it is interesting how one simple little thought can bring on an avalanche of other thoughts..a downwatd spiral as alice like to say...but what has triggered these thoughts??? what happened that i am suddenly not so okay and feeling incredibly sad and vulnerable..and thinking negative things..??
what happened ?? i was happy..i was feeling happy and calmer and had gotten hugs..i left dinner with heather in a good place...on the drive home..i started to think..to analyze our conversation..and slowly...ever so slowly how i was feeling changed.suddenly im no longer feeling so happy..and im sad...im thinking about sad things...i want to feel safe and protected and those are feelings that i only get sometimes..around some people and certainly not with myself..but with heather and kathy and alice and courtney and jessica...for little bits of time i am able to feel safe..and cared for..and then i leave them and its like a hole opens back up inside me..and the yearning for safety and comfort because overwhelming...i cant seperate out the reality from the fiction..and that is where i am currently stuck...wanting her and not able to have her makes me upset...angry almost..hating that she was able to give comfort for a short period of time and then she is gone.and i am alone again..sometimes i dont think i do so well alone...not as well as i allow people to think...i am so starved for physical comfort that juts getting a little bit amps up the desire for more..instead of leaving me in a more peaceful place..while im with the person..i am at peace..but once that safety is gone..i crash and crash hard..and suddenly the lonely is worse..the aloneness is worse..everything feels bigger and overwhelming and tiring...and i just want...i just want more..these are the times that i notice just how badly it is that i want a parent..i want to be loved..taken care of ..kept safe..and i dont have it...i dont get it...not enough..not often enough at all... :(
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