not calm at all

i tell myself to calm down, to sit quietly, to be still and just wait and that it will be okay..and nothing helps..not really..im already thinking about tomorrow and just the small fact that there is no therapy..and once i make it through tomorrow ill think about friday and no therapy and im sure by wednesday ill be completely freaked out. i did tell linda i would last a couple days into the week..i would say that was fair warning and i would think i at least knew myself enough to know i would freak..and that i was worried about the uninterrupted alone time throughout the wweek..later in the week will be worse really and the weekend..you know four days without ..maybe a couple more than that because ive forgotten when they are coming back..but you would think i would be thrilled..overly excited..calmer ..anything..and im not..not really..mostly i just dont care..i know i have to work through friday and then im not sure anymore..the kids arent back until sunday and im sure i wont be seeing them before next week..and so it will just be time..way to much time on my hands and no distractions..i have the weekend to do whatever i want..and i cant think of anything to do..i almost convinced myself to go and visit nia but stupid me forget at that time that she was going with mommy and i cant go to there place..and i cant go to va because i cant afford it ..and so im just stuck at home..and i dont want to be here at all really..i mean i guess ill manage as always but ..the worry is still there