i want to write, but i don't know what to say..my thoughts keep returning to the same things and none of them are good..i spent an hour today talking myself out of taking pills..they weren't mine but i just happened to sit there and look up all the bottles until i knew what they were for..and i wanted them all..i wanted to have them..and i couldn't just let myself give in and take them..and bring them home..what would i do with them? once i had them? how is it that i still check the bottles at one of the places i work just to make sure the pills are still there..again not mine but so easily accessible..so easy to just get them and keep them..but i don't know why i want them still..yesterday i wondered if it would hurt to really crash my car thats not mine..wondered that more today while driving..i wondered about purging..just because it would hurt in the end..i wondered about going to the store and looking at all the razors and what not..i wonder about not eating, dieting, becoming vegetarian again..and the more i think about it the more it makes sense..i keep wondering about all this stuff..and wanting it..and then making myself suffer because i dont want it at the same time..because i know none of it is good..because i know it doesnt help in the long run..but in the moment i want it all..some where in all of that the thoughts of dying are starting to come back again..wanting things to stop, to go away, to just drift along for a while and not really do anything..i think i just want a way out..everything is losing interest again..i wake up in the morning and wonder why i have to even get out of bed..when i dont want to..and instead i waste time doing every thing but what im supposed to do..what i need to do..because i dont want to deal with any of it..because its all to hard and i dont even know why..
is it weird that i think of all of this..that i wonder and wonder and wonder and cant come up with what to do to make it stop..all the time all these questions go around and around in my head and i cant seem to make them stop..because i get so caught up in trying to find away around the rules...trying to find a way to be the center of attention, to be wanted and cared for and important..and that means doing something really really really stupid..and i know it would be a bad idea to let my thoughts and wants take over..to get stuck doing something i dont want to do..just to get to the end result which would mean being cared for..having concern..i think about before it happens and its all appealing and nice and comforting in some weird way..but i know that if it happened..and once i had it..then i wouldnt even want it anymore..i would hate it so so so much..but that doesnt make wanting it any easier
ive spent the weekend spending money i dont have to fill a craving ..a need..a want..that refuses to be filled..and i keep trying and all it does it make me sick..and im sorry in the end that i even tried..that i wasted the money on something that was so short lived..so in the moment and once its gone its gone..and im left still wanting more..always wanting more..
mommy comes back tomorrow..im not excited..im nervous..on edge..worried something will be messed up some how it will be my fault or something..already im wondering what i need to make sure is cleaned and put away before she gets home tomorrow..what do i need to remember to do and not forget about before i leave tomorrow to go to work..because if i screw up and dont do something then tomorrow will become just what my days usually are i guess..
it never ends
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