on friday..before i ever talked to mommy..i figured out that there was going to be an issue with the money....i waited as long as i could but in the end i had to tell her...it became my fault...i messed up..i screwed up..and so for that i guess i have to pay..which means that the money she was going to loan me..i didnt get..i got less and was told that i would have to make up the rest ...i have money for a tank of gas...nothing more..i look at my fridge and i could cry right now...actually i could just freaking cry period at how completely messed up things are right now..ive tried and tried since i lost my job at the beginning of sept...tried to keep fighting..tried to figure things out..tried to think of everything possible i could do..and still ...im messing up...im tired of fighting this..im tired of depending on my mom for everything right now..and yes my pride still gets in the way....i refuse to ask for help until its to late...until im already in some whole that i cant get out of ...i dont want to do that..i wish i could just say i need help and what i need..but fear ... shame..guilt..pride...all of it fills my head and instead of asking for help i sit quietly..going over the numbers in my head ..repeatedly thinking of something to do. anything to do that will help...how can i stretch what food i have..how can i keep the cats fed and taken care of...ive never looked at the calendar so freaking much..wishing for the days to hurry up...wishing for next month to come....
i know that for the next few months i will be scarificing heavily...because there is something that has to be paid out of my check each pay period...before i even get around to paying bills and then there is all of the money i owe mommy and nia and rob..that i have to pay back...and so even working and trying to get my hours up..are going to keep me struggling for much longer...
there is still so much to loook at ...yes im working but getting paid wont happen until nov...moving will have to happen in nov...paying bills and all of that will have to happen in nov...my car stuff..my medicine..my cats stuff...all of it has to be put off ...for more and more time..until i can catch up..until i figure out how to catch up...
add in a few more worries for a friend who is struggling and waiting for a bed at the hospital to open up so she can be admitted...im scared and worried for her...and when i was in the hospital with her the other day..it took all i had not to give in and ask to be admitted..i just wanted to be taken care of..for a little bit..except i cant do that...i can never do that..and i will struggle with that issue alone...im a freaking adult and still i cant seem to figure out the real way to self sooth...god i just want a hug..i want someone to tell me its going to be ok..and that its ok to cry...i just want to be held and allowed to break down for a little bit..just for a little while...
im frustrated and scared..and im trying so hard to keep it together..but this weekend..i seem to keep falling apart...im worrying and crying and hiding and fighting ..but for what ?? what is the point..because i dont know anymore...i really dont ...
taji is sick and there is nothing i can do for her until i get paid..im afraid my cats are going to die before i will be able to afford to take them to the vet...
my medical stuff is all out of wack .. my sugar is running to high..i cant afford the healthy food..and right now im eating more junk food than i should..but im cooking when i can..but im still skipping meals too...i have a new meter to keep track..im checking..i am..but even that is becoming to much to deal with..and i dont want to do it..i dont want to know what is wrong anymore..i dont want anything else to be wrong...
just hiding and avoiding the past couple days..i dont have the energy to fight anyone...no energy to yell or defend myself against mommy..there really isnt any point in that at all...i want to take my meds and juts stay in a safe emptiness where i cant be touched..where i cant be hurt...im just tired...
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