to say things are changing would be putting things very very nicely...i feel as if everything has been uprooted and its all looking for new space..a new setting..something that will feel comfortable again...my head, my body, my thoughts, my heart, my soul...all looking for something and afraid that accepting it will cause everything to fall apart...trusting myself..is still a very fragile thing..i trust sarah..who is my girlfriend..so ill prolly write a lot about her and things..just a warning lol.
maybe i should start a little more at the beginning...sarah messaged me first..on good ole okcupid...a site i joined on a dare..and didnt really think much of it...i joined and kinda of left it at that..but sarah messaged me in aug..and i guess i had been on the site for a couple months or so..but we started emailing ..and i found she was easy to talk to..which for me is a majorly big deal..silence has been my best friend for so long that well being able to talk so freely with someone was overwhelming. i wanted to talk to her..and tell her things..
and then we actually met...and i found out that i liked her company, i liked her mean cat even, i think i just liked her in general...like we could be friends type like...fast forward a couple months..and things changed a bit..i was spending more time with her and missing her when she wasnt around..i was there for her when she was struggling with things..and she was there for me...and somehow gradually..it became more than just a friend like...but i didnt understand what i was feeling...i was afraid ... very afraid..i didnt know what to do or think..or how to even really express to anyone how i was feeling..and again it was sarah who listened to me ramble on and on about the past and how things were..and different things that happened and being afraid and not understanding..and not once did she tell me to stop or to grow up or anything like that..she talked me through it..told me to talk to my therapist (yeah if you read any part of my blog its kinda easy to figure out that i am in therapy)....but from the beginning i had let her know that i was dealing with past issues..in therapy..on meds..the whole shebang...i felt guilty not telling because i know i can get attached and attach strongly and quickly..and tend to become a burden for ppl because my boundaries are so underdeveloped...and well i wanted her to know what she was getting into in a way...and still we hung out..i had told her that i was comfortable just with being friends at the time..that anything more scared me..and she was able to comfort me and calm my fears..
right before thanksgiving..we had a couple of indepth chats...about different things..and the end results of those was that i was in a relationship..i have a girlfriend..me..the person who was positive that i would be alone for forever..and i have someone who i miss on a daily basis..who i worry about if i dont hear from her during the day..who i talk to about everything..good and bad...and i think it was when i realized that i missed her when i wasnt aroudn her that let me know somewhere in my head that something was different...this was not the same as me hanging out with yvonne and talking...no it was completely different..and took me to a place where i had no idea what i was doing or feeling or what i wanted...i was afraid..i am afraid..
i talked to one of my docs a little bit about and she asked me if it made me happy for someone to tell me that i was beautiful...and as much as i wanted to deny it ...i couldnt...it did make me happy..it made me feel wanted, needed..important...i still am very confused though..and still plan to talk about the whole relationship issues/fear that i seem to be having in therapy..but for now sarah gets to listen to all of my random questions..no matter how embarrassing ..she listens..
so skip ahead about a week and thanksgiving hit..and i went downhill pretty quickly emotionally...i didnt keep the fact that i was struggling from her..and she told me more than once that she would be there..and that things would be ok...we went to my home for thanksgiving..a place that still fills me with fear and terror...but i went and sarah went with me...and its just interesting how things turn out...how suddenly i am ok with being near her and allowing her in my space without fear...that i can help her with what she needs and she helps me..we talked a lot while at home..and i was able to tell her a lot of what i was afraid of..ask her for comfort..well soemtimes ask...still having to work on that one...and i think we got closer..both physically and emotionally..some things happened and had to be talked through...but it was all ok..i was able to ask her to kiss me..it may have taken a lot of time and effort on my part to juts get the words out ...but in the end i did..and i have asked a lot for that...
we spent wed - sat at my moms house..and came back home yesterday..and the lonliness set in quickly...yes we talk multiple times a day..but its not the same..i miss her presence..i miss her holding my hand .. i miss her kissing me and comfoting me when im scared..and being at my own apartment just magnifys the lonliness...i know right now it is not viable to be with her all day every day ..but that is what i want..i want to be with her..and be able to tell her i love her and want her and need her in my life.. even today ..less than 24 hours since i saw her and the fears came back..and i talked to her about them and was able to calm down...
im still struggling to understand the changes in my body...how my thoughts are suddenly full of embarrassing things...that i want so much and am afraid to ask for it..that i dont want to have to keep myself under control..but im afraid of losing control or giving it up...and then i end up confused and sad because i cant figure out the words...i keep thinking about being able to see her on tuesday..and what i want is by far not the innocent, harmless thoughts of someone who has never been in a relationship...im aware of what is involved in a relationship...and even though it embarrasses me to no end ..what i think about makes my mind wander into so many different things...im afraid though that my fear will keep getting the best of me...that i will be afraid and shy...and not ask for what i want..whatever that may be...
you know out of everything that has happened in the past few months with sarah and the relationship growning and changing and becoming more...it is simply the fact that i willingly showed her my arm..at some point im sure i will show her the rest ..but my upper arms are destroyed from cutting..the scars will not fade...they are as faded as they are getting...but i showed her ...and she kissed them..no yelling, no fear, no disgust, nothing like that at all..she held my hand and kissed my scars..and something inside of me settled down just a little bit...this is different..this is personal..this is not me talking to my therapist or my med doctor...i didnt have to explain..i didnt have to defend them...they just are ..the scars..its like everything about me that i have learned to hate and destroy and hurt..she accepts ...she accepts me as i am..she has told me so more than once..and i am having to learn to stay in the moment..to not let the past or the future have so much control anymore...the one thing that i have wanted for so so long..and denied that i wanted it for just as long..is right in front of me..and she is waiting for me to come to whatever terms it is that i need to come too..and i dont want to mess that up...i dont want to lose it...i hate how much the past has affected and is still affecting me..i hate how controlling the fear can be..how overwhelming..how much i have to fight to actually voice what i am thinking or feeling..but i am trying...a year ago i would never had accepted anything more than friendship..and now i am in a relationship and am able to allow someone else into my physical space...i know it takes time and all of that to get past the old stuff...i dont want the old stuff to mess up what i am able to have now..it all gets a bit mixed up at times ..in my head...but i think sarah and love are slowly beginning to win more of the disagreements...yeah im still afraid...this is all new to me..and even though i feel completely stupid for not knowing any of this..how to deal with any of this..or how to even put a name to what i am feeling...its happening all the same..
i have to keep reminding myself..that im not going to be hurt..that its ok...i have to remind myself when the fear becomes overwhelming..or the loneliness comes.. but im not alone anymore...not completely..because where i end..sarah begins..and i think that is th.e way it is supposed to be
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