything..i dont know how im going to manage at all..and its like suddenly things are back to where they were before..last year about this time when i lost a whole bunch of hours all at once..well this time i have the hours mostly but its just not enough..because if i add in all i use in gas and food money..its just too much..and i tried for so long and its all over with now..
and im not sure ill be ok at all..but it doesnt really matter..because somehow i guess ill manage..except managing by myself is not the same as managing with therapy..and since i got razors today..i guess it will just turn into a count down of sorts..see how long i can manage..how long it will take before i just dont care anymore
what else can even happen today?! im at my limit..beyond my limit for what i can safely handle..and now its all overwhelming and stressful and scary..and to make not having therapy in weeks even better..i get to go and see her today after forever and tell her that i cant come anymore..great..just great

tonight im just wondering ..wondering about what im doing and not doing..what i want to do..jobs and grad school and all of that..suddenly i dont want to go to grad school anymore..not now..suddenly im looking at and thinking about the year ahead of me at home and dreading it with every fiber of my being..after today....i wonder how much longer i can stick it out before giving up..because im not sure ill last much longer..without something changing..more and more lately i want my razors..i want to go to the store and buy some..and have them..i want to go and take pills from my sister because i learned that she has some good pain meds..that i of course dont need..i went to a substance abuse class the other night and it was interesting..learned some new things..got creeped out by the extremes ppl go through just for a high..and wonder if cutting served the same purposes..im tired of all the stress and worrying and not knowing what is going on..

you hide and hide and hide until you can no longer find yourself..thats what i was thinking tonight..

i dont know why though..just thoughts floating around in my head..jealously is really bigg right now..wanting what other ppl have and just set on wanting more..on wanting to be like everyone else..but how can i be like everyone else without being able to manage more than a few days at a time without feeling so very bad..heck some weeks im lucky to get two days together where i feel ok..more often than not im working with hourly changes in moods/thoughts/actions..

ive been thinking a lot lately about how im not telling linda the complete truth about a lot of things..simple things that she could help with..like focus and attention..and staying present..all things i have been having such trouble with lately..

i just want to leave..but again..no place i really want to go..

i shouldnt have come home

but where else do i have to go?

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.

just frustrated

i lost the info i needed for court this friday..and now i actually have to go to court because i couldnt get the info in ahead of time..i cant get another copy until tomorrow morning and by then it will be to late..and im so frustrated because i know i got the letter..i remember telling myself that i needed to put it away and not lose it..and what do i do??! lose the stupid thing and now i really do have to go to court and i dont want to do that either ...and i just feel stupid because i knew i needed it..i knew i needed to keep track of it..and still i manage to lose all of it..i h ave looked and looked through all of my mail and normally im really good about just putting it all together and leaving it..but for some reason that one letter i just cant find and its annoying me so much... and it just makes me want to scream..

im frustrated because there was no therapy today
because its hot and im cranky
i freaking hate spring and summer because its to hot
still no car and that is just adding on to all the frustrated feelings and now im thinking i wont even be able to get another car and then i will be stuck..and so no job for me fun..heck that will cut my bills in half ..but its yeah all of it is frustrating and im tired and my eye is hurting a lot and i dont know whats wrong with it this time..and everything seems to happen now..stupid stupid so very stupid for getting into that accident..everything is incredibly messed up right now..

wow

ive been uber depressing lately..i should do something about that..

but it wont be today

well

i guess ive officially started to study for the GRE...its funny cas before i mentioned it to linda i was dead set on not taking it and wanting to get out of it..but then as soon as she mentioned that you know there are schools where you dont need to take the GRE to apply..and its like duh how could i forget about that..but then once i was reminded of that and that option was there i suddenly wanted to take the GRE..my first pick for schools really is going back to ECU..and if i have to take the GRE in all of its stupidness then i will..and i found a couple of really interesting sites to use..one for learning more vocab..and one that has like bunches of practice tests and essays and all of that...and then there are a couple prep classes through the college that i can take online for 6 weeks each and its 90 a class and i dont think thats bad at all considering that online the preps and classes are like hundreds of dollars for only 3 or 4 days and stuff..and i think that by stretching it out over 3 months for me will keep the stress down...and i think ill plan to take it in aug..or september depending on when the july class will be over with..and then working in the vocab thing this morning..i realize i know a lot more words/definitions than i thought i did..but then im always playing scrabble and stuff online..and what not..so im not worried about the vocab part..its all the other parts lol!..

but i think i just need to focus on one thing at a time..because i say i want to go to grad school but then im looking for jobs randomly and not even applying and i need to quit doing that...if i apply to schools and dont get in then thats something else and ill go on from there..if i do apply and get in then well it looks like grad school..so i really do need to do one thing at a time..and be ok with it..instead of always worrying and wanting to do something different.

totally random picture

dusti sleeping on my rubber ducky blanket
:)

i dont know..

im okay..i mean surprisingly pretty ok considering the week ive had..and its confusing to me but i guess i should just be happy..but how can i be happy when its just so weird? i was seriously wanting to die like 2 days ago..and then yesterday i wake up and actually i dont know have purpose or something..and its so hard to deal with..the ups and downs at times..and today i wake up and still im ok..just tired..a tad but nervous and frustrated about other just daily stuff but still pretty ok you know..

hopefully ..really hopeful that the car stuff will be fixed soon..yep still in a rental and yep still pretty much broke ..if i can make it to my next pay check that will save me once again.but the guy called yesterday and said that they almost had all the info and approval stuff and so im just hoping...trying to hope that it will all turn out ok.

babysitting again today and im so upset with harris for having a friend over and then leaving him to go with a different friend..and even more upset with them all about there behaviors in the movie last night..ugh..im now reminded why i do not have kids..if i needed a reminder well thats it..but now i know i wont be taking 4 to the movies ever again..but its ok..the apologized later..and i just told them they were being royal pains..to keep it decent..cas i was thinking they were being royal asses but i would never tell them that..so now its two of them and one is going home this morning and so then it will just be me and riley..and he has the whole day planned out lol..so he told me yesterday..and so we are going to the movies and shopping and out for lunch and ice cream..and you have to admit the kid can plan a day lol..but with just him it will be fine because he i know wont go away from me for long...i told them (riley and harris) the last weekend when we were at the movies that i was leaving them because i got annoyed at them for some reason and riley can running back to get me and harris asked for the money and kept walking lol..as much as i love the two of them sometimes im just really glad i get to bring them home to there parents at the end of the day. so today should be a really low key day.

i still havent written linda about what went one on tues/wed/thursday..i emailed her something but it wasnt the entire thing and i could have written a lot more..but im just scared i guess..but i know i will have to write it at some point or tell her..and if those are my options then i would rather write it..but i know its important to at least tell her what happened and why..ive been thinking about it a lot..and even if i cant figure out how to really say it i know i can try..i keep reminding myself thats its not insight im lacking..its the ability to talk in words so someone else understands me..there are so many things i need to work on..and its so hard thinking about it all and feeling so small and insignificant in it..i dont know..i feel so lost in it all and well im not letting her help me..and i know it..and i just want to tear my hair out because i do know all of it..good grief ive thought about some things so much and talked the entire issue out and had insight and made annoyingly good comments to myself on it..and then i go to therapy and its like im the dumbest person ever because i dont seem to know anything and cant talk about it or give details or say anything..and im not stupid you know..i know im not stupid..but still its a struggle..i was thinking yesterday while i was lucid and in a good mood..seriously i started referring to yesterday as a lucid period..but anyway i was thinking that theres an entire world out there and i can do what i want..i was looking up sharing an apartment and stuff yesterday just for the fun of it..and it was interesting..i cant afford to do that now..but its an option you know.. i can do stuff if i manage to get past the fear..but i let the fear.anxiety stop me every time..again and again .. i stop myself..i dont know ..its just frustrating because there are the days when im ok and can think about the future..and then there are the days when im so not ok i dont even want to keep breathing..and there is no happy medium..its all or nothing..and i think that is the hard part for it..and writing that makes me wonder about bipolar again but i know thats not me..i can be really low but the highs arent manic..its just ok..but anyway..thats whats been rolling around in my head ..

and i was also thinking about why it is i wont apply for a different job..and its because im afraid ill actually get it..thats it..so simple right? no not really..

why?

so many questions in my head right now..i dont really now why ..yeah im really logical at times haha..

but just kinda thinking of what the why/reasoning is behind the things that we do..just in general you know..why bother cleaning a bedroom that no one will see? or why clean your car? why go to school? obviously that would not be a question to ask a 10 yr old! but just what is the drive behind actions i guess is what im wondering..why did i just spend 2 hours cleaning and what not for no real reason except to do it..except to hope that i did enough of a good job so that it will be acknowledged..for the love of all things good the freakin floors got scrubbed! but it doesnt matter..its just something i did..it will be glossed over forgotten, not noticed..and in a few days it will be as if it never happened..or mommy will find the one thing i forgot to do and make sure to point it out because thats how this works..and still i want an expect it to be different..expect something ..anything to make it worth the time and effort..i set myself up to be disappointed..again and again i get disappointed..and still i wait and hope and wish..and it doesnt change..so why do i do it ? why do i keep letting myself get hurt again and again and again?

ive been back and forth trying to write this..wanting to write but not having anything to say..very sad and just want to go back to bed, i dont want to talk to anyone or be around anyone and i dont want to go to work or go babysit after work because that means being around someone and eventually having to talk and i dont want to talk at all..i want to be quiet and sit still and not think.and not cry and i dont know what i want to do..today is not friday, it cant be friday twice..thats stupid and i keep thinking it is..im sick of everything..but way to sad to even care..i keep oversleeping the past 3 days..and then i get up and all i want is to turn around and go right back to bed because thats easy and doesnt take any thinking at all..somewhere in there thoughts are getting to be very bad and i should care shouldnt i? i mean like try to stop it or something?

a lot to process ..

im so so very mad and its directed at all the wrong people and i feel bad for that. actually its only directed at my therapist and i know im not mad at her..i just think i am and i know im mad..and frustrated ..and then it was my brillant idea to start thinking that some how this is all lindas fault except well thats not true..because its my fault and i know this but im trying to ignore it because i dont want to think about that..or acknowledge it or think about it..because once i start thinking about that then ill have to realize why its my fault in the first place..

all of this is stemming from the simple little fact that i went to therapy and left and didnt say what i really wanted to say. this happens an awful lot but today it was just worse some how and i left and got so upset..because it was like well how could i go and know i wasnt ok and not say anything?! nothing at all? but thats what i did..and then it made me even more upset because i was able to leave and make it seem like i was doing ok and linda didnt question me on it because i gave no reason for her to need to. because she had no reason to ask me..thats how it goes..im always ok, im always fine..and no one needs to know any different..except linda cant do anything, cant help if im not telling her..and then i get mad and think she doesnt care because she doesnt ask me..or question me..and it all gets so mixed up and confusing..i can the logic in it..i can see the illogical part of it too..and i cant do anything just yet to make it better..i dont know how to tell her..i dont know what to say to make it better..i dont know what to say..but i want it to be better..but i need the anger to wear off first..even misdirected its to much to deal with..because ive been thinking about it all day and its taken most of that time to figure out i was mad and even longer to figure out the why behind it..and all of it is hard to deal with..because its like standing there and discovering the complete and utter truth and having to deal with it all head on because theres just no where to hide anymore..all these months of being so careful, so controlled, so just perfect in some way and its all going to have to come crashing down..because i cant go and tell her all of this and expect things to stay the same..because what she has worked so hard to get me to do will happen and that is the scariest thing ever..because once the fight to stay in control is gone i dont know what will happen..and that is the part that has always scared me..i cant control myself if im there telling her all of this stuff..but this is one of those things that she needs to know..once i figure out how to write it to her..

just need to write

Mommy came home today, she was home when I got home from work. I wasn't excited or happy or anything, it was just something else that happened today. Not really something that needed any extra thought but I was still worried about it. I didn't realize that what I wanted her to do was at least acknowledge that I was here and when she didn't it just hurt. I was waiting for her to say something, anything at all to me, that would have been a good thing, ask how my day was or what I did while they were all gone and she didn't. She asked what I wanted for dinner and if I had drank her sodas and then left. When she got back she asked me if I had changed the cats litter box which of course I had, and that's it. I didn't even know what it was I wanted, I just know I didn't get it and it is disappointing, hard to deal with. All of it just makes me feel incredibly sad. Like I don't exist, I'm not important enough to be noticed, wanted, needed. It keeps getting drilled in, that I'm just not good enough and I never will be, and maybe that is why the thoughts of not wanting to eat are coming up. I just want to hurt and I cant cut again because that's off limits in some way, but the ED stuff we haven't talked about in therapy and I refuse to bring it up because its not that important. Its like if I don't talk about it then it doesn't exist yet, and so it is easier to hide, easier to convince myself that its ok to do it. That I will get away with it because its so easy to hide if no one is looking for it. I feel slightly guilty but at the same time I don't care. Way to sad to really care, I hate feeling all of this stuff, I don't want to want anything at all, I dont want to know that something is missing and keep looking for it in all the wrong places. How can it not bother me that somewhere in my head I am planning to die and nothing will stop it.

really mad

mad mad mad..the most illogical anger ever..its confusing..right now im ready to just pack up and leave and its over a reason that makes no sense really..i mean its not my house its mommys and so of course she will have final say on something like getting a pet..but being told no makes me so so so mad..and it shouldnt but it does and its frustrating..because at work today there was an abandoned kitten that is staying at one of my cls houses now..and it has to be bottle fed its so small and cries and i got to hold it and it climbed up my shirt..and i wanted it so much.i wanted it..i promised to never ask for anything ever again..begged and begged my sister to ask for me..and she told me mommy said no..that she was just getting mad cas i kept asking..i dont ask for anything and all i wanted was one little kitten and being told no was just unacceptable .. ok please ignore the craziness in this .. but this makes me upset enough to want to just leave..and go somewhere else..how is that?! almost nothing else gives me that same urge..but today..right now i dont care at all..because leaving means i can do what i want..and can get another kitten and no one can tell me no at all..and if they dont like it then no one can ever come to my house i wouldnt even care...and obviously acting now would not be a good idea at all ..but good grief

this is all ive asked for in forever and i guess its just upsetting me at being told no..i dont know

i dont care
at all

always wanting what i cant have

i want to write, but i don't know what to say..my thoughts keep returning to the same things and none of them are good..i spent an hour today talking myself out of taking pills..they weren't mine but i just happened to sit there and look up all the bottles until i knew what they were for..and i wanted them all..i wanted to have them..and i couldn't just let myself give in and take them..and bring them home..what would i do with them? once i had them? how is it that i still check the bottles at one of the places i work just to make sure the pills are still there..again not mine but so easily accessible..so easy to just get them and keep them..but i don't know why i want them still..yesterday i wondered if it would hurt to really crash my car thats not mine..wondered that more today while driving..i wondered about purging..just because it would hurt in the end..i wondered about going to the store and looking at all the razors and what not..i wonder about not eating, dieting, becoming vegetarian again..and the more i think about it the more it makes sense..i keep wondering about all this stuff..and wanting it..and then making myself suffer because i dont want it at the same time..because i know none of it is good..because i know it doesnt help in the long run..but in the moment i want it all..some where in all of that the thoughts of dying are starting to come back again..wanting things to stop, to go away, to just drift along for a while and not really do anything..i think i just want a way out..everything is losing interest again..i wake up in the morning and wonder why i have to even get out of bed..when i dont want to..and instead i waste time doing every thing but what im supposed to do..what i need to do..because i dont want to deal with any of it..because its all to hard and i dont even know why..

is it weird that i think of all of this..that i wonder and wonder and wonder and cant come up with what to do to make it stop..all the time all these questions go around and around in my head and i cant seem to make them stop..because i get so caught up in trying to find away around the rules...trying to find a way to be the center of attention, to be wanted and cared for and important..and that means doing something really really really stupid..and i know it would be a bad idea to let my thoughts and wants take over..to get stuck doing something i dont want to do..just to get to the end result which would mean being cared for..having concern..i think about before it happens and its all appealing and nice and comforting in some weird way..but i know that if it happened..and once i had it..then i wouldnt even want it anymore..i would hate it so so so much..but that doesnt make wanting it any easier

ive spent the weekend spending money i dont have to fill a craving ..a need..a want..that refuses to be filled..and i keep trying and all it does it make me sick..and im sorry in the end that i even tried..that i wasted the money on something that was so short lived..so in the moment and once its gone its gone..and im left still wanting more..always wanting more..

mommy comes back tomorrow..im not excited..im nervous..on edge..worried something will be messed up some how it will be my fault or something..already im wondering what i need to make sure is cleaned and put away before she gets home tomorrow..what do i need to remember to do and not forget about before i leave tomorrow to go to work..because if i screw up and dont do something then tomorrow will become just what my days usually are i guess..

it never ends

hmmm

im tired..but i think its more than that too..its more than just being tired but the only way to really describe it is to say that im tired..everything just feels really quiet and sort of not there i guess..im just in my own little isolated bubble i guess..

and i need to go back up to nias place and i just dont want to really..but i know i have to because i get to get the rest of my stuff that i shouldnt have left there..and im sure that once im out of the house i will feel more together..but the appeal to stay put and stay inside is slightly overwhelming..urgent .i dont know..i mean its easter and i dont know..just another day to get through i guess..maybe im just upset because last night laura told me i needed to go to church after i told her i wasnt going..and i dont care that she told me to go but its just i dont know weird i guess..my choice and all and im not going and have no intention of going any time in the near future either.but you would think i was going to go to hell or something for not going to church..but i dont like it..hmm maybe its not that i dont like it, its just that i dont believe it..no i dont know why its bothering me so much..

muddy thoughts

i keep thinking that something will happen. that suddenly there will be some grand epiphany and everything will be good and ill have what i want .. and it doesnt happen..i guess being at nias place is just making me really jealous and out of sorts..

and i wonder if im making the right choice, doing the right thing? is hoping that things will get better even enough? i dont know..i wonder why i even bother..i guess i do know why i bother ..but i dont want to think about it right now..the past few days i havent really been thinking about anything at all..the sadness is back and i keep trying to ignore it..hope that it will just go away and it does but it always comes back again..i dont want to think..maybe thats it..i cant ignore it if im thinking about it..and all ignoring does is disconnect me and i dont like that any better..time slows down, time speeds up, i stop and the world moves on around me and i cant do anything about it.i think doubt is just kicking my butt today..all i want to do is wonder what if..and feel horrible because it seems like everyone else is so pulled together and i cant even keep my weeks straight. but i know im doing the right thing even if it does mean being stuck at home for longer than i wanted..school is something no one can just disagree with..trying is better than just blowing it off and i do like school..i wonder if ill be able to manage..i wonder if ill get in..but im not wondering if ill fail again..and its only a couple years..and then who knows..maybe by then ill have my head together a bit more and things wont be so helplessly not okay..technically 3 years before i have to rejoin the real work world..from the way im looking at things now..but that means i have to figure out what im doing now..technically im working..and well theres therapy too..and after that theres babysitting...and of course wasting time..and somewhere in there i need to get it together enough to start studying for the gre..and maybe ill even plan to take it in august.and see how it goes..3 months or so to prepare..because i think the applications for next fall have to go out by like feb or something..i dont know...maybe i can afford a tutor or something..cas i think about the math section and it makes me not even want to bother..essh ..but if i have to do it than i want to try my hardest..

why am i feeling so sad..dejected..lost..alone..confused should be my middle name..

i actually made it the entire time without calling my therapist..i wonder if shes wondering what im up too lol..but i hope shes not worrying..

hmm i dont know what im rambling on about..

massive storms

there were huge storms last night..thunder, lightening, rain, wind, etc..it was pretty bad..and i had the window open when it woke me up and freaked me out..it lasted about 45 mins or so..and then moved on..i dont like storms very much..


i finally made it to nias place...and am just hanging out..wanting to take a nap lol..thats how entertaining i am..good grief..but im tired and worn out and i have no idea why..so just hanging out doing nothing..

wow thats all the news i have..

fun :)

so this is what i did at work today. :) talk about fun and entertaining! and so something i would never consider doing at home! but i went to work late as usual and my clients aunt was painting the living and she has been really sick so i volunteered to help..and i told her i was gonna write my name on the wall and she said ok..so i got to paint and then that turned into putting hand prints all over the walls and then i made a bunny (please note the absolutely awesome bunny in the left hand corner :P ) and then i wrote my name and then i painted over the entire thing and it was like it was never even there which was even better..and then i got paint all over the base board and the floor and she told me not to worry about it :) and once i painted it over it i told her you could still see all of my hand prints and that i would forever be a part of the wall lol..

really?!

surprise surprise

i haven't cut in a little over 3 months this time..

there was the one time after Christmas

but even counting that one its still only been once in like 7 or so months

never would have considered that happening at all! a bit shocking really because i hadn't given it much thought at all..and then today i was counting backwards and it was a lot more time than i thought it was..

today i feel a little bit proud of myself

the usual rambles

since im falling asleep im almost certain that this will not make very much sense..

im feeling strangely hopeful tonight, thinking about the future some..what i want to do..what i plan to do..what my goals are..etc..the only thing ive been so steady about lately is going back to school..but i tend to keep trying to gloss over the fact that it will be another year before that is even a real possibility .. another 8 or more months before i know for sure..and then things will have to change a bit..ill be able to move on..go off and do my own thing..but still there is that huge empty time frame..to deal with..and i know it is probably better..safer..to do what im doing now..although doing it now means ill have the next 3 years for therapy and what not..and good heavens i wonder what im thinking when i consider that..but i guess grad school will open up a lot more windows...i can apply anywhere really..but ill try nc first and then go from there..that means i have to start studying for the awful GRE..awful awful awful ugh
but oh well

and then after grad school, i can go anywhere, do anything, live anywhere, get away from here..away from everywhere..and just i dont know..live i guess..i keep thinking you know how there are the kids in high school who ar the loners and to make them feel better ppl tell them that there life just hasnt started yet, that they will blossom ( yep incredibly cheesy word i agree) later in life and will be happy..i keep thinking that for me thats how its happened..except i havent found my great life yet..im still looking for it..waiting for it..even possibly hoping for it..and it will happen it just has to happen..you know i guess as long as some shred of hope is still there then something will turn around..something will change..and things will not always seem like they are now..

i want a house
a family
love

saw some really pretty houses in a random neighborhood today and wondered what it took to get one..to be able to fill up an entire house with just belongings and personal stuff and make it this great space to be in..and it is slightly overwhelming..filling up space makes me nervous for some reason..i wonder if i even have enough stuff for a whole house..i have to much stuff for one room but so not enough for a house lol..

yeah just thinking about weird stuff tonight

feeling miserable

missing linda a lot right now..wanting to talk to her or just be around her and maybe mot actually talk to her..sad sad sad thoughts.mixing my days up big time..lots of backtracking, stopping and trying to remember ..i hate how confused im feeling right now

the most logical rant i will ever have

as i was driving along talking to myself as usual because things with mommy have just bothered me so much today..and just out of no where i thought, clear as day that i will not be controlled..and i thought it and even managed to finish the entire sentence out loud although it took a couple tries because i was so shocked that i had even thought it. i mean on a reg normal day any number of random thoughts go through my head, some good, some bad..but it has never been that straight forward..that simple and straight to the point..never..and i think i was just feeling a little upset at the time, anxious, completely pissed off i dont know anymore..but it was just so unexpected and i dont know yet what im thinking about it now..

i think im a little bit leary of the entire thing because i know its true..because i know i am so easily controlled by mommy, because i cant seem to stick to no with her and get away with it..because there are so many little things that keep me locked in this constant battle with her..and today she was mentioning what i needed to stop eating and what i should be doing yet again..and it bothers me because its like she is poking and pushing on the part of me that thrives to be good and do what she wants..to count cals and not eat like it was a job or something..and im worried because it took a lot of work to stop the purging..to stop counting calories and not eating and everything else i was doing for years..and still the thoughts come and go..and its like..it feels like mommy is doing everything she possibly can to make me go back to it and no she may not even know what it is exactly that she is doing..but the end result will be the same..push long enough and i guess you get what you want..but that comes at an incredibly high price..because going back to that means dealing with all the thoughts centered around being perfect, being special, being noticed..and the end result has always been dying .. being perfect at all costs..giving up everything to be exactly what im expected to be..and i was always so comfortable thinking i would do that..and i would die..nothing else made any sense..nothing else could stop that thinking or stop the wanting it..now its not so completely set in stone and i guess thats the part that worries me..

im worried about who will end up with the control in all of this..what will happen..will i end up making a horribly wrong decision for no good reason..but what i thought was right..someone has to have control..but i guess the million dollar question is asking who will get it?..

not calm at all

i tell myself to calm down, to sit quietly, to be still and just wait and that it will be okay..and nothing helps..not really..im already thinking about tomorrow and just the small fact that there is no therapy..and once i make it through tomorrow ill think about friday and no therapy and im sure by wednesday ill be completely freaked out. i did tell linda i would last a couple days into the week..i would say that was fair warning and i would think i at least knew myself enough to know i would freak..and that i was worried about the uninterrupted alone time throughout the wweek..later in the week will be worse really and the weekend..you know four days without ..maybe a couple more than that because ive forgotten when they are coming back..but you would think i would be thrilled..overly excited..calmer ..anything..and im not..not really..mostly i just dont care..i know i have to work through friday and then im not sure anymore..the kids arent back until sunday and im sure i wont be seeing them before next week..and so it will just be time..way to much time on my hands and no distractions..i have the weekend to do whatever i want..and i cant think of anything to do..i almost convinced myself to go and visit nia but stupid me forget at that time that she was going with mommy and i cant go to there place..and i cant go to va because i cant afford it ..and so im just stuck at home..and i dont want to be here at all really..i mean i guess ill manage as always but ..the worry is still there

.....

am i doing something wrong? coming and hanging out at the kids i babysit house? god why does mommy have to ruin everything..make me doubt what im doing..when i know its ok..good grief im always over here but she always makes it seem like im doing something wrong..or bad or something..and its not like that..im invited to come and hang out..i had already talked to there mom and she was more than happy to let me stay..but then mommy calls looking for me and its like im not at home and i should be and i think she is so very jealous that i prefer to be any where thats not at home and its not even like im doing anything ..good grief..
it was a good day..
but doubt..worry..nervousness..just makes it all not okay again

a night full of thinking

"The self you invent, the self you live by, that is the self who is important. you are who you choose to be"
pg 259 locked inside

i read that tonight in a book and felt the need to copy it and keep it..but i also read it and reread it and it makes me feel angry a bit..i guess maybe because it seems like it would be so easy..so straightforward..you know what you want and then you just go after it..but its not that easy..and i dont know how or why it isnt..i mean i guess its just not the same to grow up and have everything handed to you all nice and dealt with..no trying needed or involved...it makes it more worth it to have to work for it..to have to want it ..to just want something so so much you are willing to do everything for it..its so easy to get caught up in what everyone wants..in what you should want ..how you should be..and its hard to stand out, to be yourself, to want to be yourself in a world where thats not really encouraged..where you learn at a young age to just be like everyone else..to fade into the background..to just be there and if you manage to do something good..to make some difference .then you are just lucky somehow..or you did something wrong to gain that success...why succeed or try or do anything when there is always someone there to tell you that you are wrong, or stupid or not trying hard enough..it doesnt make sense to me..i wish i could say that i knew with most certainty who i was and what i wanted out of life..what my goal was..what i want to just work for..and i know all the expected answers..i know that if i say im going to change the world that is enough..no one wants to know why though.no one cares enough to ask why and if on a whim someone did ask im not even sure i would have an answer for them..it is just so easy to go with the flow, to just get by..and getting by isnt enough anymore you know..i want more out of life than just to get by..and maybe thats what this whole thing has been about..ive tried for a year to figure out what i want out of life and i dont think im any closer to coming up with a brilliant answer..and im not ok with that at all..it makes me feel like im not doing anything to just live and breath and some how manage to make it through the day without trying to kill myself..the fact that i want to kill myself most days should concern me more than it does..but the thoughts have been there so much that it doesnt matter anymore..im not sure what the final push will be but i guess ill find out some day..but it wont be today or tomorrow or next week..it may be years from now..i dont know but i dont want to think about that either..i want to think about now, the present, and i cant even do that because i cant seem to stay present..i cant stay with myself through out the day and that makes me feel incredibly nervous and on edge because its not ok to do it i guess..because somehow its become the easy way out of dealing with everything that i dont like..its how i manage to be at home and stay there and still strive to be the good obedient kid..not a good obedient adult.. because suddenly nothing is completely clear anymore..and maybe that is why i have felt so quiet lately..well since friday..its like i have to come to terms with something i have known for a while..and just refused to really admit to myself..you know yep its completely ok to have a conversation with yourself ..of course your not crazy..blah blah blah .. linda didnt call me crazy though..im not sure if i really asked either..but maybe thats a question i dont need answered on top of everything else..maybe there is a way to find something better, to stay more present, to want to be here as linda likes to tell me now..coping or no i need to stay ..and im not sure i really like that..what will happen when i reach the day where i am able to deal with stuff as it comes ..and not freak out..and not do anything.and be ok and feel and not get stuck in a bad pattern of thoughts..im sure it will take quite a bit of time to reach that point but there are so many questions..always questions and never enough answers

festival time

today has been super busy..and im worn out now..tired completely and hurting some but i ended up agreeing to go downtown because its azalea festival weekend and theres a parade (which we missed), and concerts, and different shows and stuff..and then theres a huge downtown part with vendors and food and entertainment (bands, dance groups, music, etc) and it goes from friday to sunday and its well huge...the main girl from slumdog millionaire was the azalea festival queen this year..and the concerts where american idol ppl..for those interested lol..it didnt make me excited or anything but i figured i would share ..but anyhoo i hadnt planned on going because its just so crowded down there and in the middle of the day when its so hot outside and theres no shade it just wears on you pretty fast..and all the ppl are pushing and trying to get by, and the ppl with strollers are the worst and its hard to walk with out being run over by someone else..and its not really always on purpose but still its hard ..and i dont like crowds or to many ppl and hadnt planned on going at all..but mommy became rather insistent and i was the only one not going and everyone would be there and blah blah blah..so i agreed to go..and it was ok just tiring..and there was a huge pirate ship and you could even go in it and look around but got to scared to do that and so just stood off and bit and watched all the ppl on the ship but it was a really nice ship even if it was for pirates ..and saw some ppl that i hadnt seen since i left for college, just from the old dance studios, the instructors and stuff..and hung out with my sister and her husband and there friends ..and that was ok..walked around a lot and watched some of the dance groups, and ate lol..and now it feels like ive been busy for days and all i want to do is sleep lol..my sister and her friend invited me to go hang out with them tonight..and i would have gone but i got home and it was like nope not going anywhere at all..if my sister had come back home then she most likely could have talked me into going back out .. but she didnt and so i got home and it was like no..all my socialness for the day has been used up..but i mean it was nice to get out a bit..and it really surprised me when mommy said she was glad i was going to go out tonight with ppl my own age :wow that would have been the last thing i ever would expect to here from her..and im not going anywhere but her just mentioning that makes me wonder how much its noticed that i dont really go anywhere out side of working and stuff

what is bothering me?

issues with my car and not having one are really starting to worry me a lot and it makes it worse to be told constantly not to worry..how can i not worry when im just about out of money completely and cant keep the stupid rental any more..and all the waiting and waiting and waiting and still nothing and its been three weeks now..and finally today im supposed to be getting a call about the banks financing for another car and everything..and i know i cant be mad at them because well they are stuck waiting to and im sure they were going as fast as they possible could with mommy calling them a million times a day..and then she is telling me about what car i should get..and shouldnt lower myself and just settle for a car..and its like ok well i told you what i want..blah blah blah..later she tells me that they are asking about a different car because there is a sale going on and some type and its like ok i can go and look at it..not big deal..and as soon as i mention that she is yelling about how i cant just settle for anything and they have to work to get the car i want and on and on ...and yesterday she had the nerve to tell me that she saw the car the car ppl were asking about and thought it was a cute car and that you know if i needed a car and didnt have the money then i should consider going and seeing about the car i was being offered..when i mentioned you know not having the money to keep the rental it wasnt a big deal, im told not to worry, when i mention just getting a car because i need to stop paying for the rental again im told not to worry, not to just settle for anything...but she bring up the possible car and how nice it looks and suddenly its perfectly ok to settle for a car..how does that even make sense? if i knew it was going to turn out like this i shouldnt have bothered saying anything at all because i should have figured she would have last say..

ive noticed it more lately i guess..how mommy will ask me something..my opinion or what i want to do, or where i want to go out to..and if i say i dont care she will keep asking until i come up with some place..and then as soon as i give a place or say something i want to do..then she immediately tells me that i dont want to do that..that i dont want to go there, that i want whatever it is she is naming..and its just hard..because it makes me wonder you know if i even know what i want because obviously mommy is going to tell me ..why do i bother to think or do anything because it will just never work and it will always just end up with me not doing what i want to do anyway..why do anything if im not going to be listened to? why bother at all if it doesnt matter and ill be overruled or something

pulling apart

why is it so easy to get upset, start freaking out, going overboard with everything when i know that if i could just calm down it wouldnt be so bad..but even just mentioning calm down makes me so very angry..and i end up doing the opposite of calming down..i dont want to be calm..i want to scream and cry and break something..the sound of breaking glass is really appealing right now and its also something i know cant be done..how about i just go to the store and start dumping stuff on the floor just to hear it..i kinda want the little spikey ball thats in my car..that is pretty good with grounding..and im so flighty right now im wondering how i havent managed to jump out of my skin yet...im to cold and shivering but i dont like the feel of having anything on me currently..and well walking around with no clothes on isnt all that interesting..but i think i need to change..and this doesnt make any sense at all..

new addiction

playing farmtown on facebook..holy cow! its awesome and fun..and currently my farm is really very sad and poor lol..

thinking

why do i doubt myself? you would think i would be the one person who would believe myself and stick to my story and what i know..i want to do that but i dont..i cant..its like watching a movie except right when you get to anything big, theres nothing there..its so annoying and frustrating because then it just keeps moving along except the parts that are missing dont come in later..you cant guess as to what they were..or why they arent there..its just theres one thing and then theres nothing..and then it picks up again..all the implied parts are there..i was born..i went to school..i was good..and so on..but its all the little pieces no one else would care to notice that are gone..the birthday parties, growing up, actually being in school, doing stuff with the family, going on trips, visiting nc, moving numerous times..all things i should remember and i dont..i know it wouldnt be a minute by minute recalling of everything but happened..but just a sense that it happened would be good..would be more comforting..instead its like i just kinda woke up a bit more after high school i guess..but then i was to paranoid to really be much good..and i guess that now its evened out a bit..i can think more rationally..not freak out about everything..but still a lot of the same stuff comes up..its all still there but its just different now..

i think its all about control..i cant stay in control of myself if im going and talking about all this stuff..i have to remind myself that i can never not have control..i have to make sure everything stays in some order that im not always completely aware of..and maybe thats why the repetitive stuff is so comforting..i know what to expect..i know what im supposed to do..i can tell you everything i have to do each week before it gets here..i know my entire schedule..the layout and how its supposed to go..im certain that ill stick to it and then i wont forget anything at all..but then the actual week gets here and suddenly im not so sure anymore.no matter how many times i write it down or remind myself or look at a calendar i still manage to doubt what im going to do...its the same thing almost every week..same cls ..same times..same everything..within reason..and i cant seem to manage some weeks..and its not as if im going to (losing train of thought..not sure why)

i took a break from writing this and started thinking about protecting and what was going on and not talking..and ive come to the conclusion that im trying to protect my therapist..from myself..if i dont say anything then obviously there is nothing for her to do anything about or to think badly about or be mad at me..or any other way ive manage to work it out in my head..and i cant say it makes much sense at all because i know she if fully capable of taking care of herself..and doesnt need me to make sure she is safe i guess..but i dont know..i dont think im making very much sense lately ..i want to email her or talk to her or something..but im not sure of what i want to tell her..i think its just the simple fact of wanting her that is bothering me so much lately..want..need..back and forth..i should be able to take care of myself and i cant..well i can.but im not great at it and lag big time..and all this other stuff and its just hard and scary and i dont want to want her or need to talk to her a million times a week..because its just barely 3 days between sessions and how can i just fall apart in three days? and i think im worried about the scale thing i took..and i know it doesnt matter what the results of it is..because i cant say it will really change anything..it just gives it a logical name..and i dont want that either..i dont want to be classified as anything..not realy sure i want to be classified as anyone either but thats a different issue..i thought i was getting better at staying ok..but i guess i was just getting better at not realizing i wasnt ok..not a good thing to do...ive changed my mind.i dont want to know anything at all..

today i just wonder why any of it happened at all..

i dont even get why this is bothering me so much right now..or why i hadnt thought of any of it before

struggling today

im not sure why...its such a nice day outside..and im thinking and rethinking about why i never said anything..why i kept my silence and expected things to be better..i guess on some level i just knew that telling would cause more trouble..you know .. i was the one that had to go back home, not whoever i happened to tell..i would have to deal with all that happened not them..how you you want help and at the same time hate it? how does it make sense that help would have just made things worse..it was one of those times when i guess you just kinda know..its better to just stay quiet and hope it gets better...and yet i was still the one who just had to open my big mouth..just for it to be investigated and nothing turns up..the guilt is worse than anything else..knowing it was my fault everything gets messed up and keeps getting messed up..the only better thing now is that there are no more kids at home and so there is nothing that can involve social services anymore..now everyone is old enough to make there own choices..and im the only one in therapy..makes me wonder a lot..younger sister was in and out of the hospital a bit for about a year for suicidal tendencies and what not..but i guess shes better now...and she did therapy for a while but thats stopped too..am i really the only one that just cant deal with it? maybe i was to sensitive? maybe im just looking at it differently and some how seeing it differently? i dont know..:( .its hard..makes me wonder if im crazy or really losing it because its like i need so much to just get through the day and they are all managing some how...maybe it just makes me feel weak in some way..like im not strong enough to last through it..i wasnt strong enough..they all have there lives and i dont seem to be doing anything at all...

im just sorry

i guess its possible to make a list of things im sorry for, well i guess anyone could make a list like that but it would be a waste of time...today im just sorry in general about everything i could possibly be sorry about and then a few things that most likely would make no sense at all..like im sorry im so horrible, im sorry for breathing..although i realized maybe that is why i always have to remind myself to breathe correctly when im really freaking out..i just start holding my breath and thats prolly not a good idea you know...yesterday was a miserable day and the urge to cut was really strong, maybe it was the urge to hurt that i was after and so i ended up wanting to cut..but i didnt..nothing to cut with and my days of breaking apart shaving things are long gone..those never worked as well anyway..but i guess since thats making me think of a lot of different thingsand just making me want it, then the urge to cut is still there and still a bit strong..yesterday i just ended up being really quiet..there was no point in talking or trying or anything really. mommy said what she wanted and made sure i knew that i was completely horrible and lazy i guess..but then as soon as she needed me to do something online for her she had nothing at all to say to me about anything..but once that was done then it was back to what it was before..and it made me upset enough to really wonder why i was staying, why i didnt just take all of my stuff and dusti and just leave..its a stupid stupid idea to stay here, just in general it is..im just setting myself up to fail big time at everything..i want a way out, one that i like and can deal with and i havent found one yet..i could try for grad school next year but i think about that huge span of time between now and then and it makes me nervous..i could find a job, a different one and move somewhere else, i could go to va, i could stop therapy, which is what would happen if i moved..i could do an awful lot of things..and none of them are anything that i really want..and i dont know why..i cant seem to get very far past wanting to just leave..and its not even classified as running away since i have a car and money (sometimes) and can do what i want..and instead im as trapped here as ive ever been and i dont know how to make it better..i currently feel like i have no control over my life at all..but i guess i do..since i can still decide what i do and when and all of that..it just feels like there is no control, no balance, no anything, and all of it is just confusing..i cant deal with my life anymore..maybee i could nevere deal with it and just got really good at ignoring it..maybe thats why i am so intent lately on just playing computer games, because they involve no thought at all, they are repeatative and stop me from thinking about my life..i am in complete control of something thats not real and that is comforting in some way..i dont like or want my life..and i dont know what to do about it..everyone else is happy and having fun and i wonder whats wrong with me? how come i end up choosing to just not really exist .. when i was answering all of those questions in therapy the other day, i really did start to wonder a lot about some of the things i write about..you know maybe its not ok that i can make everything feel like its not there, or dull myself out completely, or shut off what im feeling..i dont know what im doing..maybe its just that because i cant see what i want my life to be like..i can barely see myself making it through the day without doing anything incredibly stupid..doesnt help that i can forget my day just as fast..nothing is interesting anymore, but im just set in some routine that cant be broken..i know what im supposed to do and that is enough to make sure i leave the house during the day..during the week, there is structure of some sort..but then the weekends come and im left to my own devices and im at a loss as to what to do with myself ..most of the time i dont want to do anything at all anyway..most of the time i juts want to stay in bed or stare at the ceiling..sometimes i want to just go out and do something but the motivation to put energy into it is most always lacking..and without yvonne being so close i cant even go and waste time at her place anymore..im slightly worried about being alone for easter weekend..everyone is going out of town and ill be left here..with nothing to do..and i think about that huge span of time and wonder what i could get away with doing and thats not good..everyone picks to go out of town at the same time..no mommy is good, no demands will be nice, almost no expectations..for a few days..but ill be by myself..with nothing to do, and no where to go..and its not like my thoughts have been in the greatest place lately..what i want i cant have..im trying not to even think about what i want because i realized that while writing this that im feeling a bit on edge..im not sleeping good again, i want the pills back, i want my razors back, i just want something to make it all just stop

hmm

messing around with my blog again. i think its pretty :) :) and so very purple lol. my therapist would find it funny !

today is just not a good day at all

" I know how to disappear. I know that i can close my eyes and curl myself up into my mind where its dark and i am alone but not alone. my numbed body could unattach its self from the earth and float away and it wouldn't matter. i can just disconnect myself from my body and my body will disconnect its self from the earth."


from p225 Skin

therapy and figuring things out..sorta

so therapy was today. that's nothing new..this week has been pretty bad with all the confusion i guess in my head.. and we talked about it a bit more in therapy since i had emailed her..and im sure i lost all sense when i did that! good grief..i thought i was going to be sick waiting for therapy today because i was so nervous and just freaking out because i knew that she knew a bit of what was going on..so managed to talk about it some..and still managed to take forever ..but talked..and then she was talking to me about this scale thing for dissociation and asked if i would agree to do it..and i said it would be ok and the questioned just really made me stop and think..it was only 28 questions but i spent so much time thinking about them that it felt like so many more..and some were really hard to have to answer..where as the questions were in a more generalized sense but still i didnt realize how often i do some things..how forgetful i am..or how i dont remember places or people or things ive said or done, or how i can get so caught up in movies or books and just forget about everything else..and not remembering being a kid..and some of the questions made me a bit nervous..and some where just kinda funny..like being asked how often i talk to my self..i do that all the time and ..well i do it all the time when im alone..and i have to stop myself from being so noticeable with it when im like walking to my car or something..but i have entire conversations with myself..all the time..in the car, at home, at work, walking to my car, etc and so on..silly me thought that it wasnt a big deal or anything..and im guessing the connections are just being made now..but the whole seeming normal thing is quickly just kinda dwindling away..but just for as much as i talk to myself..you would think i had tons to say..i do say a lot, i never shut up when im rambling on to myself..but get me in a room with someone, practically anyone and i wont say a word..go figure .. we didnt finish the scale thing today..got it mostly finished but i skipped some and so have to go back and answer those and the last bit and then i guess she will tell me what the verdict is..wonder if ill be just like labeled crazy or un-helpable and then just pushed out the door or something..

movies..triggers..feelings

i do it on purpose sometimes...watch things that i know will upset me..read books that i know make me so antsy i cant sit still..listen to music that depresses me..and i do it because of the reaction..because then i know ill feel something..good/bad/horrible..whatever it may be ill have it and then i wont feel so numbed out..i was well on my way to just nothingness..but if im upset then i have to be aware of why or whats causing it..and so i have to just stay present i guess..but then now all the little annoyances are coming up again..and its a pain..4 times today ive had to really think and pay attention to remember what say it was..more times than i can count ive wondered if im doing what im supposed to be doing, if im working with the right client because im not sure..how upsetting is it that i cant even keep track of my own schedule it seems?! the worrying drives me crazy when i know im right and just cant seem to remember it..cant remember why i know im right and it still just doesnt feel like i am..

last night i watched a movie i really didnt need to watch and it brought up so many questions/thoughts about society and child abuse and how no one 'sees' anything at all until its to late..in the movie i watched last night..the girl died..so many ppl knew though, so many people could have saved her, stopped it, but after she was dead and it all suddenly came out ..everyone wanted to point fingers and blame someone else..no one knew what to do to help her..everyone who was in on it just watched her die and swore they were only doing what they were supposed to do..am i the only one who sees the wrongness in all of that..the wrongness in the entire movie and i watched it and wondered what in the heck people were thinking..why was is ok until something bad happened and someone ended up dead..it makes me disappointed ...it was a true story and that makes it even worse in some way...its not just a story line that was written, it wasnt just someone gets hurt and then they are saved and everything is ok..it was a reminder that not everything has a happy ending..not everyone is saved, or manages to make it until they are old enough to leave..sometimes its the simple questions like wondering how a parent can choose someone else over there kids..bastard out of carolina is a good one if your contemplating that one..but if you can make it through all the abuse that goes on that is..incredibly umm detailed in that movie..i watch all this stuff and it makes me so mad..so angry and upset and just sad..

how is it that in a family as big as mine there was no one to step in and put a stop to anything..no one did anything to help..i cant say i was really very verbal with asking because that would have been wrong..but still no one saw anything..but everyone could tell me i should be happy and grateful...i should be happy to be so lucky..to get to do so many things..but i never wanted all the material stuff..crap i know im incredibly materialistic..i always want something bigger or better, i just always want more..i should be happy with what i have..i wish i could be happier with what i have and im not..i like buying stuff, i like wasting money on stuff i dont need at all just because i want it, just because i happen to see it and as im looking at it and arguing with myself over whether to buy it or not, i know i dont need it or even really want it..but at the same time i just have to have it..i need it to fill so void i guess..some part of me that thinks that the more stuff i have the happier ill be..and yea there is a happiness involved but it is always short lived..i will wake up from the enjoyment eventually and realize i just spent a lot of money that could have gone to something else..thats how mommy works..when all else fails she bribes .. offers something that guilt just has no part in..bribing works so much faster..give me what i want..and im a bit more willing to cave..sometimes i dont want to, sometimes i do..its one of those things that i just know is happening and theres not enough will i guess to refuse..its easier to just accept it whatever it may be and just move on..sometimes i end up feeling guilty for being so easily bribed..as always though theres something missing....i dont know..i talk to mommy on the phone a lot during the day, every day..and for as much emotion and focus that i put into the conversation i could have been talking to anyone..most likely someone i didnt know at all..geez i put more energy and effort into sending a text message..but i talk to mommy and just zone out almost completely..i can make it through an entire conversation and say nothing but yes or no before im hung up on...i am most certain that i didnt want mommys attention, i dont want it now..i talk to her about as much as i can get away with and most of that has to be forced out..because otherwise i would sit in silence and not say a word to her at all..im pretty sure that if she could get away with it she would read my mail..

mommy is mad at me..you know how someone is just pissed off at you and just wont come right out and say it..but she is..and i know this because now nia is asked to look up info for mommys next trip out of town instead of me..if im not being used then i know she is royally mad at me..and i shouldnt care at all..but then once again i get compared..because nia can do it better, because nia does this, this and this and why cant i..and why do i always have to be so mean and whats wrong with me..so no i shouldnt care..but that doesnt make the hurt lessen any at all..there's always someone better..theres always someone i need to strive to be..i dont try hard enough..and it just goes on and on..i try hard to not listen at times but then that just means ive wandered off in my head somewhere and am not really focused on whats going on anymore..

all of it just makes me tired..
im tired of thinking, im tired of my head, im tired of where my thoughts get stuck and seem to play on repeat, im tired of all of it

maybe ...

i need to consider grad school again
a bit more seriously this time

today has been rather dull and boring and i have to admit that its been an ok if not boring day...and wow i think i forgot what i was trying to say.

played sims 2 for most of the day ..watched tv..read..the usual slow day stuff..and now i am really tired.. was up past 2am last night..and tonight time tired big time

whats new

i feel aimless again..slightly lost and just drifting along with nothing holding me..wondering if ill magically find the right decision to make and that everything will be laid out in front of me so perfectly..without effort or thought or anything..its just there waiting for me to find it..and its almost like i keep walking right by it and just cant see it or figure it out and i just keep missing whatever the opportunity may be..i do that with therapy to, stare at the window and just wait for the words that i want to say to magically appear and to make sense and to not feel so out of it..i guess..and i keep waiting and waiting and waiting and you know..you would think i would catch on to the fact that it doesnt work like that at all..it makes me feel hopeless .. all of it..i want it to be better but idont want to deal with bringing anything bad or hurtful up..but pushing it all away just makes me tired now..its like ive given up again..or im getting pretty close to giving up again..and thats not a good place to be..once you run out of the motivation to just keep yourself alive then what is left exactly?

truth vs lies online

how is it possible to watch someone just fall apart all at once and not be able to do anything at all to stop it..i know that meeting people online and forming a relationship is not the same thing as meeting someone you work with and being friends that way..and meeting someone on a board about cutting/drugs/abuse/etc..whatever it may be adds on a completely different complex and makes it that much harder..and i know with online and all of that you kinda have to follow your gut and you know believe what you can..and just leave alone what you cant..but it just makes me question myself at times...i wonder if im that needy..if i have a major crisis every other day and just demand attention or support or something..and i know its pretty tricky to just call someone a liar on a board dealing with abuse but some things just make me tired..i dont like when someone is constantly saying they are leaving or they are going to just go and take pills and dont care and its like why are you doing this on a message board where people live all over the place..and its not like someone is able to stand there behind you and demand you take care of yourself or tells you to stop being so so i dont know..its just not ok ..and for a long as ive been talking to this person its like she has fallen apart pretty fast...gained a lot of issues that werent there before and i know there is truth in it..but somehow its not all truth and that makes me feel bad to just completely doubt someone and there motives..it makes me wonder if i do the same thing..do i demand someone is always there telling me that im ok and that they care and that they will miss me or something..and its just a lot to deal with..when i could just as easily make a choice to just stop associating/talking to them..because now i see their messages and it makes me tired..it makes me wonder why i bother or what they want this time..and that makes me feel horrible and shallow and rude and yea just a lot of stuff..and i dont even know why im worried about it so much

slight slight improvement

finally at home again..its been a long long long day and im just feeling worn out. met with the new cl and her mom today and they are awesomely cool..all the kids are home schooled and so there mom is just so laid back and there dog is a big big biggggggggggggggg fluff ball! his name is coconut and hes white and has oodles of fur and hes raly nice and likes to be petted :) oh and the cl was nice from what i saw of her lol..but they are nice and i told my supervisor i would give it a try. so that was good.

later that day i was told one of my other cls lost hours yet again and so her case will have to be appealed yet again for the 3rd time in less than 6 months .. its so so so frustrating right now with all of that and im now up to 5 cls .. 4 adults and one baby..and so my wed, thursday and friday hours just keep changing ..and im back to working 5 days a week and still hovering on the line between full time and part time

car issues of the day...cant see about getting a car until all insurance stuff is taken care of and that can be a couple weeks...im not sure i can afford to pay for a rental for that long and am freaking out big time about it..but cant do anything about that either..mommy got a letter today about the taxes on my car and im not sure why it went to her but now i have to give her the money to cover that which you know is to be expected but its just coming up at a really really super bad time and thats $200 that im going to be out of for that..but now its just down to a whole bunch of waiting it seems ..and im trying to keep cool and calm..and just take it a day at a time..but it is so hard ..i keep seeing when i ran into the back of the other car..and i dont remember what i was doing that i couldnt stop completely in time..i swear i was paying attention but im not sure..you know i wasnt on the phone, i wasnt messing with the radio..what had my attention so very much before it all happened ..i just wish i could remember the before a bit more clearly..the actual moment i remember very well and driving is still really shaky/nervous a bit.but it was better today..not as paranoid..just realized that i need to drive..i cant work without my car, i cant do anything with out my car..so i cant not drive..i cant be to scared to drive..

pri training was alright tonight..i paired up with someone i knew and that made it easier..we laughed a lot through it..and i always forget that pri for this job isnt the same as with the other job i had..where as with this current one we are not allowed to do a full physical restraint..no putting anyone on the ground..so it was more of just blocking and biting and hair pulling and simple restraints..my other job you were put into a full restraint..from standing to on the ground..and that i could never deal with well..and its slightly funny cas the lady doing it was talking about you know not to do it if you were hurting and stuff and i was like well i was in an accident like 2 days ago..and she pretty much told me i didnt have to do the physical part..and i told her i was ok and would let her know if i started to hurt to much..and it was only a couple times that i had to stop and move back a bit because of hurting a bit..but i also think doing it and using a bit of muscle i guess worked out some of the soreness in my chest..im not hurting as much right this minute..actually feeling pretty ok right this minute..dont know what changed it..

went and saw race to witch mountain with my cl today and it was a pretty ok outing. wasnt feeling great while i was with her and had a huge headache during the movie..most likely made worse by not eating until today..and popcorn at a movie just isnt food..so felt pretty crummy but still went and showed up and did what i had to do i guess..her mom just didnt get it at all and i guess she just comes across as being really rather selfish about the whole thing..and i dont know how to describe it at all

wish i was sleeping better..but maybe tonight it will be ok...i cant sleep on my back and have to sleep on my side or stomach or else i just keep getting up and moving..and with being so sore in the chest area i havent been able to really get comfortable at all...but hopefully the soreness will be gone for good in a couple more days

guess thats been my day

dont feel good today at all

tolerance for leaving the house, and being around anyone is at an all time low right now

how..

how am i not supposed to freak out ..my car is gone..it cant be fixed :'( ive only had it for like 8 months!! and today im told theres to much damage..and fixing it would be more money than the car is worth..and if it was fixed it would take up to 3 weeks and i cant afford to rent a car for that long..so now its all messed up and its my fault and i dont even want to call mommy and tell her that my car is gone..and i dont have to worry about a deductable now because i have to get a different car and i dont want another one i want that one

.........

didnt sleep to well cas it hurt..where i got hit with the airbag on my chest..finally just gave up trying ..hand doesnt hurt as much today but still a pain to try and use it to d o anything..really would just like to stay in bed today actually i want to stay in bed for the rest of the week..nervous about everything..dont want to deal with work at all..but i have to do the training this this evening because i cant miss that at all and i need to call my job and let them no im dont really have a car right now..got a rental but i have to pay for it because it wasnt covered in my insurance..but renting the car took a huge amount of what money i did have..feeling very sad,very stupid ..never did manage to cry yesterday and i guess thats why the scary feelings are sticking around so very much..mommy keeps telling me how lucky i was..how i got off really easy because the cop didnt give me a ticket..he only gave me a citation ..im not feeling very lucky at all right now

was in a car accident

fighting tears big time right now..head hurts a lot .. got hit with the air bag..with mommy though since she had to come and get me and so no crying at all right now..my car got towed and well yea that would be why im with mommy right now, head is really spacey so sorry if im repeating myself .. first thing mommy told me was that she she told me that i drove to close to other cars and went to fast..the cop said i was doing about 30 when i hit the other car..which is what i had guessed i was doing when i had to write the statement thing..and no one was hurt in the other car either..and im tired..and sore and not wanting to be around mommy at all ..just want to go home ..very not ok