It is really interesting the things that get my attention or upset me. I self harmed for more than 10 years. I did it all, I cut, I burned, I took pills, I binged, I purged, I starved, I hated everything that I was..I hated everything that I could about myself and refused to allow anyone to tell me any different...
Today I have been 'clean' of self harm in the form of cutting, etc for just about 7 months. I no longer make the choice to hurt myself. I am in therapy, Im on meds, I have to be careful of triggers, and becoming overwhelmed but again I make the choice each time for whether or not I want to hurt myself.
When did my thinking change? When did it suddenly become more okay to just deal with myself, without labeling, without judging? When did it become okay for me to talk about self harm without wanting it, without wanting that release? Somewhere along the line, I started to think more freely in the past 2 years actually. Suddenly it was more important to stop, than it was to continue.
Im not saying its all peaches and cream right now. Im not living on cloud nine. I am still sad some days, still struggle with the thoughts, and the questions. The change is that, I no longer hide behind the self harm. It was a behavior, it does not define who i am, or who i will be.
I am actually sitting trying and trying hard to NOT apologize for something I posted to someone on facebook. Am I wrong? Self harm is a choice you make, it is a decision, impulsive or not, there are multiple moments for which you can stop preparing to cut..put away the tools. Just walk away from it all and take a break. No I dont think I am wrong because this comes from experience. This is not me preaching or trying to be controlling and make someone stop. No, I understand the urges, the want, the release, and the escape it provides. My life is just no longer ruled by those wants. I can get past them, some days faster than others but that is my choice to make.
So i will not apoligize for what i consider to be true. I will not apologize for my experiences.
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