thats what it is right now..juts flat out am overwhelmed to the point of driving my self crazy..im scared and anxious and worried and did i mention scared and anxious?
as much as i want to back track and start somewhere at the beginning..i think it will be easier to juts start from today and go backwards from here..
today i go to have the second appt at the apartment place where we may be moving..i dont want to go because well i hate moving..i hate packing..im no good at it..im overwhelemed with having to do it alone and figure out how to get it moved and all of that...but im getting the apartment with a friend and so i cant cancel the appt for today...we have worked so freaking hard to get to this place and now i dont want to do it because im scared..because i know how quickly and easily i get overwhelmed when i have to pack and move...but i have to go..i keep telling myself that i have to go
when inside it feels like everything is just floating around..nothing is grounded..nothing at all...ive spent most of the morning juts watching the clock...watching the time go by..knowing i need to get up..and still just laying here afraid to move...i tried juts a little bit to reach out for support but i dont know how to ask for it ..i dont know how to say that im floating around in my head ..and need something to hang on to before i juts get blown away completely...where is the logic in any of that...trying to calm down and i get..im worried about everything possible..logically and illlogically im worried...im just freaking out and trying to stay calm and because of this .silence is winning out..and the need to hide and just think and process become overwhelming..
adding on to that is the fast that my mom has been helping me financially for the past month or so...a lot..and i try not to ask ..i really do..but in the end i had to..and so yes i was able to borrow money..with the understanding that i would be paying it back...the rules on that have changed thoguh..my mom had orginally said dec..but now she says nov..and if im moving in nov ..how in the world am i supposed to be able to pay her and my sister back ? but thats not important to anyone else but me i guess...being behind on everything even with help..has me freaked out..and that is juts on going stress since like sept ... having a debt that i HAVE to pay back that has nothing at all to do with my family has me stressed because that could cause me a lot of additional trouble if i dont pay it back...and so money and finances has me almost in tears on a daily basis right now..im working yes..and have worked all month but because of the job..my checks are behind..so i wont be getting paid until nov..and i know my first check is going to be really low.. but stuff has to be paid..and so its like ok..ive lasted this long on almost nothing..whats a few more weeks...and moving expenses and stuff we need and meds and all of it ..and its all hanging over my head and i dont know what to do to make it stop or make it better and im worried and scared and really wanting to cry...ive worked all month for checks that are already being divided and used for other things...i thought i would have a little more time..but i guess not...
im all out of positive right now that things will work out..i really am...i cant think anymore ..im tired of thinking and worrying and feeling so stressed out...having a lot of trouble with getting grounded today..and i know that going and looking at the apartment and what not is causing a lot of fear and worries..my mom calling and questioning me constantly has me on edge...the faact that i still have to borrow monney from her and what i owe her keeps increasing makes me want to just sit in a corner somewhere an cry..
i feel stuck..things are loud and quiet and messed all up inside..the fear is getting to us..and all i want to do is hide away and not deal with any of it...my head hurts..i spend all day trying to figure out what to do about all of this..where to somehow find extra money or something..i have to figure it out..i juts have to ..and not being able to makes me feel so so so much worse..like i keep failing at all of it..and im trying my hardest and still things are just messed up..and things are getting better..little by little..but all i can seem to see is the stress of everything that is not working out..yet..or isnt able to be fixed yet...
im tired. :(
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