struggling today

im not sure why...its such a nice day outside..and im thinking and rethinking about why i never said anything..why i kept my silence and expected things to be better..i guess on some level i just knew that telling would cause more trouble..you know .. i was the one that had to go back home, not whoever i happened to tell..i would have to deal with all that happened not them..how you you want help and at the same time hate it? how does it make sense that help would have just made things worse..it was one of those times when i guess you just kinda know..its better to just stay quiet and hope it gets better...and yet i was still the one who just had to open my big mouth..just for it to be investigated and nothing turns up..the guilt is worse than anything else..knowing it was my fault everything gets messed up and keeps getting messed up..the only better thing now is that there are no more kids at home and so there is nothing that can involve social services anymore..now everyone is old enough to make there own choices..and im the only one in therapy..makes me wonder a lot..younger sister was in and out of the hospital a bit for about a year for suicidal tendencies and what not..but i guess shes better now...and she did therapy for a while but thats stopped too..am i really the only one that just cant deal with it? maybe i was to sensitive? maybe im just looking at it differently and some how seeing it differently? i dont know..:( .its hard..makes me wonder if im crazy or really losing it because its like i need so much to just get through the day and they are all managing some how...maybe it just makes me feel weak in some way..like im not strong enough to last through it..i wasnt strong enough..they all have there lives and i dont seem to be doing anything at all...