im just sorry

i guess its possible to make a list of things im sorry for, well i guess anyone could make a list like that but it would be a waste of time...today im just sorry in general about everything i could possibly be sorry about and then a few things that most likely would make no sense at all..like im sorry im so horrible, im sorry for breathing..although i realized maybe that is why i always have to remind myself to breathe correctly when im really freaking out..i just start holding my breath and thats prolly not a good idea you know...yesterday was a miserable day and the urge to cut was really strong, maybe it was the urge to hurt that i was after and so i ended up wanting to cut..but i didnt..nothing to cut with and my days of breaking apart shaving things are long gone..those never worked as well anyway..but i guess since thats making me think of a lot of different thingsand just making me want it, then the urge to cut is still there and still a bit strong..yesterday i just ended up being really quiet..there was no point in talking or trying or anything really. mommy said what she wanted and made sure i knew that i was completely horrible and lazy i guess..but then as soon as she needed me to do something online for her she had nothing at all to say to me about anything..but once that was done then it was back to what it was before..and it made me upset enough to really wonder why i was staying, why i didnt just take all of my stuff and dusti and just leave..its a stupid stupid idea to stay here, just in general it is..im just setting myself up to fail big time at everything..i want a way out, one that i like and can deal with and i havent found one yet..i could try for grad school next year but i think about that huge span of time between now and then and it makes me nervous..i could find a job, a different one and move somewhere else, i could go to va, i could stop therapy, which is what would happen if i moved..i could do an awful lot of things..and none of them are anything that i really want..and i dont know why..i cant seem to get very far past wanting to just leave..and its not even classified as running away since i have a car and money (sometimes) and can do what i want..and instead im as trapped here as ive ever been and i dont know how to make it better..i currently feel like i have no control over my life at all..but i guess i do..since i can still decide what i do and when and all of that..it just feels like there is no control, no balance, no anything, and all of it is just confusing..i cant deal with my life anymore..maybee i could nevere deal with it and just got really good at ignoring it..maybe thats why i am so intent lately on just playing computer games, because they involve no thought at all, they are repeatative and stop me from thinking about my life..i am in complete control of something thats not real and that is comforting in some way..i dont like or want my life..and i dont know what to do about it..everyone else is happy and having fun and i wonder whats wrong with me? how come i end up choosing to just not really exist .. when i was answering all of those questions in therapy the other day, i really did start to wonder a lot about some of the things i write about..you know maybe its not ok that i can make everything feel like its not there, or dull myself out completely, or shut off what im feeling..i dont know what im doing..maybe its just that because i cant see what i want my life to be like..i can barely see myself making it through the day without doing anything incredibly stupid..doesnt help that i can forget my day just as fast..nothing is interesting anymore, but im just set in some routine that cant be broken..i know what im supposed to do and that is enough to make sure i leave the house during the day..during the week, there is structure of some sort..but then the weekends come and im left to my own devices and im at a loss as to what to do with myself ..most of the time i dont want to do anything at all anyway..most of the time i juts want to stay in bed or stare at the ceiling..sometimes i want to just go out and do something but the motivation to put energy into it is most always lacking..and without yvonne being so close i cant even go and waste time at her place anymore..im slightly worried about being alone for easter weekend..everyone is going out of town and ill be left here..with nothing to do..and i think about that huge span of time and wonder what i could get away with doing and thats not good..everyone picks to go out of town at the same time..no mommy is good, no demands will be nice, almost no expectations..for a few days..but ill be by myself..with nothing to do, and no where to go..and its not like my thoughts have been in the greatest place lately..what i want i cant have..im trying not to even think about what i want because i realized that while writing this that im feeling a bit on edge..im not sleeping good again, i want the pills back, i want my razors back, i just want something to make it all just stop