this week has me feeling pretty down...ok majorly down and depressed and worried and scared and all sorts of things..im tired and worn out..and every day it feels like such a chore walking into my house when i come home...
this really has been a week from hell..arguments with mommy about money...arguments about going home for christmas, going home for christmas and being separated from sarah...i dont like sleeping alone anymore...i want to be near her but my mom has other plans and is determined to have sarah in the other mom and both of us cant sleep in there cas the bed is not big enough...im planning on making this trip as short as possible..it was lovely being told that my christmas gift will be gas money to go home with...i feel so loved and important :( im glad i at least was able to get sarahs gift..i cant really afford gifts for anyone ... well i plan on getting noa something..but i feel stupid going home with nothing..knowing that i cant afford to do anything for anyone right now...and im being forced into once again...
so many worries going on right now..and i dont know what to do about any of them..will i even have a freaking place to live come next week??? im tired of all of this..the worry..the stress..the fears...and trying to manage and failing miserably...im tired of crying..and fighting and struggling ...i really am...this week..im juts all out of positive ... im not happy..im to nervous and scared to be happy...and its beginning to present in my body...im tired and sore and worn out..im trying so hard and still things are all messed up and and hard...
brother was in an accident tuesday night...a bad one...one of the passengers in the other car died...im scared for him...im worried for him..and i am practically hundreds of miles away and cant do a damn thing to help at all ..no the accident wasnt his fault...but at the same time .how do you deal with knowing someone has died? a 19yr old...it is sad...very depressing ..and makes me feel guilty that i am glad my brother is still alive...what does that say about me..how horrible i am ... how useless i am ..
god i wish i had someone to cover for me with work today because im afraid that i cant handle it..right now im sitting and writing and crying as if the world is ending ..and maybe for me it is...when is it ok to throw in the towel and say im done?? im tired..i dont want to do this anymore..? and it took till now to realize that the suicidal feelings/thoughts have woken up...geez im really stupid for missing this...really very stupid on my part..
No comments:
Post a Comment