a lot to process ..

im so so very mad and its directed at all the wrong people and i feel bad for that. actually its only directed at my therapist and i know im not mad at her..i just think i am and i know im mad..and frustrated ..and then it was my brillant idea to start thinking that some how this is all lindas fault except well thats not true..because its my fault and i know this but im trying to ignore it because i dont want to think about that..or acknowledge it or think about it..because once i start thinking about that then ill have to realize why its my fault in the first place..

all of this is stemming from the simple little fact that i went to therapy and left and didnt say what i really wanted to say. this happens an awful lot but today it was just worse some how and i left and got so upset..because it was like well how could i go and know i wasnt ok and not say anything?! nothing at all? but thats what i did..and then it made me even more upset because i was able to leave and make it seem like i was doing ok and linda didnt question me on it because i gave no reason for her to need to. because she had no reason to ask me..thats how it goes..im always ok, im always fine..and no one needs to know any different..except linda cant do anything, cant help if im not telling her..and then i get mad and think she doesnt care because she doesnt ask me..or question me..and it all gets so mixed up and confusing..i can the logic in it..i can see the illogical part of it too..and i cant do anything just yet to make it better..i dont know how to tell her..i dont know what to say to make it better..i dont know what to say..but i want it to be better..but i need the anger to wear off first..even misdirected its to much to deal with..because ive been thinking about it all day and its taken most of that time to figure out i was mad and even longer to figure out the why behind it..and all of it is hard to deal with..because its like standing there and discovering the complete and utter truth and having to deal with it all head on because theres just no where to hide anymore..all these months of being so careful, so controlled, so just perfect in some way and its all going to have to come crashing down..because i cant go and tell her all of this and expect things to stay the same..because what she has worked so hard to get me to do will happen and that is the scariest thing ever..because once the fight to stay in control is gone i dont know what will happen..and that is the part that has always scared me..i cant control myself if im there telling her all of this stuff..but this is one of those things that she needs to know..once i figure out how to write it to her..