how do you present?

for me physically looking put together means a lot...it hides a lot..and i dont stand out..clean clothes..neat..nice ... nothing that stands out...nothing that can seperate me from everyone else...

but talking with someone tonight...

and i realizze that it is another method of hiding...of working to not be noticed...

looking at me ..no you cant see the scars or the sadness...you cant hear the negative thinking, or the wanting and believing that it is ok to hurt myself or kill myself..you cant hear the hate..or feel how badly the urges can become..

no..i am just another girl, a woman, a sister, a friend..im no one special..and there is nothing remarkable about me at all...

but i have mental illnesses, i work, i pay bills, i live, i hide, i avoid, i laugh, i smile,  i engage, there are so many different aspects to me...but they are all hidden inside of me..behind the mask i wear that can not be taken off...to be vulnerable is to get hurt..to love means to be hurt..

i dont want to be hurt anymore..im tired of being hurt..but i dont know who i am either...i dont know how not to hide behind the mask..how not to pretend...how to be okay when i am falling apart at the seams..its all pretend..a game..a trick..i hide behind the mask..i hide in the silence..and i hide in the avoidance of eye contact...i dont know how else to protecct myself and so i hide..and pretend...and like my blog says..

i pass for normal...every single day..im passing for normal..while im breaking down..hurt, sad, confused, angry, happy, sad, tearful, disappointed...

there are so many parts of me...but so few know this...so few know how to see...maybe there is no real me left..im just a made up part of myself...the broken pieces that were put back together the wrong way..there are missing pieces, broken pieces, crushed pieces..no..i no longer fit together at all..but together is how i pretend...together is how i get by...

i guess i learned that growing up...if you dont as if anything is wrong...then nothing is wrong..and you are passed over again and again and again..until you begin to believe that nothing is wrong too..and you carry the blame for everything..but as long as no one can see...as long as no one knows what questions to ask in order to break through the walls..there is only what you present...and what you present says a lot about you...because in the end...how you present is all anyone will remember...