right now i am majorly feeling like a failure...like i have messed up and kept messing up and now things are juts all screwed up...losing my job was the worst thing that could have happened...everything has fallen from there..and yes im working now but the effects of not losing for like a month is far reaching...i owe everyone..my bills are behind..im struggling to just keep my head above water..and im sinking..sinking hard and fast right now...im not making enough to catch up and live where im at..and pay bills and pay car stuff..and my mom told me that im not giving her enough money back from what she loaned me..and i still need to pay for gas and food and all of that...after trying to pay on other stuff...and so today..after ive been seriously worrying and stressing about money and what can be paid and all of that..my mom calls and i tell her what she can take out of my acount and she tells me that she had been expecting more...she asked if that was all i could spare...im sorry i dont have more..im sorry there is one thing that i HAVE to pay to avoid things getting worse dealing with my job and my old job and all of that..so that money has to be taken out of the equation..and im making less than i had been making ..and so yeah im stressed out..worried..scared..waiting to be evicted from my apartment..wondering if i will be spending christmas packing and trying to figure out where ill be staying..if the other apartment isnt ready..and i told her that if i couldnt afford to come home for christmas then i cant do it..i wont be guilted into it..i wont ask to borrow money...if i cant come then oh well...but it was after talking to her that i guess it all hit me..and i started crying..while sitting in the car..waiting for a client..it took a while to get myself under control..well about 40 mins to get myself under control..and i was able to finish work and all of that..and just came home...and still have been crying off and on all afternoon...just trying to figure things out..trying to figure out what im going to do..trying to not think about the future that im completely unsure about right now..im tired..im depressed..im scared...and no i dont have the slightest idea of what to do...crap i may end up in a hotel for a little while..who knows..i just dont know...and i want to be able to spend time with sarah..and have privacy..and just not be so scared about everything (and insert more tears) ... ive been talking to her since i got home..and trying hard to be honest and tell her that i am scared and everything...it is hard admitting ...it is hard to juts ccry and cry and not fight the tears...no cutting..no dying...just crying and trying to be ok with the fact that i am upset and overwhelmed to the point of crying ..for lack of anything else to do..anything safe..i want to sleep but cant seem to fall asleep..so ive just been online and listening to the tv...
i just dont know where things are going right now..and im scared and feeling hopeless and like a failure...thats all
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