suicide...a subject i know intimately...and also a subject that is so taboo I am ashamed to ever admit that i have even considered the thought of killing myself. I have thought about it, planned it, prepared for it. I thought I wanted a way out of my life, I wanted a way to stop the pain. There were times I had given up, I was hopeless, and felt that the world would be a better place without me. I hurt all the time, physically, mentally, emotionally and I just could not understand why no one saw me the way I saw myself. I told myself I was worthless, nothing, a waste of space. I did everything I could to hurt myself, to quiet the thoughts, because I had believed that if I managed to hurt myself then I was finding the balance. I was making it okay and still managing to refrain from acting on the thoughts of killing myself.
I had a plan, I have had multiple plans, overdose, cutting, car accident. I refused to act on them only because I had to be positive it would work. I did not want to wake up in the hospital from a failed attempt. I had a time frame, at first I didnt plan to make it out of high school, and when I did I was actually upset with myself. I didnt plan to finish college, but I did that too. Then I focused on which birthday I wanted to end it by. Would I make it to 24, 25, 30, 35? No amount of therapy, medication, talking to anyone was going to change my mind. I had a plan, and I knew that with enough time I would be able to make it work. i would die and that would be the end. I wanted the pain, the fear, and the hurting to stop and I did not know of any other way to allow that to happen.
I will be turning 30 in 2 weeks. I am still alive. I am in therapy, I take my medication, I actually am talking to my therapist and learning to ask for help and comfort when I am struggling. It is not easy at all, it has not been easy to deal with the thoughts for so long that I do not remember when they started. They happen less now, the thoughts come and go, but I am no longer sitting on the edge of my life and wondering what it will take for me to go through with it. Sometimes I felt like a failure because all I wanted to do was die, and I couldn't do it. It has taken a lot of therapy to understand that wanting to die, and wanting the pain to stop are two very different things. I am learning that feeling bad, depressed, hopeless, none of it lasts forever. They come and go with how my life is going and that thinking before acting impulsivly has saved my life more times than I can probably count.
I am not sure what message it is that I want to get across with writing this. I am afraid that by sharing, I will be judged and labeled very quickly. I am supposed to be normal and happy, not depressed and suicidal. I work, I live my life, I am finding things that make me happy, and help control the thoughts. Wanting to end my life is no longer the overwhelming thought anymore. I had to learn my triggers and do my best to avoid or work through them. I have not followed through on my plans to die, and as my birthday approaches, I realize that maybe being alive is much more meaningful. By keeping myself alive, I can help others and let them know they are not alone.
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