movies..triggers..feelings

i do it on purpose sometimes...watch things that i know will upset me..read books that i know make me so antsy i cant sit still..listen to music that depresses me..and i do it because of the reaction..because then i know ill feel something..good/bad/horrible..whatever it may be ill have it and then i wont feel so numbed out..i was well on my way to just nothingness..but if im upset then i have to be aware of why or whats causing it..and so i have to just stay present i guess..but then now all the little annoyances are coming up again..and its a pain..4 times today ive had to really think and pay attention to remember what say it was..more times than i can count ive wondered if im doing what im supposed to be doing, if im working with the right client because im not sure..how upsetting is it that i cant even keep track of my own schedule it seems?! the worrying drives me crazy when i know im right and just cant seem to remember it..cant remember why i know im right and it still just doesnt feel like i am..

last night i watched a movie i really didnt need to watch and it brought up so many questions/thoughts about society and child abuse and how no one 'sees' anything at all until its to late..in the movie i watched last night..the girl died..so many ppl knew though, so many people could have saved her, stopped it, but after she was dead and it all suddenly came out ..everyone wanted to point fingers and blame someone else..no one knew what to do to help her..everyone who was in on it just watched her die and swore they were only doing what they were supposed to do..am i the only one who sees the wrongness in all of that..the wrongness in the entire movie and i watched it and wondered what in the heck people were thinking..why was is ok until something bad happened and someone ended up dead..it makes me disappointed ...it was a true story and that makes it even worse in some way...its not just a story line that was written, it wasnt just someone gets hurt and then they are saved and everything is ok..it was a reminder that not everything has a happy ending..not everyone is saved, or manages to make it until they are old enough to leave..sometimes its the simple questions like wondering how a parent can choose someone else over there kids..bastard out of carolina is a good one if your contemplating that one..but if you can make it through all the abuse that goes on that is..incredibly umm detailed in that movie..i watch all this stuff and it makes me so mad..so angry and upset and just sad..

how is it that in a family as big as mine there was no one to step in and put a stop to anything..no one did anything to help..i cant say i was really very verbal with asking because that would have been wrong..but still no one saw anything..but everyone could tell me i should be happy and grateful...i should be happy to be so lucky..to get to do so many things..but i never wanted all the material stuff..crap i know im incredibly materialistic..i always want something bigger or better, i just always want more..i should be happy with what i have..i wish i could be happier with what i have and im not..i like buying stuff, i like wasting money on stuff i dont need at all just because i want it, just because i happen to see it and as im looking at it and arguing with myself over whether to buy it or not, i know i dont need it or even really want it..but at the same time i just have to have it..i need it to fill so void i guess..some part of me that thinks that the more stuff i have the happier ill be..and yea there is a happiness involved but it is always short lived..i will wake up from the enjoyment eventually and realize i just spent a lot of money that could have gone to something else..thats how mommy works..when all else fails she bribes .. offers something that guilt just has no part in..bribing works so much faster..give me what i want..and im a bit more willing to cave..sometimes i dont want to, sometimes i do..its one of those things that i just know is happening and theres not enough will i guess to refuse..its easier to just accept it whatever it may be and just move on..sometimes i end up feeling guilty for being so easily bribed..as always though theres something missing....i dont know..i talk to mommy on the phone a lot during the day, every day..and for as much emotion and focus that i put into the conversation i could have been talking to anyone..most likely someone i didnt know at all..geez i put more energy and effort into sending a text message..but i talk to mommy and just zone out almost completely..i can make it through an entire conversation and say nothing but yes or no before im hung up on...i am most certain that i didnt want mommys attention, i dont want it now..i talk to her about as much as i can get away with and most of that has to be forced out..because otherwise i would sit in silence and not say a word to her at all..im pretty sure that if she could get away with it she would read my mail..

mommy is mad at me..you know how someone is just pissed off at you and just wont come right out and say it..but she is..and i know this because now nia is asked to look up info for mommys next trip out of town instead of me..if im not being used then i know she is royally mad at me..and i shouldnt care at all..but then once again i get compared..because nia can do it better, because nia does this, this and this and why cant i..and why do i always have to be so mean and whats wrong with me..so no i shouldnt care..but that doesnt make the hurt lessen any at all..there's always someone better..theres always someone i need to strive to be..i dont try hard enough..and it just goes on and on..i try hard to not listen at times but then that just means ive wandered off in my head somewhere and am not really focused on whats going on anymore..

all of it just makes me tired..
im tired of thinking, im tired of my head, im tired of where my thoughts get stuck and seem to play on repeat, im tired of all of it