it is not often that i call myself a suvivor...it is a word that i avoid..i dont really know why though..i dont feel like i have survivied...i feel like i have managed to get by, to stay alive, to some how slip through and keep slipping through...i dont know ...

i saw a meme today and pretty much it asked what you would say to your yougner self..using two words..and im getting so so angry that i cant think of what i would say..what i would want to hear...so much fear and hurt associated with growing up and being at home and living at home..but i cant think of a single thing to say that feels right..

and cutting it down to two words is ugh frustrating me even more..

its not that i dont have anything to say..its that i dont know how to make it short and to the point..i want to explain..i want to  understand..

what would i say to the girl i was ..the girl i dont know..the girl i dont remember?

what was it that i wanted so badly back then?  protection? love? help?  what was it...

actually two words be darned ... i would tell myself... "you are special"  & "you matter"

that is what i would want myself to know back then..that no im not invisible, im not bad or stupid or selfish or crazy...i would want to be able to believe that i am important and special and loved..and that i matter..that someone, somewhere needs me to be alive..to be here...