Tuesday, November 26, 2013

still afraid ....



as i sit here..7 in the morning...doing nothing at all but thinking..i am still filled with fear..i feel stuck..and at a complete standstill because i dont know what to do..im afraid of going home..even now...im 30 years old and going home...the thought of going home still reduces me to an almost childlike mind frame...im afraid and anxious and scared..and i feel like crying because im feeling all these things and i dont want to feel them..i have to much to do..but the fear stops me ..and i end up thinking ... overthinking..the tension is back ..not even the medicine helps this one..and i know that..and i know ill need to be careful with the stupid medicine..im not looking for an escape ..i have to remember that..i have to remember to stay present..to not get sucked into playing mind games with her...but i cant relax...over and over i think about anything that might get me in trouble..anything that might cause an argument..did i pack the right things..how do i look..how am i acting...do i sound happy enough..i juts want to lay down and not have to think about it...not have to deal with it..but still the tears come ...the fear..the wanting so much for things to work out..and going home and coming back more broken than when i left...im trying to remind myself that i will have sarah there..and noa..and nia..but still i feel so unprepared..im not ready..i need more time ..crap..maybe i shouldnt have written this morning...at least im allowing the tears this time..i wont cut..even though i want to..i wont hurt myself ..but the skipping meds and not eating is doing the same thing..its just the scars arent visible..i want to be happy..i really do..i want to be thankful and grateful and all of that..and instead i sit here crying because im afraid ..it makes me sad that i still have so many ways to hurt myself without doing it directly...i get scared and the old thoughts come back.and i try to not listen to them..but its over and over..all i hear in my head is how worthless i am..how stupid..that im not good enough..i go through all the times i remember being at home..how many arguments..how many times i managed to get in trouble ..how many times did i get hit or yelled at or ignored..why do i even want to go home..im driving myself crazy with this...i dont need any help being mean to myself..i think ive got that one covered...i am my own worst enemy..i wish i could say that i wasnt feeling suicidal...i wish i didnt want to hurt myself juts to get out of my head for a little bit..and with glaring reality i realize that i dont see alice this week..i talked to kathy yesterday and that helped a little bit ..but yesterday is not today..and yesterday i was crying like i had lost my mind..i dont know what i want or need...everything is just mixed up right now...and i have less than 24 hours to pull it together and get myself under control...the negative thoughts take over and i dont remember why it is that ive worked so hard to not hurt myself..to not cut.. or burn because that is more easily hidden...its been a long time since ive considered the burning...yeah..im not really feeling very capable of anything today..

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