the usual rambles

since im falling asleep im almost certain that this will not make very much sense..

im feeling strangely hopeful tonight, thinking about the future some..what i want to do..what i plan to do..what my goals are..etc..the only thing ive been so steady about lately is going back to school..but i tend to keep trying to gloss over the fact that it will be another year before that is even a real possibility .. another 8 or more months before i know for sure..and then things will have to change a bit..ill be able to move on..go off and do my own thing..but still there is that huge empty time frame..to deal with..and i know it is probably better..safer..to do what im doing now..although doing it now means ill have the next 3 years for therapy and what not..and good heavens i wonder what im thinking when i consider that..but i guess grad school will open up a lot more windows...i can apply anywhere really..but ill try nc first and then go from there..that means i have to start studying for the awful GRE..awful awful awful ugh
but oh well

and then after grad school, i can go anywhere, do anything, live anywhere, get away from here..away from everywhere..and just i dont know..live i guess..i keep thinking you know how there are the kids in high school who ar the loners and to make them feel better ppl tell them that there life just hasnt started yet, that they will blossom ( yep incredibly cheesy word i agree) later in life and will be happy..i keep thinking that for me thats how its happened..except i havent found my great life yet..im still looking for it..waiting for it..even possibly hoping for it..and it will happen it just has to happen..you know i guess as long as some shred of hope is still there then something will turn around..something will change..and things will not always seem like they are now..

i want a house
a family
love

saw some really pretty houses in a random neighborhood today and wondered what it took to get one..to be able to fill up an entire house with just belongings and personal stuff and make it this great space to be in..and it is slightly overwhelming..filling up space makes me nervous for some reason..i wonder if i even have enough stuff for a whole house..i have to much stuff for one room but so not enough for a house lol..

yeah just thinking about weird stuff tonight