i dont know what im doing

i will try to write this and stay completely focused.but im not sure ill be able too..

im tired..and it makes me mad that when i say im tired at work with one family, im asked what i have to be tired about..im sorry but for the few hours im with them twice aweek does not show anything at all about my schedule..if i say im tired then im tired..thats it..im not looking for a way to not be tired i was juts stating what i was feeling at the time..but anyway..tomorrow is the intake for the pdoc and im nervous...scared about it..worried really..and im trying to stay calm and not think about it..if i think about it the anxiety will get the best of me and i may not make it to the appt tommorrow without cutting or something..i keep thinking that tomorrow is the day ill be around the pills i took before and i want one..good grief i want one..but i wont take it because i dont know what it will do and i cant fall asleep while im driving or do something else that ends badly..that would be pretty stupid..but really i just want to the numb oblivion..i dont want to think about it at all..i dont want to even realize i have to go..but i know when the time comes i will show up because thats what i do..i would feel more guilty canceling or not showing..i know its something i have to try..and im trying to be ok with that..im feeling craizer than usual today..and i know tomorrow i will just be really off until i get there..the waiting and watching the clock is going to be really hard.. :( i dont know how to make myself feel better at all about going even if i know that it is something that could be a good thing..im afraid i will try to kill myself one of these days and if it can be prevented then that is a good thing..

and well nia is telling me that rob is most likely going to be going overseas and im sorry for her..sad for her ..because without rob she is stuck..and so i can see why she asked if i would consider moving in with her..or moving somewhere with her..but she isnt being as flexible as she could be..i asked her about moving to wilmington instead of wilson and she pretty much said no..and im not sure i want to be that far away from my therapist right now..i really dont..but im trying to stay open minded about it..because moving in with her really is a way out..without spending a lot of money..it would mean changing jobs..starting somewhere new..but not being alone either..but i dont think its fair either that she is so set on where she wants to go and i dont have that same option..im applying for a different job here and if i get it then i guess im not moving with her..but at the same time i told her i would keep my options open and still look for jobs in the area where she wants to go..because there are benefits to being up there and it is a bit cheaper to live of there and i would be closer to ecu again and my teachers there..

with everything that is going on the need to find a better paying job is being more and more of something that has to be done..ive tried so hard to make it work and its just not .. the more i try the more it seems that i come up with more bills..i need more money..its something..its always something else.and without babysitting i wouldnt have made it for as long as i have..and i will miss my ppl i work with..ill miss my job..but i just cant keep it for much longer and expect to keep things going..and so i have to really think about what i want right now..i have to figure out what im trying to do..because now that im adding on psychiatrist services and having to pay for those the lack of insurance is a big freaking neon sign right now..the fact that i have to pay out of pocket means that i cant see the doctor that i want to see..and would prefer to see..and its one of those issues where insurance would have just made it so much easier you know..im sorry but i dont have $200 just laying around waiting to be used for something..and then i have to go to driving school and pay court cost in a couple weeks and thats another chunk of money that i cant really afford to lose but i have no choice..im still stuck paying for the rental and its like thats all im working for right now..is covering the rental and letting all my other bills slip..theres just no way any of it is working right now and it makes me sad..and anxious..and nervous..and im trying..im working..im doing what im supposed to do and its still not enough..and i try you know..because of babysitting i cant take another part time job because babysitting really counts as a part time job and i do make enough so that its worth it..but even that isnt enough some weeks..i live week to week..day to day..wondering what can be put off or not paid for a little bit longer..and insurance and car payments and everything else i have to pay..all of it is weighing on me big time right now..and i dont know how to make any of it better..im tired of trying to really..when i freaked out about it all on monday or tuesday..i had to remind myself that money was probably one of the easiest problems to fix..if i could just focus enough to try to find another job..one with benefits..one that paid a steady salary..cas right this minute my paychecks really are a wait and see type thing..i know my hours..and each week they are different.my paychecks are a surprise each and every time i get paid..and that is probably not a good thing you know..each time its like playing a very careful game of figuring out how to pay bills and stay afloat just a little bit longer..but this is one thing that i can fix..or work on fixing..and it scares me..it really does..but the stress of not knowing and not being able to afford anything is worse..it really is.. :(