just need to write

Mommy came home today, she was home when I got home from work. I wasn't excited or happy or anything, it was just something else that happened today. Not really something that needed any extra thought but I was still worried about it. I didn't realize that what I wanted her to do was at least acknowledge that I was here and when she didn't it just hurt. I was waiting for her to say something, anything at all to me, that would have been a good thing, ask how my day was or what I did while they were all gone and she didn't. She asked what I wanted for dinner and if I had drank her sodas and then left. When she got back she asked me if I had changed the cats litter box which of course I had, and that's it. I didn't even know what it was I wanted, I just know I didn't get it and it is disappointing, hard to deal with. All of it just makes me feel incredibly sad. Like I don't exist, I'm not important enough to be noticed, wanted, needed. It keeps getting drilled in, that I'm just not good enough and I never will be, and maybe that is why the thoughts of not wanting to eat are coming up. I just want to hurt and I cant cut again because that's off limits in some way, but the ED stuff we haven't talked about in therapy and I refuse to bring it up because its not that important. Its like if I don't talk about it then it doesn't exist yet, and so it is easier to hide, easier to convince myself that its ok to do it. That I will get away with it because its so easy to hide if no one is looking for it. I feel slightly guilty but at the same time I don't care. Way to sad to really care, I hate feeling all of this stuff, I don't want to want anything at all, I dont want to know that something is missing and keep looking for it in all the wrong places. How can it not bother me that somewhere in my head I am planning to die and nothing will stop it.