hmmm

am feeling rather lost right now..was the same way yesterday for a while when i went to the store..just wandered around for a while because i didnt know what i was looking for or what i wanted..im sure when linda mentioned me not knowing what i wanted she didnt mean that..but i dont know..sad..worried..the usual..

dusti is having some issues and not using her litter box and its pissing mommy off and im waiting for her to tell me that dusti has to leave..but for now or well after today she is going to be exiled upstairs and not allowed downstairs anymore..which is better than mommy telling me that she has to be locked in my room..but i dont know what to do about it..i dont like that she has to be locked anywhere..and i know my options are pretty limited with it being home and well mommys house..and if she says dusti has to leave then i dont think there will be any way to get out of that..and i dont want her to go to the pound or anything like that..so i dont know for right now..im not sure i could manage at home without dusti..

still stuck with the rental

therapy yesterday ..ive been thinking a lot about...trying to come to some decision..any decision..and i need to work on not saying i dont know so much..but also i know linda is right in a lot of ways..the not talking and not looking at ppl will not do anything but make me more nervous with having a different job and being able to function like a normal person..i look at the jobs and stuff online for my state and there are some i want to apply for but at the same time i know im not ready..i cant deal with it..and i know ive thought of all of this before but now i guess im actually thinking about telling linda..shes right in that i participate as little as possible..even though to me it feels like im doing everything i can..but im not when i think about it..i think ive just started to like hearing her talk..and i know that if im quiet long enough she will ask a question or make some observation and then i get to listen..but its supposed to be about me..and i look at trying to fill the hour with stuff about me and it is overwhelming..but at the same time it is completely possible..i always have stuff in my head that i need/want to talk about.and its just getting stuck..and unfortunately..i wont be staying here forever..crap just thinking about being here for another year makes me queasy..but for now i think thats how it is just going to have to be..and i think ill be telling myself this a million times over the next few months..when things are hard and what not..i want to feel better..be better..be okay and believe it..i dont want to be working on all of this still years from now..i know it will take a while.but if i have any hope at all of growing up i suppose then i have to work on stuff now..while i have the chance..and the time..and it scares me..actually trying..harder than i am now anyway..talking..looking at her...and its interesting in that i think looking at her and talking to her will be the hardest thing out of all of it..fight my instinct of looking down and away and not saying what im thinking..

i realize that i dont know what to call any of it..so i guess im not accepting it either ..maybe thats the first step..accept it..give it a name..all of it..thinking in my head isnt getting me anything at all..but i dont think ive ever said it out loud either..

but the other part that is bothering me in a way..well not bothering really its more of just stuck in my head..is that all of it..a lot of what im struggling with is in the past..its already happened..it cant happen again...its not happening now..and it is incredibly straight forward..but you would think this was the first time i heard it..linda said it to me yesterday and it did get me to stop and think...and wonder how it is i never realized that..suddenly its a big deal kinda..and im not sure what to do with it..it is in the past..and its super hard talking about it..but its not going to start all over tomorrow..and it something was going on now then it would be my choice to leave..or stay..not anyone elses..and the issue with the whole trying meds thing..its my choice to do it or not..not mommys and i have to fight myself to not say anything to her about it...i think i just want to be comforted in all the mixed up feelings of not knowing what to do..but i also know that telling mommy would not in any way bring any type of comfort...she would make it worse..and i dont want to have to deal with that on top of everything else..im not doing anything wrong, im not lying..its just not her business or concern..its not about her..its about me and what i want..and i need to keep telling myself that until i believe it..