tonight im just wondering ..wondering about what im doing and not doing..what i want to do..jobs and grad school and all of that..suddenly i dont want to go to grad school anymore..not now..suddenly im looking at and thinking about the year ahead of me at home and dreading it with every fiber of my being..after today....i wonder how much longer i can stick it out before giving up..because im not sure ill last much longer..without something changing..more and more lately i want my razors..i want to go to the store and buy some..and have them..i want to go and take pills from my sister because i learned that she has some good pain meds..that i of course dont need..i went to a substance abuse class the other night and it was interesting..learned some new things..got creeped out by the extremes ppl go through just for a high..and wonder if cutting served the same purposes..im tired of all the stress and worrying and not knowing what is going on..
you hide and hide and hide until you can no longer find yourself..thats what i was thinking tonight..
i dont know why though..just thoughts floating around in my head..jealously is really bigg right now..wanting what other ppl have and just set on wanting more..on wanting to be like everyone else..but how can i be like everyone else without being able to manage more than a few days at a time without feeling so very bad..heck some weeks im lucky to get two days together where i feel ok..more often than not im working with hourly changes in moods/thoughts/actions..
ive been thinking a lot lately about how im not telling linda the complete truth about a lot of things..simple things that she could help with..like focus and attention..and staying present..all things i have been having such trouble with lately..
i just want to leave..but again..no place i really want to go..
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