it has been a while since i have written..not for lack of trying..but just feeling so overwhelmed and upset that writing and being able to get anything out was so much harder...but today i guess i am feeling more like writing...im feeling calmer ..more settled today...i have focus again..i have things beginning to come together...nothing is set in stone yet but things are at least moving forward and not backwards again...but i guess i should start at the beginning.
which i guess was like 3 weeks ago...the week i left to see my sister..things kinda bagan to fall apart..and it started with a work issue..things at my sisters was fine really..i enjoyed being there and being able to see Noa and play with her..and besides being a little sick and annoying ..it was a good visit..i hope i am able to go back and see them again for a couple days..but i will see how that goes..
but while i was away a work issue came up..well it came to the notice of my supervisors..and then pretty much all hell broke lose...and looking back i can see the boundary issues quite clearly...i messed up..and in telling the truth about the situation..i lost my job..which turned into a huge huge downward spiral for me..it was like one thing after another...but in all honesty as much as it hurts that i dont have a job..i didnt have a job..i began looking immediately for another one...and well i have found another job...hopefully will be starting in the next week or so..if not..then i will just have to deal with it like i am ..like i have been... i am so grateful for the people who have stuck by me and listened to me crying and feeling hopeless and defeated and stupid for what happened...my whole life changed in an instant..and now i am being careful..im learning from what happened..and trying to move past it...yes i was in the wrong and i can, will and have accepted that..and so i will do what i can to rectify the situation as i move on from it.
I really have been plagued with worry the past few weeks..juts about everything..jobs, money, bills, medicine, suicide, cutting, purged just once..in the past three or so weeks...and ive been picking at my fingers again...and sometimes i juts dont want to get out of bed..i dont want to deal with the world or anyone in it..im so tired..tired of trying and fighting and being pushed back and making mistakes and struggling...maybe that it is..im juts tired of struggling to deal with it all..and i want to give up...but i cant give up..and so i am using all my dang coping skills and trying hard to remember that the not so good feelings will pass..and they do pass..but it takes a while..and i spend a lot of time alone and crying or thinking about dying or how to destroy myself...im relearning just how creative i can be..but thinking about it and acting on it is not the same thing. i dont want to die..i dont. i have come to far. and that is a very very hard thing to admit..and writing this makes me want to cry to because sometimes not wanting to die gets mixed up in my head and everything hurts and i have such a bleak outlook that dying or hurting myself seems more and more like a good idea...but ive made it 9 months without cutting...i am working so so hard to not go backwards on that one...the purging ill deal with..because it comes and goes..but yeah..no where near where i was a year ago..and that was when things were freaking working out i guess. interesting how things change ..
in the midst of all of this..i met a friend..and i say friend because that is what it is now..she is my friend..someone i have come to trust and rely on and she makes me laugh. and i just like hanging out with her...she is different from anyone else i have ever met. she actually started the conversation between the two of us...and it has grown very quickly...we see each other 2 or so times a week and just hang out..or go out ..watch movies .. and eat sugar and play with either my cats or her cat. her being in a wheelchair does not change anything at all .. and i think i knew that from the beginning..but i know that being out with her makes me feel protective in a way..like i dont want her to get hurt because ppl can be so senseless and stupid at times...but she is strong too..she does a lot for herself and she has a super awesome gigantic unicorn in her apartment lol..yeah it is the little things in life..she was/is supportive when i was struggling and afraid and scared..oh and we do talk online or text like everyday..i dont think there has been a day that i havent talked to her..since being in town and everything..but for now we are both in agreement that the friend stage is good .. it is not scary to me..im not afraid when i am with her..
which brings me to the next set up plans that have come up. with me not having a job my income is like at zero right now. and so i know in all honesty that i will most likely be evicted from my apartment at the end of oct...and yes i did spend a couple days completely flipping out about that..and just wanting to give up...it took me a little while to figure out that yes i might be evicted..but i have a month give or take before that happens..and i dont have to sit around and do nothing...i have talked to my sister..and i even talked to mommy today about it..and she didnt freaking yell at me! but listened..when i told her my plan...i talked to my friend about it to and we are going to look for a place together..the two of us and 3 cats ..yep that will be interesting to say the least..but maybe i am a little tired of living alone..and having someone i am comfortable living with would make it easier..and of course allow for saving money and all of that good stuff..so we are both looking for places now..calling around..because of course it has to be affordable and handicap accessible...so we will see how it goes..but it will work out...thats what she tells me and that is what i tell her. we are in this together we have decided. and so it is going a day at a time.
mommy told me today that she would help me with getting my car stuff taken care of..which means a trip home..my birthday was yesterday and well my license is now expired and so i have to get it renewed and all of that good stuff...the bargain..because yes this is still my mom.is that i stay for a couple days or something..not like i have plans or anything...but i refuse to tell her that i have lost my job...its not her business and i am sticking to that..i let her know that this upcoming month is going to be bad money wise.. and i need to find a way to get money and well get money kinda fast...ive exhausted every loan option i have..i dont know what to do expect sell some stuff..and well gotta let go of the pride piece..i need to stop my account from being overdrawn and that means well doing everything i can to get some cash ... legal stuff of course...and because i dont want to owe anyone else money that i cant pay back...but i still have bills you know..so gotta do what i need to do..which i keep telling myself .
i am back to weekly therapy..im being good and taking my meds..im talking and asking for support..
even with everything going on..i was able to have an awesome birthday. and I will forever be grateful to Terry, Travis, Sarah, Adri and Alice for giving me so so much that allowed me to have fun and have a good birthday. My sister and her husband gave me an early birthday party..and yesterday i did my one selfish activity that the T Alice told me to do..i celebrated my birthday by myself and that was ok..i did what i wanted to do. and i had a peaceful weekend.
i turned 30 yesterday...an age i never ever thought i would see..but i have made it..i am alive..i an beginning to live..i still need that time to myself to kinda just think and be away from people..but i am branching out..i am going out and doing stuff...
so this is where i will be starting at this week...getting the rest of the needed info for my new job turned in..planning on when to start work and when i will be eligible to start work..looking into apartments..taking care of myself..and well continuing to take it a day at a time...i cant go any farther than that right now...and i have to be okay with that...
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