saturday

since my other post got erased on me i havent felt much like writing much.. hmm today has been ok i guess..went to see the guardian with catrina and it was such a good movie!! the critics didnt know what they were talking about when they said it wasnt good..i would really like to see it again if i could. but yep a great movie and lots of action and im so joining the coast guards..and that would last for all of 5 mins before i started crying after the big coast guard guys yelled at me..or else i would just drown in the pool of like 8ft of water and yea fun to think about but prolly not gonna happen..kinda the same way ill never be in the mafia or be a vampire or become a firefighter or a wizard..and ok im thinking i need to lower the expectations of what i want to be...but its more fun coming up with random things to be and not just the normal everyday stuff..i got a new care bear from catrina and some other stuff too..its a little happy birthday care bear and its so cute :) so yes it was a good thing to juts get out of the house for a little while..wow has it really been like a month since ive done anything on a weekend? ive been more isolated than i thought or cared to notice i guess..just getting out of the house for a few hours makes a big difference and it gives me something to look forward too and then i dont spend as much time focusing on how screwed things are..

im not feeling good today though..im thinking all the random eating of whatever i happen to want is making me sick as heck..and i hate feeling like im going to throw up any minute when its not on purpose..im hoping ill feel a bit better tomorrow since im feeling gross right this minute..hmm but that will be changing soon to i guess..dont really know how yet though..all day ive been considering giving dusti a bath and i dont really want to except that its free entertainment..i keep thinking of how much dusti doesnt like it and that shoould be reason enough for me to not make her suffer just because i have nothing else to do..besides im working on getting dusti used to being around people and i would rather shes not mad at me for most of a day..then i wouldnt have anyone to keep my company and give me funny looks when im doing something i shouldnt do...so no bath for dusti for now

i now know that sratching my arm with a staple has very nice effects...i did it yesterday when i had to much free time at work and i was really not happy about things..the only drawback being i didnt realize how much it would swell in such a small amount of time..and i wasnt wearing long sleeves or anything and i spent the rest of the day hoping no one noticed my arm..because they were very obvious and i spent a lot of time at the nurses station yesterday..but i made it home without it being noticed and i woke up this morning and they were all gone...you cant notice anything but i can see where they were because there are little scabs going up my arm..but you would have to really look..i know i should be feeling something other than content when i talk about them but its like why should i care since i cant make huge scars with it..and they could really pass for cat scratches..someone would most likely wonder why in the heck i had a cat if she scratched me so much...but besides..i keep getting the feeling that im being used and i just dont want to see that as being true..i bought mommy a plane ticket yesterday..a plane ticket that cost almost 350 bucks..and she doesnt care at all..she said that i promised it to her and that it wouldnt be fair to ask nia or henry or even wayne to give me some of the money back..so i said ok i wont ask them to help..where in the heck does she think im supposed to be getting all of this extra money from when i dont have a job?? more mommy goes into things i wasnt expecting to buy than things i do buy..i ended up paying over 500 to get a car i still dont have...i wasnt supposed to pay for the car mommy told me a million times that she would handle it and that it was for me because i needed it for school..yea well ive been in school for almost a month and a half and still no car for me..i dont believe her anymore ..she says its not her fault and thats fine becaue i know its not but its fair for her to expect yvonne to keep driving me home to get a car that doesnt work..and i dont want her to do it again anyway..why keep wasting that much money on gas..mommy hasnt offered to give her gas money for taking me to work but she doesnt say anything and i dont mention that i give her gas money..no point in it really and its not like she would tell me to stop giving it to her anyway..i put a full tank of gas in my car the night i went to get it and im guessing it wont be full anymore buy the time i get it..if i dont have it by the 9th ill have to think of another way of getting to therapy..im glad its the 9th because then i have more time to figure it out if i have to..every weekend i wait and wait and wait because mommy says she will be bringing it to me..she said the mechanic would bring it to me..she said wayne or uncle clyde or tiffany would bring it to me..yet im still waiting and i dont have it..im getting a little sick of having to keep depending on other people to take me places ...not that i have this huge list of things i want to do but id rather i didnt have to ask or wait for someone else to get me or something..i waited two hours last week..over two hours one day for yvonne to come and pick me up..i know it wasnt her fault but its not fair to me either to be stuck at the hospital with no way of getting home..so anyway..mommy got her ticket out of me and i cant complain about it..depending on how you look at it i could be seen as the incredibly helpful daughter who gave her mom a trip to michigan for christmas..but it doesnt feel like that..i feel really stupid about the whole thing..and now that its been bought i see no reason to think about it anymore..but when i think about everything that i have to pay and the phone bill that henry keeps messing up i dont like spending so much money on a ticket that im not even using! i wanted to go to a conference and i could of paid for it but i cant now..i cant really pay for anything anymore..and i keep trying to add up how much extra money i need and things ive already been planning to do that i cant miss..and its just not looking great..of course when i think of what to cut out money wise food is always first on the list..and yet i love going to the grocery store...and i hate to think its so easy to give it up when i have too..i think of how much ill be spending on dusti and that will take up a good chunk of money that i just have to add in..its just hard for me to grasp that i wont be able to walk into the grocery store and buy whatever it is i want to..i guess tthat prolly has its good points to since im not supposed to really be eating so much junk food..mommy really wont be home for christmas with us...it will prolly just be me and nia and henry..and maybe wayne..sissy and her boys will come by..but thats prolly it..that means ill be cooking dinner again..ill prolly be cooking for thanksgiving too...im not looking forward to the holidays anymore..just more stress..the more i write the sadder i get but i guess if im writing im not cutting...ive gotten a horrible twitch in my eye..its so annoying and i did joke about it a lot with yvonne before but i never thought i would get one..i didnt really think it was even something that could happen..but my eyelid seriously jumps when i get nervous or scared or something..and when it happens it juts feels like my eye wants to close and i wont let it happen..when i mentioned it to yvonne she said it just meant my eye was tired and im just like no..cant be that cas it doesnt happen when im tired..

ive been saying things arent fair a lot lately..i dont know who im trying to blame but its not working whoever it is..i really want to blame someone for how rotten ive been feeling and theres no one there..just me as usual and i know a lot of it i should be responsible for and act my age about but i dont want to..blaming myself about somethings just doesnt have the same effect anymore..it doesnt make me feel better to blame myself if im doubting it was my fault in the first place..so i do the same old stuff but the blame just isnt there..i still say i deserve all of it..but could i deserve it in a less painful way? still im letting it all happen so maybe i should just go back to blaming myself completely and getting it over with

someone told me today from a group..so someone wrote and told me they admired me..and i of course didnt even know she was referring to me at first..but yea it was about me and i told her i had no idea what shes talking about..i cant even decide on what to wear in the morning without pulling half of my clothes out of the closet..im the most unsure person i know so how can someone waste there time admiring me?? i consider it lucky i havent managed to kill myself yet...once again tonight it was made glaringly obvious i dont know what i plann on doing with my life when i graduate. i really dont know and im really starting not to care..ive been asked so much im running out of things to make up ..why cant anyone just be happy with i dont know..and catrina works in career services and shes used to it but maybe if i say i dont know i really dont know..im stupid and im a slacker and i know that already

i think ill just head to bed since i dont have anything else to do