depression is creeping in ...

right now im trying to remember if i actually did take my medicine this morning ..and im pretty sure that i did..even if i did spend most of the day asleep and well not dealing with anything in life..i think i wanted to sleep..i did forget that the trazodone knocks me out for a good long while..but yeah i also knew taking as much as i did..that it would effect me the next day..but oh well..i wanted to sleep and i did...

the events of the past few weeks are wearing on me..mind and body..i am tired..i want to give up..i want to give in...tonight i ran across a picture of self injury scars and out of nowhere the desire to hurt came up fast and strong...i missed it..i want the pain..the escape...i just want something to make my heart stop hurting..something to make me forget just how hopeless and lonesome things are feeling right now...and i would..i really would but going home this upcoming week is the only thing really stopping me..and that is not a firm no i am not going to do it kind of stopping..no it is simply i dont want to be questioned or condemned...yes i could hide it..but where i want to cut will be unhideable..at least from mommy...and im just not up for a conversation about that right now...so im writing instead..and listening to music...i want to work on collages ..im actually feeling the need to get my books out again and actually work on something..the thoughts are feelings are filling my head..and the outlook is bleak..i want a distraction.i want something..anything to take my mind off of how hopeless i am feeling..and trying to deal with it alone and stay safe when im almost ready to admit myself to the hospital..again a couple things stop me...and im forced to stay somewhat safe and deal with myself..and i dont want to..i just want to sit down and cry and scream at how messed up things are...it makes me tired ... and each day i get a little more tired...a little more isolated..a little more shut down...and i get lost in the thoughts of wanting to end it all. of knowing that i could is the scary thing.  knowing that this is a place i dont want to be in weighs heavily on my mind.  i dont want to deal with people.  i dont want to be around anyone or talk to anyone.  i want to turn my phone off an ignore everything.  how long would it take for someone to even notice that i have compeltely shut myself off from everything and everyone?  that i am hiding in my apartment, just falling apart and pretending to keep it together for the sake of everyone else who does talk to me...im supposed to be strong..brave...able to deal with this little set back and move on..but i feel so alone..i want to explain so bad about what happened and why and i cant...just another secret to keep to myself...and to again work to prove that i am not the scum of the earth right now...i realized my mistake..i have owned up to my mistake...and still i am judged and exiled all at the same time.

so i have gone quiet...everything is to much to deal with..i can barely handle my daily tasks of getting out of bed and taking a shower..putting on clean clothes..all of it is to hard right now...and i am spending a lot of time just looking at the walls of my bedroom or sleeping to ignore the hurt and sadness that i am currently experiencing...

i dont know what to do..i dont know how to manage myself or my thoughts right now....silence is all i have..