a night full of thinking

"The self you invent, the self you live by, that is the self who is important. you are who you choose to be"
pg 259 locked inside

i read that tonight in a book and felt the need to copy it and keep it..but i also read it and reread it and it makes me feel angry a bit..i guess maybe because it seems like it would be so easy..so straightforward..you know what you want and then you just go after it..but its not that easy..and i dont know how or why it isnt..i mean i guess its just not the same to grow up and have everything handed to you all nice and dealt with..no trying needed or involved...it makes it more worth it to have to work for it..to have to want it ..to just want something so so much you are willing to do everything for it..its so easy to get caught up in what everyone wants..in what you should want ..how you should be..and its hard to stand out, to be yourself, to want to be yourself in a world where thats not really encouraged..where you learn at a young age to just be like everyone else..to fade into the background..to just be there and if you manage to do something good..to make some difference .then you are just lucky somehow..or you did something wrong to gain that success...why succeed or try or do anything when there is always someone there to tell you that you are wrong, or stupid or not trying hard enough..it doesnt make sense to me..i wish i could say that i knew with most certainty who i was and what i wanted out of life..what my goal was..what i want to just work for..and i know all the expected answers..i know that if i say im going to change the world that is enough..no one wants to know why though.no one cares enough to ask why and if on a whim someone did ask im not even sure i would have an answer for them..it is just so easy to go with the flow, to just get by..and getting by isnt enough anymore you know..i want more out of life than just to get by..and maybe thats what this whole thing has been about..ive tried for a year to figure out what i want out of life and i dont think im any closer to coming up with a brilliant answer..and im not ok with that at all..it makes me feel like im not doing anything to just live and breath and some how manage to make it through the day without trying to kill myself..the fact that i want to kill myself most days should concern me more than it does..but the thoughts have been there so much that it doesnt matter anymore..im not sure what the final push will be but i guess ill find out some day..but it wont be today or tomorrow or next week..it may be years from now..i dont know but i dont want to think about that either..i want to think about now, the present, and i cant even do that because i cant seem to stay present..i cant stay with myself through out the day and that makes me feel incredibly nervous and on edge because its not ok to do it i guess..because somehow its become the easy way out of dealing with everything that i dont like..its how i manage to be at home and stay there and still strive to be the good obedient kid..not a good obedient adult.. because suddenly nothing is completely clear anymore..and maybe that is why i have felt so quiet lately..well since friday..its like i have to come to terms with something i have known for a while..and just refused to really admit to myself..you know yep its completely ok to have a conversation with yourself ..of course your not crazy..blah blah blah .. linda didnt call me crazy though..im not sure if i really asked either..but maybe thats a question i dont need answered on top of everything else..maybe there is a way to find something better, to stay more present, to want to be here as linda likes to tell me now..coping or no i need to stay ..and im not sure i really like that..what will happen when i reach the day where i am able to deal with stuff as it comes ..and not freak out..and not do anything.and be ok and feel and not get stuck in a bad pattern of thoughts..im sure it will take quite a bit of time to reach that point but there are so many questions..always questions and never enough answers