a lot of thinking..choices to be made

i can safely say i will not be awake half the night tonight, im tired, really tired ..but i did wake up with a much clearer head today..looking a bit more forward to the future slightly..realizing that i have a choice in a lot of things and i dont have to do things i dont like or dont want to do..how has it been this long before i even begin to realize that i can say no to something and it is not the end of the world. but its ok..better late than never right.

actually working on a couple of job applications today. things cant change right..if i dont take the steps to make them change...there is a big big worry that well the thoughts will get bad enough staying at home that suicide will just keep looking better and better..so really needing to just do something about that..and if i know already that the job i have now doesnt pay enough to make that change possible then i have to look at other options..as scary as that is..but the worry and stress about money and being at home and two of the biggest issues right now and its just getting worse and the stress keeps my thoughts in a really negative cycle (wow did i actually just write that ) but when i was freaking out about it last week you know i just had to tell myself to stop it and calm down and think for a minute..i tend to ignore logic when im panicking big time..and it was like ok you know this is really easy to fix if you can stay calm and just focus a little bit..and the thoughts were right and made sense you know..obviously the money issue is the easiest thing to fix..and all it means is getting another job..hopefully one close enough to keep the t i have now..but if not then that will have to be dealt with later on..but for now its like ok what do you need to do type thinking..and i let it go all week and just didnt bother or think about it really and then today comes along and its like..ok time to work on those applications..sending them in is a step in the right direction..and if anything comes from it then that will be a good thing..(yes i am incredibly lucid today lol.its been a while )