muddy thoughts

i keep thinking that something will happen. that suddenly there will be some grand epiphany and everything will be good and ill have what i want .. and it doesnt happen..i guess being at nias place is just making me really jealous and out of sorts..

and i wonder if im making the right choice, doing the right thing? is hoping that things will get better even enough? i dont know..i wonder why i even bother..i guess i do know why i bother ..but i dont want to think about it right now..the past few days i havent really been thinking about anything at all..the sadness is back and i keep trying to ignore it..hope that it will just go away and it does but it always comes back again..i dont want to think..maybe thats it..i cant ignore it if im thinking about it..and all ignoring does is disconnect me and i dont like that any better..time slows down, time speeds up, i stop and the world moves on around me and i cant do anything about it.i think doubt is just kicking my butt today..all i want to do is wonder what if..and feel horrible because it seems like everyone else is so pulled together and i cant even keep my weeks straight. but i know im doing the right thing even if it does mean being stuck at home for longer than i wanted..school is something no one can just disagree with..trying is better than just blowing it off and i do like school..i wonder if ill be able to manage..i wonder if ill get in..but im not wondering if ill fail again..and its only a couple years..and then who knows..maybe by then ill have my head together a bit more and things wont be so helplessly not okay..technically 3 years before i have to rejoin the real work world..from the way im looking at things now..but that means i have to figure out what im doing now..technically im working..and well theres therapy too..and after that theres babysitting...and of course wasting time..and somewhere in there i need to get it together enough to start studying for the gre..and maybe ill even plan to take it in august.and see how it goes..3 months or so to prepare..because i think the applications for next fall have to go out by like feb or something..i dont know...maybe i can afford a tutor or something..cas i think about the math section and it makes me not even want to bother..essh ..but if i have to do it than i want to try my hardest..

why am i feeling so sad..dejected..lost..alone..confused should be my middle name..

i actually made it the entire time without calling my therapist..i wonder if shes wondering what im up too lol..but i hope shes not worrying..

hmm i dont know what im rambling on about..