i dont know..

im okay..i mean surprisingly pretty ok considering the week ive had..and its confusing to me but i guess i should just be happy..but how can i be happy when its just so weird? i was seriously wanting to die like 2 days ago..and then yesterday i wake up and actually i dont know have purpose or something..and its so hard to deal with..the ups and downs at times..and today i wake up and still im ok..just tired..a tad but nervous and frustrated about other just daily stuff but still pretty ok you know..

hopefully ..really hopeful that the car stuff will be fixed soon..yep still in a rental and yep still pretty much broke ..if i can make it to my next pay check that will save me once again.but the guy called yesterday and said that they almost had all the info and approval stuff and so im just hoping...trying to hope that it will all turn out ok.

babysitting again today and im so upset with harris for having a friend over and then leaving him to go with a different friend..and even more upset with them all about there behaviors in the movie last night..ugh..im now reminded why i do not have kids..if i needed a reminder well thats it..but now i know i wont be taking 4 to the movies ever again..but its ok..the apologized later..and i just told them they were being royal pains..to keep it decent..cas i was thinking they were being royal asses but i would never tell them that..so now its two of them and one is going home this morning and so then it will just be me and riley..and he has the whole day planned out lol..so he told me yesterday..and so we are going to the movies and shopping and out for lunch and ice cream..and you have to admit the kid can plan a day lol..but with just him it will be fine because he i know wont go away from me for long...i told them (riley and harris) the last weekend when we were at the movies that i was leaving them because i got annoyed at them for some reason and riley can running back to get me and harris asked for the money and kept walking lol..as much as i love the two of them sometimes im just really glad i get to bring them home to there parents at the end of the day. so today should be a really low key day.

i still havent written linda about what went one on tues/wed/thursday..i emailed her something but it wasnt the entire thing and i could have written a lot more..but im just scared i guess..but i know i will have to write it at some point or tell her..and if those are my options then i would rather write it..but i know its important to at least tell her what happened and why..ive been thinking about it a lot..and even if i cant figure out how to really say it i know i can try..i keep reminding myself thats its not insight im lacking..its the ability to talk in words so someone else understands me..there are so many things i need to work on..and its so hard thinking about it all and feeling so small and insignificant in it..i dont know..i feel so lost in it all and well im not letting her help me..and i know it..and i just want to tear my hair out because i do know all of it..good grief ive thought about some things so much and talked the entire issue out and had insight and made annoyingly good comments to myself on it..and then i go to therapy and its like im the dumbest person ever because i dont seem to know anything and cant talk about it or give details or say anything..and im not stupid you know..i know im not stupid..but still its a struggle..i was thinking yesterday while i was lucid and in a good mood..seriously i started referring to yesterday as a lucid period..but anyway i was thinking that theres an entire world out there and i can do what i want..i was looking up sharing an apartment and stuff yesterday just for the fun of it..and it was interesting..i cant afford to do that now..but its an option you know.. i can do stuff if i manage to get past the fear..but i let the fear.anxiety stop me every time..again and again .. i stop myself..i dont know ..its just frustrating because there are the days when im ok and can think about the future..and then there are the days when im so not ok i dont even want to keep breathing..and there is no happy medium..its all or nothing..and i think that is the hard part for it..and writing that makes me wonder about bipolar again but i know thats not me..i can be really low but the highs arent manic..its just ok..but anyway..thats whats been rolling around in my head ..

and i was also thinking about why it is i wont apply for a different job..and its because im afraid ill actually get it..thats it..so simple right? no not really..