i guess ive just worried and worried and worried so much that im all done worrying ..about all of it..and i say that today and i know that tomorrow it will be something different..today i woke up thinking about the whole med thing with linda again and wondering what i want to do about it..she says that meds may help with the anxiety and depression and maybe make it easier for me to talk if those arent getting in the way as much..and that part of it i had never really considered..im normally completely against meds because just having them around is not a good thing but then linda already knows that too and i guess it can be worked around..seriously though seeing the pdoc is super expensive..and then trying to afford meds and what not..not good but i at least told linda she could ask the pdoc how much it would be to see her and what the sliding scale would be..and then we could go from there..if it can be worked out then ill consider it.linda said it if the pdoc was a possibility then i could go back to seeing her once a week to put money towards seeing the other lady for a while..and then linda can just help with monitoring the meds and stuff since she sees me ever week..and then i wont have to see the pdoc as often..but im nervous about seeing the other doc and having to do it by myself and talk to her..and im assuming ..or maybe im just hoping linda will talk to her and tell her before hand that i dont talk and wont look at her...but even if she does the nervousness will still be there..wonder if linda would go to the appt with me..but still i have to wait until tomorrow to find out more about that..and then i was thinking last night that i wanted linda to go to the appt with me but i know if she did i would want her to do all the talking and she cant..i have to talk still..and i have to talk..ive done it before but its just always so hard..and i keep thinking i have to stay in control..i have to do all this stuff..i have to stand up for myself and get what i need and stop being so scared..and i dont know if i can..she also mentioned that the meds may help with my focus and staying on task and stuff

like not telling linda what had me so upset the other week...i have to tell her and i was so close and then backed out of it yet again..i should tell her, i want to tell her, but i get scared and dont say anything..and its the same thing..linda is right..we get to a certain place again and again with talking and then i just stop completely and refuse to say anything else..i cant say anything else..and i cant even explain why i cant..it just makes me frustrated and upset that i cant do it..its not fair..i want to talk and i cant..now i want to talk and cant ..