fear of being different

you know..i wrote that sentence and realize that it is so pointless and so significant all at the same time...its pointless because i am different..because i have been judged by many, including myself..i have been labled and hurt and scorned and forced into things..i have been picked on and bullied to the point of wanting to die..wanting to run away and hide... 

tonight i am talking with a friend and the conversation has turned serious and my thoughts are hitting the usual blocks that i have built up..and the fear comes in...im scared but of what ? like terrified that someone likes me more than a friend..and i cant wrap my head around it...i dont understand it...growing up i didnt have much in the way of feeling like i was liked unless i had something someone else wanted..but she likes me and ive done nothing to make her think im worth anything..i havent done anything that ..i havent done anything to make her think i am anyone special..but she said she liked me..and i knew it was more than juts a hey im your my friend..

but i truly can not wrap my head around it..we talked about it a little bit tonight..and she said that she would wait for me..wait for me to be comfortable with the idea of 'more' ..

i know what i want but i am afraid to make mysself that vulnerable ...i dont want to put myself on the line like that...trusting someone with my feelings completely...trusting that i will not be hurt..that i will be loved and happy...but i am afraid to believe that i can have that..afraid that i dont deserve it..that it will be taken from me...