what do i want..

i want to be with someone who tells me im beautiful
someone that im not scared to be around
someone i feel safe with
someone who wont hurt me
someone who cares about me
loves me
knows me
and still wants to be around me

You can't go through life thinking everyone you meet will one day let you down.

i dont know what i have to offer anyone ... i dont feel that i deserve to be loved..have love..shoot most of the time i struggle with just being friends with a person..forget about love for a sec..im afraid though...that is so vulnerable ... loving someone else...and i want to question it..i want to understand it..it makes me cry because i dont understand..because i am 30 years old and i still dont understand .. why would anyone like me? what have i done to show them i am worth being liked? loved? tolerated? 

but i do want to be loved. i want to be happy..i just want..

maybe i have it wrong though...i keep thinking that i dont deserve love..that i cant have it..that i need to run from it...but i have already been told that she wants more..that she has feelings for me..and no amount of doubt and confusion on my end is changing her mind...maybe the question should be am i willing to accept love...am i willing to put myself out there for someone else and to have whatever it is that we have...

she said she will wait for me...to feel comfortable..that she wont push..but my panic and fear are overriding everything right now...and im afraid to identify what has me so scared...