thinking

why do i doubt myself? you would think i would be the one person who would believe myself and stick to my story and what i know..i want to do that but i dont..i cant..its like watching a movie except right when you get to anything big, theres nothing there..its so annoying and frustrating because then it just keeps moving along except the parts that are missing dont come in later..you cant guess as to what they were..or why they arent there..its just theres one thing and then theres nothing..and then it picks up again..all the implied parts are there..i was born..i went to school..i was good..and so on..but its all the little pieces no one else would care to notice that are gone..the birthday parties, growing up, actually being in school, doing stuff with the family, going on trips, visiting nc, moving numerous times..all things i should remember and i dont..i know it wouldnt be a minute by minute recalling of everything but happened..but just a sense that it happened would be good..would be more comforting..instead its like i just kinda woke up a bit more after high school i guess..but then i was to paranoid to really be much good..and i guess that now its evened out a bit..i can think more rationally..not freak out about everything..but still a lot of the same stuff comes up..its all still there but its just different now..

i think its all about control..i cant stay in control of myself if im going and talking about all this stuff..i have to remind myself that i can never not have control..i have to make sure everything stays in some order that im not always completely aware of..and maybe thats why the repetitive stuff is so comforting..i know what to expect..i know what im supposed to do..i can tell you everything i have to do each week before it gets here..i know my entire schedule..the layout and how its supposed to go..im certain that ill stick to it and then i wont forget anything at all..but then the actual week gets here and suddenly im not so sure anymore.no matter how many times i write it down or remind myself or look at a calendar i still manage to doubt what im going to do...its the same thing almost every week..same cls ..same times..same everything..within reason..and i cant seem to manage some weeks..and its not as if im going to (losing train of thought..not sure why)

i took a break from writing this and started thinking about protecting and what was going on and not talking..and ive come to the conclusion that im trying to protect my therapist..from myself..if i dont say anything then obviously there is nothing for her to do anything about or to think badly about or be mad at me..or any other way ive manage to work it out in my head..and i cant say it makes much sense at all because i know she if fully capable of taking care of herself..and doesnt need me to make sure she is safe i guess..but i dont know..i dont think im making very much sense lately ..i want to email her or talk to her or something..but im not sure of what i want to tell her..i think its just the simple fact of wanting her that is bothering me so much lately..want..need..back and forth..i should be able to take care of myself and i cant..well i can.but im not great at it and lag big time..and all this other stuff and its just hard and scary and i dont want to want her or need to talk to her a million times a week..because its just barely 3 days between sessions and how can i just fall apart in three days? and i think im worried about the scale thing i took..and i know it doesnt matter what the results of it is..because i cant say it will really change anything..it just gives it a logical name..and i dont want that either..i dont want to be classified as anything..not realy sure i want to be classified as anyone either but thats a different issue..i thought i was getting better at staying ok..but i guess i was just getting better at not realizing i wasnt ok..not a good thing to do...ive changed my mind.i dont want to know anything at all..